Coming out to parents

[Hampster]

On 2002-04-13 20:56, DetailBear wrote:
So any of you have permission to hug me on sight in RL and jump into my arms anytime.

I'll have to remember that; London isn't so far away.

[Allan_ecker]

Woa. Little reminder that not every workplace is GBLT friendly. Maxim Integrated Products in Oregon is, though! When my employer was talking to me before I left, he said that Maxim offers benefits to spouses and same sex partners without blinking. This might not seem like much, but the fact that he told me this was also a way of saying, "If you're a homophobe, you're not wanted here." Really made me feel more comfortable.

[Hampster]

On 2002-04-14 17:00, allan_ecker wrote:
Woa. Little reminder that not every workplace is GBLT friendly. Maxim Integrated Products in Oregon is, though! When my employer was talking to me before I left, he said that Maxim offers benefits to spouses and same sex partners without blinking. This might not seem like much, but the fact that he told me this was also a way of saying, "If you're a homophobe, you're not wanted here." Really made me feel more comfortable.

bleah,

We don't even get vision coverage, took 5 or 6 months of asking, begging, getting it approved, then reminding them when it didn't show up on my paycheck for a month and a half--- to get a dollar an hour raise.


We were running the wiring for... hm. I think it was a GPS integrated moving map, anyway, buddy and I were both crammed in under the instrument panel, not a lot of room- the sides of our bodies are pressed together, and he's got his hands deep to his elbows in wires and lines, and by now it's taken twice as long as we'd hoped, and four times as long as would have been comfortable- cause we're on bare aluminum with seat tracks digging into are backs, holding the rudder pedals out of the way with our heads,

but I'm having fun, because every third word out of his mouth is cocksucker or some variation, (I've always wondered, why does fucking work as a curse? what, you don't like fucking?) and I'm strangling myself to keep from laughing as all I can think is What Would Volair Do, in this situation?

<small>And it's go boys go - they'll time your every breath
And every day you're in this place you're two days nearer death
But you go

Well a process man am I and I'm telling you no lie
I work and breathe among the fumes that trail across the sky
There's thunder all around me and there's poison in the air
There's a lousy smell that smacks of hell and dust all in me hair

Well I've worked among the spinners and I've breathed the oily smoke
I've shovelled up the gypsum and it nigh on makes you choke
I've stood knee deep in cyanide, got sick with the caustic burn
And working rough I've seen enough to make your stomach turn

There's overtime and bonus opportunities galore
The young men like their money and they all come back for more
But soon you're knocking on and you look older than you should
For every bob made on the job, you pay with flesh and blood

Well a process man am I and I'm telling you no lie
I work and breathe among the fumes that trail across the sky
There's thunder all around me and there's poison in the air
There's a lousy smell that smacks of hell and dust all in me hair</small>

[Allan_ecker]

On 2002-04-14 20:13, hampster wrote:

but I'm having fun, because every third word out of his mouth is cocksucker or some variation, (I've always wondered, why does fucking work as a curse? what, you don't like fucking?) and I'm strangling myself to keep from laughing as all I can think is What Would Volair Do, in this situation?

Volair, would, in all likelyhood, do nothing for a long time and then, biting his lip, say "Please, please PLEASE stop saying that before I do something impolite!"

Anyone want a WWVD bumper sticker?

[Andrick]

Sorry, Allen, but it would clash with my WWGGD bumper sticker; have to pass on that one.

Hampster, perhaps you are not aware of the Old Salt's definition of a buddy. A buddy is someone who, knowing you are on duty and stuck on ship, goes out on liberty into town, gets two blowjobs, come back onto ship and gives you one.

[Nyamaza]

I had what I am guessing is a rather unique coming out experience. you see, my mom and I have always been emmensely close, all the way up to my senior year of high school. During that year I met my first lover online and, step by step, we both realized we had feelings for one another. We actually hadn't seen each other at this point (no pictures online). He flew out to Kentucky for my Eagle Scout court of honor and high school graduation, and then I flew back with him to Utah to spend a few days at his place.

During that trip our feelings for one another really bloomed, and another trip to spend time together was planned. Before I flew back out to his place I talked with my mom about my feelings, and intentions for the trip. Up till this point I'd never really had any secrets from my parents, particularly my mom, and I wanted to share this part of my life I was discovering with her...

