Ramblings and Whatings?

Zaechs · Post by **Zaechs** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 8:51 am

Well, I have been getting bored at work, and I was wondering if I could get a bit of a critigue from the reders of the worlds greatest hentai-comic ever... Okay, a little over the top but oh well, lol!

The darkened coils of rot and infestation cling about the chamber where now sits the sullen shadow of an age long mourned by the shipwrights. Begrudged a traitor by his people, and through them, Marius- Captain Marcus of the Seething Sail -rests his ass upon the damp decay of the loaming dead, still left to lay carpet for the next of kin to rest. Imprisoned, wronged, and spit upon, his great age is lost to him now as he awaits the end. Yes, it is such that even the greatest of men recognize the feast of worms and even now the fair captain is no stranger to such thoughts.

Subtly, the rap upon his barred portal rings ever so maliciously about his mind. The creak and groan of age worn hinges herald the dark tidings of a pretender, an imposter. An imposter hell bent on the power of the gods!

"I see that you still stir, yes?" The Blackclad sneers upon the broken wretch. "Or is it that mine eye decieve me?" The odious laugh, horrendous in its pitch, pierces the last barrier against the waking nightmare so forcefully, that Marius has but no choice. His eyes, glazed with starvation, reach up to the heights of his tormentor, and glare back at him.

Parched lips crackle, and cough as air leaks and wisps to and fro the fair captain's fetid lungs, "Though I wait in... somber shackles bound... I will stand once more to you fall-" A fit of wretching begets his throat as his lungs cannot bare to ware the voice any longer. And once more the Blackclad scoffs the honorific attempt of dignity.

"Truly once a man you were, but now... Hmm, you are merely a sullied thing, left to beg from worms!" Greater still the mocking laughter grows, seeping with the pungent smell of fine wine, and ale. "Sleep softly in the hopes one day your end might come, but for as long I draw breath so shall you, Marius of No Ship Worth the Burning!" And so the terrible reigns left the bit of his throat, allowing the fair captain to watch the thundering foot falls of his tormentor; nay, his judge.

So it is that these dark times befall the lands of the Listing Eye. Left lonely and abandon by the world itself, that even now it claws at the skies, seeking the redemption is so rightfully deserves. Yet, without the fall of the lesser man, nothing of this search will come. It is a history of such ill flavor that even the world has forgotten the words of the tale. But is the history of the ever stoic and charming, Captain Marius Felsbram, Captain of the Seething Sail!

Please if you must rape something in this post, please rape me not the work, lol... seriously...

Squidflakes · Post by **Squidflakes** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 9:43 am

There is a certain amount of pomp that you can expect in fantasy work, so you can be forgiven for the odd bits of grammar and over-the-top descriptions, but only to a point. If I had to describe this passage in a single word, it would be "dense".

It reminds me of Robert Jordan's style, mixed liberally with the way Tom Clancy likes to talk about super-spy technology. The idea gets lost among the ornamentation, and I'm quite in to baroque, so that's saying something.

SickandCute · Post by **SickandCute** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 9:50 am

The description is well-implemented, but I would have difficulty taking the novel seriously and losing myself in it- that writing style would, for me, seriously impinge my ability to suspend disbelief.
I love melodramatic prose and very descriptive prose, too- but this is just a BIT too much. However, clean it up a little, make it a little more clear and you're onto a winner.

Error of Logic · Post by **Error of Logic** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 9:51 am

A few too many adjectives for my taste, but it shows some promise. As has been said before, clean it up, maybe tone it down a little.

Fnyunj · Post by **Fnyunj** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 5:18 pm

squidflakes wrote:. . . . "dense".

It reminds me of Robert Jordan's style, mixed liberally with the way Tom Clancy likes to talk about super-spy technology. The idea gets lost among the ornamentation, . . ..

. . .
Or like the way Michael Chricton talks about anything medical. Or like the way Rowling discusses any topic relating to teen or pre-teen angst (only with adverbs). Or Lemony Snickett writes about writing. Or how Lovecraft describes, well, anything. . . .

Kittyboymuffin · Post by **Kittyboymuffin** » Tue Jan 23, 2007 9:31 am

Yeah ... when I do writing, I'm always vaguely nervous and caught between worrying about not describing enough, and describing too much.

Fnyunj · Post by **Fnyunj** » Sat Jan 27, 2007 3:59 pm

Describing too much isn't always a bad thing, especially when you cleverly demonstrate your mastery of the language, and in a unique and charming and engaging way. Sort of like a jazz solo.

Also like a jazz solo, it can get just plain tedious. That's what you have to look out for.

BriHahn · Post by **BriHahn** » Sat Jan 27, 2007 4:12 pm

For me, that's what happened with Tolkein.

