I was wondering whether I was allowed to post this again, and since the rules said to wait a month or so, I think I'm in the clear.
I originally pitched this the moment it had 20 pages, back in March of this year. Now the comic has just breached 50 pages, I've tried to take the critiques from last time to heart, and I'd like to see what progress you guys think I've made.
I'm about to start into a new chapter, and would like some feedback from someone other than from my friends back home.
Warnings: Mild violence, a couple profane words and the beginnings of BL. That's about all the warning it needs.
http://royalblue.comicgenesis.com
Royal Blue
I'm a mean critiquer.
Well..
I tried to read your comic, but I was for the most part too distracted with the awkward anatomy and thrown off with the sudden SD scenes (suddenly everyone is a plush toy?). I was also not sure what the setting was.. seemed like it was a foresty park, then this house that stood all by itself, and then there was like the Nevada desert in the background. And the whole time inbetween.. there was nothing to indicate where they were, what time of the day it was, or if was sunny, cloudy, windy, rainy... those things are subtle but clever ways to set the mood of a comic.
They story is too far fetched (not believable). :/
I actually had a hard time reading the text.
Make bigger word bubbles and write bigger. (leave space for words when drawing). Don't try to force so much on one page.
You could also try to draw smaller pictures so that there's plenty of negative space for text.
I noticed you are not drawing your people consistantly.
http://royalblue.comicgenesis.com/d/20060213.html
Bottom left -- looks like the guy and the girl are joined at the pelvis.
(note for guy anatomy drawing)
guy body
A quick guide to the male body -- it's not super helpful :(
however I did notcie your guys had spines and lungs under their chests, but seemed to be lacking rib cages. The human rib cage is more wide than the human head at all places.
When viewed from the side, the chest should be at least two (more like three) necks wide and also be slightly bigger than the greatest width of the head.
From the front, an old teenager (lol, I mean late teens) will usually have sholders about two or three heads wide.
(note for science of profiles drawing) where things line up (profile). A few rules I learned while reading a lot of comics.
(note for inconsistant heads (frontal and profile))
The first thing I noticed was that your character's faces suddenly become a lot large when in profile. Your frontal faces seem to be fairly correct-looking, so perhaps you should try matching up profiles with frontals more often.
Well..
I tried to read your comic, but I was for the most part too distracted with the awkward anatomy and thrown off with the sudden SD scenes (suddenly everyone is a plush toy?). I was also not sure what the setting was.. seemed like it was a foresty park, then this house that stood all by itself, and then there was like the Nevada desert in the background. And the whole time inbetween.. there was nothing to indicate where they were, what time of the day it was, or if was sunny, cloudy, windy, rainy... those things are subtle but clever ways to set the mood of a comic.
They story is too far fetched (not believable). :/
I actually had a hard time reading the text.
Make bigger word bubbles and write bigger. (leave space for words when drawing). Don't try to force so much on one page.
You could also try to draw smaller pictures so that there's plenty of negative space for text.
I noticed you are not drawing your people consistantly.
http://royalblue.comicgenesis.com/d/20060213.html
Bottom left -- looks like the guy and the girl are joined at the pelvis.
(note for guy anatomy drawing)
guy body
A quick guide to the male body -- it's not super helpful :(
however I did notcie your guys had spines and lungs under their chests, but seemed to be lacking rib cages. The human rib cage is more wide than the human head at all places.
When viewed from the side, the chest should be at least two (more like three) necks wide and also be slightly bigger than the greatest width of the head.
From the front, an old teenager (lol, I mean late teens) will usually have sholders about two or three heads wide.
(note for science of profiles drawing) where things line up (profile). A few rules I learned while reading a lot of comics.
(note for inconsistant heads (frontal and profile))
The first thing I noticed was that your character's faces suddenly become a lot large when in profile. Your frontal faces seem to be fairly correct-looking, so perhaps you should try matching up profiles with frontals more often.
- Attachments
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- inconsistant head (frontal and profile)
The first thing I noticed was that your chara - nofaces.jpg (39.22 KiB) Viewed 138 times
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- where things line up (profile)
A few rules I learned while reading a lot of comics. - profiles.jpg (28.66 KiB) Viewed 138 times
-
- guy body
A quick guide to the male body -- it's not super helpful :(
however I did - 8headstall.jpg (27.49 KiB) Viewed 138 times
I'M MAKING A GAME | GALLERY | The old webcomic:http://www.skimlines.com | [url=irc://irc.esper.net/keenspace]irc://irc.esper.net/keenspace[/url]
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That guy
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Kodama is, indeed, a harsh critic... but generally right on the money.
After taking all of her suggestions to heart, remind yourself that you are incredibly talented and this comic is something to be proud of. It is. I promise. I like your style of shading and line quality and your page layout varies and stays interesting.
Good stuff. Now the bad:
My biggest problems were the same that bother me in MOST online manga:
1)It's totally legit to jump from realistic to cute-stylized characters in manga, but ONLY when it serves a purpose. Otherwise your characters are totally different panel to panel and it's confusing. It also wears off the novelty and impact of that particular gimmick.
2) I refuse to believe your characters are male when they have EVERY female characteristic except for breasts. There are conventions in comics to help the audience know your characters are male other than saying "he." It happens a LOT in manga, I know there's precident, but it bugs the crap outta me & many others. He can be masculine & still pretty
3) You're not fond of backgrounds. That's fine, but an establishing shot or two and a few simple background elements in each page would really help to ground the comic in a sense of space. - And as Kadoma said, make that space consistent.
Everything boils down this: make things easy for your audience. If we're working too hard on the details (who your characters are, what sex they are, and where they are) then we're doing TOO much to be able to enjoy the story. The story is odd - it's compelling - and it raises its own questions... it deserves to be read deeply - - but it won't be if your audience gets caught up in the surface stuff before they get a chance.
After taking all of her suggestions to heart, remind yourself that you are incredibly talented and this comic is something to be proud of. It is. I promise. I like your style of shading and line quality and your page layout varies and stays interesting.
Good stuff. Now the bad:My biggest problems were the same that bother me in MOST online manga:
1)It's totally legit to jump from realistic to cute-stylized characters in manga, but ONLY when it serves a purpose. Otherwise your characters are totally different panel to panel and it's confusing. It also wears off the novelty and impact of that particular gimmick.
2) I refuse to believe your characters are male when they have EVERY female characteristic except for breasts. There are conventions in comics to help the audience know your characters are male other than saying "he." It happens a LOT in manga, I know there's precident, but it bugs the crap outta me & many others. He can be masculine & still pretty
3) You're not fond of backgrounds. That's fine, but an establishing shot or two and a few simple background elements in each page would really help to ground the comic in a sense of space. - And as Kadoma said, make that space consistent.
Everything boils down this: make things easy for your audience. If we're working too hard on the details (who your characters are, what sex they are, and where they are) then we're doing TOO much to be able to enjoy the story. The story is odd - it's compelling - and it raises its own questions... it deserves to be read deeply - - but it won't be if your audience gets caught up in the surface stuff before they get a chance.
What he said. The only thing that bothered me was at-times less-than-perfectly-legible speech bubbles. All the previous things that've been pointed out, though, now that I *look* for them, I see. I say that you've got enough of an overall style going to where they don't detract from the rest of the comic.That guy wrote:you are incredibly talented and this comic is something to be proud of. It is. I promise. I like your style of shading and line quality and your page layout varies and stays interesting.
Which I like, by the way. Bookmark'd.
"If you hear a voice inside you saying "you are not an artist," then by all means make art... and that voice shall be silenced"
-Adapted from Van Gogh
-Adapted from Van Gogh