I'll skip the discussion. Suffice it to say that without condeming ME, she still was able to lay the foundations for a guilt complex that would come up anytime I tried to yiff with my new lover.

Since then I've gotten over the complex, but have been far less giving with my mom about any sort of details with my life. SHe still refuses to accept I'm actually gay, stuck in the "it's a phase" stage. I haven't even tried explaining that I'm more 70% gay, 30% Het, that'd just drive the "confusion" idea further home with her.

Just to be complete, neither my sister nor dad know, and don't plan on tellign them anytime soon.

Oh, and I'd be interested in one of those WWVD stickers.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Nyamaza on 2002-04-16 14:00 ]</font>

[Allan_ecker]

Ouch. For what it's worth, I suspect your mother will eventually realize it was HER who was going through the phase and not you.

Good luck!

[Nyamaza]

Hope so, but her phase has kinda been going on for 2 years now. She might have slipped into the I'm not talkign about it unless he brings it up" phase, it's hard to tell. But hey, that's more her problem then mine, and at least there's no bitterness being involved.

[Allan_ecker]

But.. Do the SCOUTS know?

[Nyamaza]

I only realized my feelings for my lover were sexual AFTER the court of honor.
After that, I saw no reason to inform them... if they need to know, they'll ask.

[Alfador]

I came out to my mom yesterday. Well...technically, it was today, since it was after work and thus after midnight.

She reacted a lot better than I'd imagined.

It all started when I mentioned offhand that May 9 (my In Character birthday; the day Alfador was created on FurryMUCK) would be a day of renewal for me--I'm trying to do a little clean-up to symbolize my decision to accept bisexuality, things like cleaning out my wallet, removing the food wrappers from the floor of my bedroom, little things like that--and when she asked the reason, I choked. I got all "nevermind" and she insisted on knowing what was going on.

So we talked. For about an hour, before I finally let it all out. I had been so afraid that my parents would kick me out of the house or withdraw financial support, or something to send my life down the toilet, if I ever said I was bi or gay. Mom informed me that I was right to be worried--if DAD ever found out, he'd likely have a worse reaction; he's a bit less...tolerant...than Mom is.

Anyway, I'm still living with my parents. But I haven't told my dad, and doubt I ever will.

Here comes the odd part.

Mom told me it could be an illusion. That, because I had extremely little social life whilst growing up (true) that I could be mistaking a need for relationships with both sexes for a need for sexual relationships with both sexes. Y'see, I've never been attracted to MANY humans, only a very few (of both sexes). Whereas certain...artwork...of furries, online, brings about a...reaction...in me. Photographic 'net porn of humans simply disgusts me. I don't like it. RL humans can be cute, though.

Anyways, she said that it was still uncertain whether I was straight, bi, or even gay. Simply because I'm still socially inexperienced enough to actually make that decision informedly. This may be so. Enough so that I could see myself as "indecisive" yet again. But until further evidence presents itself, I'm going to seek relationships (NONsexual at first; if they develop further...I'll see.) with persons of both sexes.

And whatever happens, I'll always have friends. 8)

[Allan_ecker]

Way to come out, Alfy!

What is the deal with dads and homophobia? Seems like they're always the ones you Can't Tell, for some reason.

I never had to deal with anything like that, because I always had known where my parents stood on the matter thanks to frequent and occasionally violent outbursts about the administration's failure to lift the ban on homosexuals in the military, etc.

In fact, I had a male fellow student of EE ask me out, and my Dad's reaction was "Wow, it's too bad you're not single. Think of the INCOME a pair of double E's could pull in. And you'd never have to pay the expenses of raising children!" My dad is kind of insane. Thank god.

It's supremely screwed up that, even with this level of tolerance, I can never reveal this comic, not because of the issues involved, but the time used up, and my father's paranoid ideas of what employer's will be looking at if they hire me.

Sheesh.

[ZOMBIE USER 8511]

I never came out to my father, either, and I waited until after he had died before coming out to Mom, so she didn't have to hide it.