Don't get me wrong; I loved the storylines of the Fellowship of the Ring series. But I never could finish the books because it was such a chore slogging through all the descriptions he seemed to feel he HAD to throw in there. I could've done without fifteen page descriptions of forests, thank you.

SickandCute · Post by **SickandCute** » Sat Jan 27, 2007 4:14 pm

My dad taught me to read with Tolkein. Which might be why I love over-the-top description so much.

Leeloo · Post by **Leeloo** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 1:55 am

BriHahn wrote:For me, that's what happened with Tolkein.

Don't get me wrong; I loved the storylines of the Fellowship of the Ring series. But I never could finish the books because it was such a chore slogging through all the descriptions he seemed to feel he HAD to throw in there. I could've done without fifteen page descriptions of forests, thank you.

That was an advantage for the movies, though. Often when a book is turned into a movie, people hate the movie, because "that's not how I imagined that place at all". Problem is, no two people imagined it the same way. In LOTR, the descriptions are so detailed that you could basically give them to the set builders and say "we need this".

BriHahn · Post by **BriHahn** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 6:47 am

Hence the reason why I adore the movies and yet hate the books.

Call me crazy, but I like to be able to use my imagination a bit to picture a place in my head, which is why I read so much. Tolkein tried to take that pleasure away from me with his books. Only one I ever finished was The Hobbit, and even now I'm not entirely sure how I managed that.

RavenxDrake · Post by **RavenxDrake** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 7:44 am

BriHahn wrote:Hence the reason why I adore the movies and yet hate the books.

Call me crazy, but I like to be able to use my imagination a bit to picture a place in my head, which is why I read so much. Tolkein tried to take that pleasure away from me with his books. Only one I ever finished was The Hobbit, and even now I'm not entirely sure how I managed that.

I agree. I actually did enjoy the Hobbit, quite a bit, even as dense as it was because it was a really fun story. I couldn't sink my teeth properly into the Lord of the Rings trillogy because it wasn't fun, it was serious. Which automatically made it all the more dull, on the top of the achingly drawn out details.

I slogged through all three, though, more out of a sense of duty than anything else.

Then I got to the Similarion.... and I think part of my soul died around 1/4 of the way through....

Kittyboymuffin · Post by **Kittyboymuffin** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 10:36 am

RavenxDrake wrote:.... because it wasn't fun, it was serious. ....

... I ... think you've just underscored the problem I've had with a bunch of stories that started out fun but ended up, well, serious. (A case in point was "The Ed stories", by the same guy who wrote the How to Destory the Earth page. I started reading them because they were short, random, and fun. But the minute he started worrying about "The Dreaded Continuity" to use his own words ... yeah. It has a bit of a downer-ending, too.)

BriHahn · Post by **BriHahn** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 12:34 pm

I must admit, I'm also irked by Tolkein because, throughout the course of my 28 years on this earth, there have been only FOUR, count 'em, FOUR books that I could not finish.

I don't care about All Quiet On The Western Front; I had to read that for an English class in high school and was able to bullshit all the answers and STILL get a passing grade despite having not finished the book. But the LOTR trilogy... I tried reading those because I WANTED to. And I COULDN'T FINISH THEM. Do you have ANY idea how irritating that is to a self-confessed book nerd?

Lowky · Post by **Lowky** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 6:05 pm

RavenxDrake wrote: Then I got to the Similarion.... and I think part of my soul died around 1/4 of the way through....

I think you made it further than me. I keep tuning out somewhere around so and so begat so and so begat so and so ad nauseum. It might be the best book ever written, but if you can't get past the first few chapters....

BriHahn · Post by **BriHahn** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 6:19 pm

Oh thank GOD... I thought for a while I was the only person who despised the way Tolkein writes.

Swordsman3003 · Post by **Swordsman3003** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 9:20 pm

Try reading the Bible cover to cover

Lulujayne · Post by **Lulujayne** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 9:37 pm

I actually really enjoyed (if that's the right word) All Quiet On The Western Front, it made me cry and cry. But I didn't have to read it for school so that might have helped.

The Bible wasn't too bad either, 'though I wouldn't do it again.

Robert Jordan was the biblio-killer for me. I think I've said this before, but that bastard completely stopped my fantasy genre phase dead in its tracks. That damn wheel-of-time or whatever it was withered my lust for high adventure irrevocably.

WangyJohn · Post by **WangyJohn** » Mon Jan 29, 2007 8:59 am

I read the LOTR trilogy when I was 11. I did also read Silmarillion a few years later. I tell you, that shit was only slightly less boring than the Old Testament. Yeah, I read the bible when I was 16, most of it. Intrestingly enough, the same autum I turned into an atheist...

Kingofthemorlocks · Post by **Kingofthemorlocks** » Mon Jan 29, 2007 9:12 am

I love All Quiet on the Western Front -- I've read it a couple times now.