yay my first surgery set!

LindaH · Post by **LindaH** » Wed Nov 30, 2005 11:20 pm

ghastly: thank you very much

and yeah i hope it will be too. just need my sweety to stop living so god damned far away and the swedish government to get a fire under their ass so i get my approval

though my throat is a lot better today hardly sore at all

woohooo

Tha_Pig · Post by **Tha_Pig** » Thu Dec 01, 2005 1:25 am

I have a question. You mentioned something about the vocal cords. Besides the removal of the apple, is the operation also intended to change your voice in any way? Just curious.

Also, my best wishes on your fast recovery!

LindaH · Post by **LindaH** » Thu Dec 01, 2005 7:17 am

Tha_Pig wrote:I have a question. You mentioned something about the vocal cords. Besides the removal of the apple, is the operation also intended to change your voice in any way? Just curious.

Also, my best wishes on your fast recovery!

well me and the surgeon discussed stiching the vocal chords together somewhat. but he was against it because it is a tricky operation where the result is far from garanteed. in a lot of cases there are a lot of problems. so we decided on just cutting into the apple. since i have a pretty ok female voice through training as it is so the stitching of the vocal chords wasnt really needed, if itis done then yes it brings the pitch up a little. but the stiches can come loose and then.. well the result then isnt pretty

Swordsman3003 · Post by **Swordsman3003** » Thu Dec 01, 2005 11:11 am

How did you learn to speak with a feminie voice?

(and BTW I don't consider art characters to have age.)

LindaH · Post by **LindaH** » Thu Dec 01, 2005 11:28 am

swordsman: well just raising the pitch basicly. giggles. well i have a doctor that helps me, it involves a lot of training to get breathing right (to use more air in talking as that makes the vocal chords job easier) etc... basicly what i am doing is the same as when any man raises his voice

Tellner · Post by **Tellner** » Thu Dec 01, 2005 1:01 pm

An acquaintance who did the fully monty MTF changed her voice. It was kind of strange. He used to have a fairly wide vocal range. It's like the training simply chopped 50% off the bottom.

Swordsman3003 · Post by **Swordsman3003** » Thu Dec 01, 2005 4:46 pm

So surgery is too risky for not much benefit then?

LindaH · Post by **LindaH** » Thu Dec 01, 2005 11:30 pm

swordsman3003 wrote:So surgery is too risky for not much benefit then?

basicly yes. there is some international discussion going on about doing surgery to the vocal chords and most of the doctors are leaning towards not doing it.. at least according to my surgeon.

Honor · Post by **Honor** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 12:08 am

That's because, as it stands, we've found lots and lots of ways to screw people up with complications and limitations, and no procedure in common use so far has been shown to have much in the way of positive results.

The voice training you're doing is the best way to go right now.

Swordsman3003 · Post by **Swordsman3003** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 8:35 am

Well, I can sort of understand what it might be like to feel uncomfortable in your own body, I think everyone does during teenage years...

Happypeepeehead · Post by **Happypeepeehead** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 12:48 pm

Well, I suppose, but this is a case where you're very certain that your body is the wrong kind for you in certain important areas.

LindaH · Post by **LindaH** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 2:13 am

swordsman3003 wrote:Well, I can sort of understand what it might be like to feel uncomfortable in your own body, I think everyone does during teenage years...

well uncomfortable is the wrong word. it is an intence self hatred that only grows through the years.

many times people have asked me what it feels like, i have not yet come up with a good reply. how to explain the hatred i feel for myself? when i see or am again confronted with those part that makes me male i really get sad, depressed angry.... like now when i again have to go shave. it feels totally un natural for me, nevermind i have done it thousands of times. its not just the teenage "my body doesnt fit me" that we all got through when it started expanding in all wierd directions. it is "this isnt my body! let me the fuck out!!!"

i basicly did cartwheels (ok almost) right after the surgery this week because i was that happy to have gotten rid of my adams apple wich is something that not many think about granted but people have commented on it. so for me even such a small step towards becomming the real me is such a relief! and i was still high on drugs and actually pondered doing cartwheels (which would have landed me in hospital for a few more days).

Indigo Violent · Post by **Indigo Violent** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 4:30 pm

LindaH wrote:many times people have asked me what it feels like, i have not yet come up with a good reply. how to explain the hatred i feel for myself? when i see or am again confronted with those part that makes me male i really get sad, depressed angry.... like now when i again have to go shave. it feels totally un natural for me, nevermind i have done it thousands of times.

I know I'm just a random stranger on the Internet, but you sound like you really need a hug.
(( LindaH ))

Schol-R-LEA;2 · Post by **Schol-R-LEA;2** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 4:56 pm

LindaH wrote:it is "this isnt my body! let me the fuck out!!!"

Hmmn, I've often felt trapped in my body, but not to that degree, or for those reasons. It's more that I don't feel as if it is a part of me; it's just a vehicle I ride around in - a poorly built and maintained one at that, and one which I have only limited control over. I despise my body, but not specifically my sex, which quite frankly is of minimal concern to me in the broader scheme of things (I'm not sure if that sheds light on my fascination with body transformation, or makes it even more puzzling).

LindaH · Post by **LindaH** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:12 pm

indigo.. ahh thanks a hug is always welcome

schol: well i am curious. have you always felt like this?