In our house, it was occasional rants about why the government didn't round up all the AIDS patients and lock them away somewhere. Father was poorly educated, a redneck and generally intolerant of most minorities. He greatly admired Archie Bunker and didn't get the message being sent by the stories.

North American society generally puts an emphasis on men's masculinity, and the man who likes men isn't considered a man by many. "Gay" is still the insult of choice in schools, to *really* cut someone. And fathers still see their sons as extensions of themselves. A gay son calls the father's sexuality (and therefore his masculinity) into question.

[WolfFur]

I never even heard the word bisexual until I was in college. My sexual fantasies had always involved both men and women, but I kind of assumed that everyone fantasized like that, and that "gay" or "straight" was which one you chose to follow. Since I never had a sexual relationship with anyone until I was OUT of college, "coming out" was a matter that never occurred to me.

I married the first woman I ever had sex with. Early in our relationship she mentioned that she would have little trouble accepting me having sex with a man since there was something there she knew she couldn't offer. (Why she happened to say this, I still have no idea and she doesn't remember.) The ensuing conversation resulted in my "coming out" to her as bisexual, though I STILL didn;t realize that was what I was doing.

Long story short: We're still happily married, with 3 kids, 2 cars and a home in the subburbs. We've also BOTH experimented with a variety of sexual activities, and maintain an openness about our sexuality that we are very, very lucky to have developed.

As far as coming out to my parents: At this point in my life I figure, why bother? IF something were to every happen to our relationship, and IF afterwards I became seriously interested in a man as a life partner, I would tell them, though in fact I figure they knew what I preferred a long time before I did. If it had happened to slip by them, I would expect my mother to not really care and my father to be dissapointed but supportive. But again, as a grown married man with my own responsabilities to my own family, letting them know simply isn't important.

[Hampster]

C&V

About a month before TwoSox arrived I'd taken my mum out to dinner at the pub in East City to celebrate
the end of that phase of an inquest she was involved in. And it was one of those great, relaxing reconnections.

In the car later we were chatting, and her lawyer being a lesbian comes up, and how her partner does all the shopping, and balances the checkbooks, and does all the cooking/cleaning.

This is just great, IHO, hence my mom asking her if lawyers' partner has a sister. And then we both laugh at my sisters, who are absolutely mortified when my mom does stuff like this. (But my sisters also hate Priscilla, whereas the only thing I don't like about that movie is how whenever I watch The Matrix I can't help seeing Agent Smith in a grey-flannel skirt and blouse)

So mom works her way around to asking me if I'm gay so I say (para) "Well... I spent a lot of years wondering about stuff like that, but I can honestly say I'm not gay."

Technically true.


After visiting with my Grandparents, feeling the wieght of The Lie, and the deadline of TDS' visit pressing down; we're in the car again going to pick up my sister from work. And among the chit-chat after about 4 abortive attempts

**about 3 minutes of silence.**

::Deep Breathe::

"When I said I wasn't gay... the truth is I'm not exactly straight either, and when it comes to relationships I'm really just looking for someone nice."

::pause::

And she says that's fine, and I inhale.

Then we sat in the car waiting for my sister and talked about how my Dad might not take it so well.

Not for religious or personal reasons, But What Would People Think!? The scandal!

Then we after much discussion decided he probably wouldn't have a problem as long as my boyfriend was A: Good looking
and B: In a respectable field making good money, Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer etc...


How dare she make this such a non issue? doesn't she realize the years of angst I gave myself over this? :p

[Kesh]

Well, might as well make my first post a good one.

I haven't come out to my parents about my bisexuality yet. My mother has claimed to be accepting, but at the same time she always mentions how people "who live that way" will "have to pay for their actions eventually." Doesn't exactly create a friendly atmosphere.

Dad's unusually quiet about the subject. I actually think he would be the more accepting of the two.

The only family member who knows is my sister. I told her about two years ago, because I knew she would be the only one who would understand and accept it. That didn't make it any easier, but I'm glad I did.

I may never tell my parents. It depends on what happens in my life. I know I won't tell my grandparents or extended family. They would disown me in a heartbeat. Not that I would be too terribly upset.

[Allan_ecker]

Welcome aboard!

Wow. Sometimes I forget that not everyone has it as easy as those of us who live with liberal parents. Ultimately, I don't think it matters too much. I mean, having to keep a secret from your family is bad, but it's not necissarily something that they have to be told. If you find your soulmate and that person isn't the "right gender", you'll have to come out of the closet to *avoid* unpleasantness. But (and I know of at least one bisexual individual who is doing this), if your soulmate is the "right gender", no harm, no foul. It's none of your parents' business that this person might have had different equipment, all things being equal.

So I say there's nothing wrong with putting it off.

Thanks for coming to the forum, and for having the guts to come out to us. Even though it might not seem like much with the mean kinsey around here being almost exactly three, it is. Welcome to our odd little family.

Wow, I feel just like Jennifer Reitz.

[Nslashk]

*sigh* I might as well come out too, while we're all sitting around here.

Okay, you guys mightn't know me well, but I read Umlaut House (or as I like to call it because I'm stupid, Umlaut Haus) and...

Okay, God. This is difficult.

Well, it's not a comfortable feeling knowing you're "different" and in the minority in your community, so I'll just say it.

I'm straight.

I know. I don't get it either. But you know, it was just around my adolescent years that it really hit me "Man.. I'd love to date some girl. That'd be some fun. .... wonder what a 'date' is, anyway..? They're fun, right?" and from there, I dunno, it's just seemed to blossom.

I tried to hide it by well, pretending to know what the hell chartreuse is (it's like sienna, right? Or that, uh, 'tur-quoise'?) and have some dress sense. I even considered buying a Ministry of Sound release and tried my hand at art.

But I can't draw, dance music sounds like a modem handshaking a C++ compiler plugged into a coffee machine for me and well.. what can I say. There's something about <strike>breasts</strike> uh, womanly aspects that has influences over me.

Of course, I've tried to live in a fake kind of ignorance about the whole thing, thinking maybe I could change with time if I just denied myself enough, but.. well.. you can't change who you are, or should want to anyway. So yeah. I'm straight. So I guess I gotta, you know, oppress y'all and be insensitive to your very real problems now. I guess this post trivialising the whole matter's a good start.

But I can't rest now. There's something called "monster trucks" or something I'm meant to know about. And the Bible. God, I gotta be able to quote Leviticus, apparently, at you people. I mean, what the fuck's a Leviticus anyway?

The road ahead of me isn't an easy path, but I can only make it if you guys help me and accept me and my non-acceptance of your ways into your community. If this pays off, you'll have made a life-long enemy who you can taunt with sites like http://www.godhatesfigs.com and so on.

We don't do these things because they're easy. We do them because they're hard.

Quit sniggering. Hard as in arduous. Shit, that's another thing - I gotta lose my vocabulary. Ah, hell. Might as well get started.

REPEMNT, GOD TURNS HIS BACK ON YOU BECAUSE OF UR HOMO-SIN-UALITY AND IF THERES ONE THING A <STRIKE>GAY</STRIKE> FAG HATES, IT'S ANOTHER GUY TURNING HIS BACK ON HIM.. SEE U IN HELL, ASSHOLES ECEPT I WONT COS I'M OFF TO HEAVEN COS I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING IN SPREADING HATRED
n/k
Don't pity me, folks. My brain's already dead.

[Allan_ecker]

And, as much guts as it takes to come out as having an alternative lifestyle to a group that is pretty much *made* of alternative lifestyles, it takes almost the same amount of guts to come out to that group as being a Vanilla type guy.

Your straightness doesn't bother me one bit. Hell, I thought *I* was straight once. (In fact, I started this comic under that assumption!)

Which is not to say that I think you aren't straight. You are what you are. And nobody has the right to look down on you or disbelieve your feelings. Welcome aboard, and welcome out of the closet.

[Nslashk]

Oh, I'm wise to your games. You think you can CONVERT me, DONCHA?! Oh yeah, I seen this, the guy goes into a store to get a mod chip for his Playstation and the guy behind the counter's chatting on the phone so he doesn't pay attention to what he's going and he hands over a Gaystation mod chip and before the guy knows what's happened he's buying Hawaiian shirts and sipping Mai Tais. Ohhh no, I'm wise to YOUR GAMES you DECEITFUL BISEXUAL CARTOONIST FOX! You'll have to TRY AGAIN!
n/k