Swordsman3003 · Post by **Swordsman3003** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 6:21 pm

Well, I have felt misplaced in my own body for a different reason. I supposedly had the reasoning ability and skill of a second year college student at eleven, so I had my own difficulties.

Schol-R-LEA;2 · Post by **Schol-R-LEA;2** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 8:09 pm

LindaH wrote:schol: well i am curious. have you always felt like this?

Eh? To be honest, I'm not sure... I don't think so, but... well, let's just say that I had enough reason not to feel very much in touch with my body from an early age. When I was about six or seven, I'd had corrective surgery on my legs intended to fix an orthopedic condition - the formal term escapes me, and in fact it occurs to me that I really ought to find out about it from my parents, but the main effect was a pronounced pigeon-toeing - in which (as I understand it) both femurs were cut just above the knee and the whole lower leg re-aligned. Six months flat on you back in a waist cast (it may have been less, but that's what I remember it as) followed by another year of physical therapy would make just about anyone feel alienated from their body, I imagine. Seeing how the entire operation was elective, and not very successful (unless I am paying attention to them, my toes still point out at about a 20 degree angle on the left and perhaps 25-30 degrees on the right, and if I try to keep them straight my knees bend in uncomfortably), I can't say it was worth it, but my parents were very overprotective of me, and had a habit of listening to quacks...

On an unrelated note, as I mentioned in my LJ yesterday, I recently came across this FAQ entry, which clarifies a number of issues to me; the description of the gender-bending fetish seems to fit my experience quite closely, though I've found it isn't strictly sexual in nature. I should further add that my transformation thing isn't related to just gender. Those who have seen my posts elsewhere are probably aware that I've roleplayed a variety of 'forms' in the past, not only a female form of my own self, but a 'Ranma-chan' like form, a (sometimes anthro) panda, and a snowy owl (the latter two - which I call 'Rev. Pastor Reunion' and 'Geddy', respectively - are in part an in-joke of mine, poking fun at some claims made about me by some of my more mystically inclined acquaintances, and the panda in particular is associated with my self-given title 'Reconciliation of Opposites'). In some ways the chara of Andrea in one of my El Goonish Shive fanfics is another avatar of mine (something I didn't realize until some time after I'd written it - and yes, I will take every chance I can to plug that comic, especially with strips like today's - Yay hot Tedd-on-Tedd action!), but her/his gender issues are rather more severe than any I might have. The point being, I'm not so much fixated on gender as on shapeshifting in general, with gender being one (important) aspect of it.

Or at least those are my thoughts on the matter right now; I'm still working things out, which at my age I really ought to have done long since. For now, I think it's safe to say the the only sort of 'trans' I am is transhumanist. For me to say otherwise would be to misunderstand myself, and would IMO denigrate the genuine problems which transfolk like yourself have.

Lulujayne · Post by **Lulujayne** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 5:43 am

Hurrah! I'm glad to hear that the apple has been cut, and has now fallen and rolled far from the already beautiful tree

I can't wait to see just how much more wonderful the tree can beeeeee!

LindaH · Post by **LindaH** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 8:59 am

*still reading and absorbing*

hmm this is something i havent had much contact with to be honest. so i feel sort of out of my depth! but i wanted to just inform you i read it and am still reading LOL

it is a very deep issue and one that i think each one has to come to terms with. as the faq entry sais. it doesnt have to be a sexual fetish as people like to think when they hear fetish mentioned. and i am finding myself on the other side of the fence this time, trying to understand someone else instead of explaining how i feel

and i must ssay i find it intreag.. eh .. interesting..

Honor · Post by **Honor** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 9:40 am

Schol-R-LEA;2 wrote:...For now, I think it's safe to say the the only sort of 'trans' I am is transhumanist...

I put a response to your LJ entry, based more on the FAQ entry, I'm afraid, than your particular situation (and also added you, if you don't mind?).

Gender and sexuality are areas of particular interest to me (huge surprise, I know) and I'd agree from this extremely cursory glance with your assessment... Although I've always kind of wondered if there isn't some kind of relational similarity between things like some forms and intensities of gender dysphoria and other types of "form dysphoria"... The ones I've been seeing out of the corner of my eye for a while now and meaning to get to know more about are "otherkin".

Personally, I think gender issues are a bit like the common cold...

We're now getting to the point of understanding that the reason we can't "cure the common cold" is because there's not one particular thing that causes it, but rather a few million different causes and combinations of causes that get a patient to a very similar state of affairs.

In the realm of gender and sexuality, our idiosyncratically human need to put things into two or three neat categories has left us with some deeply flawed thoughts and views for a very long time now... There aren't two neat categories of gender, but rather at least fifteen I can think of off the top of my head. Not two sexualities, but at least six. ...And, to be honest, I think those are probably even artificially narrow categorizations we would eventually have to be disabused of.

Similarly, there aren't two or five or eight kinds of "trans" person, nor are there one or two or five causes of gender difficulty or dysphoria, but rather the myriad possible combinations of perhaps literally uncountable factors that lead individuals to a resting spot on an infinately widely varied spectrum of gender (or form, or origin) identity.

My theory is, until we can comfortably grasp the fact that people can be and are more infinately varied and unique than any one of us could ever imagine, we are throwing away a huge portion of the richness of what it is and can be to be sentient.