Untitled! Fanfiction!

Ironpaw · Post by **Ironpaw** » Wed Mar 20, 2002 3:00 pm

Since Rico's working on his, and everyone here seems to like reading things, I thought I'd repost my unfinished Untitled! fanfic in msword format for those of you who are interested. I originally posted it in segments about a year ago, and it was written on a road trip to Alaska. Comments are welcome, of course.

Untitled Untitled! fanfic!

Rico Underwood · Post by **Rico Underwood** » Fri Mar 22, 2002 8:20 pm

I can't read anything without commenting so kick my ass for critque.

It's a good solid active plot line. The description is better than most of the writers on Artail. But, Frankly... it's too... 2D. If you're thinking about giving writing a stab I can give ya some pointers. I'm no Drazen but I have a few stories under my belt.

Main two points

I did notice a lack of subplots. Granted its a shortstory. But even a 5k story needs a subplot. They help round out the story. I can imagine Gloria can give you advice there. She's got a bunch in her comic.

Ok and the second is the same problem I have with Gloria's style. I can't say emotion because thats not the word. It's just that it sounds like you're telling an after school special. Case in point, If someone gets shot with a .45 what happens? I KNOW you know better than this you gunnut you

The target does not say "oh crap" do a double back flip and faint. He probably screams some obsenity while his lungs deflate. Or his head just explodes in a mess of blood, gore, and brain fluid. There where a few points that you started to describe some bloodshed but either went into a funny sequence or didn't follow through. It may not sound nice to a bunch of old ladies at tea time but it needs to happen when gun fights are involved.

Oh!

One thing that makes me think you have a LOT of potential is the fact that you added some funny skits in. Not many people do that. I just griped at some poor kid on Artail for being to stale with his drama, lol. Without comedic breaks, the action (no matter how intense) can get stale. In essence they keep reader's eyes from glazing over while reading. Great job on those!

Like I said before an overall good job man. I hope I helped ya some. You have a good start at story writing, hope you decide to start writing again.

Now I gotta think on the fic at hand. >.<

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Rico Underwood on 2002-03-22 20:26 ]</font>

Ironpaw · Post by **Ironpaw** » Fri Mar 22, 2002 10:31 pm

ExACTly what I was looking for from you, thanks Rico.

Quite obviously the gory "realism" has been intentionally understated. I was trying not to focus too much on the action so much as the human (furry?) factor around it. And what violent descriptions I could have used, I traded in for gratituous weapon description, so... yeah.

As far as subplots go, you're perfectly right. Frankly I have no idea how I would start interweaving the subplots in except to say that the scope of this is NOT a short story, and what you have is close to "chapter one" of the intended plot. The whole point of this venture was to 1) break myself back into writing, and 2) do something I've never done before and NOT write a short story. Most (if not all) of my writing background has been satirical essays and short stories, some of which have been published in a publication or two long past. Since I've evolved from the caustic, sarcastic sense of humour (somewhat) that I used to have... I'm for want of things to right about...

Anyway, thanks for your comments! Let's see if I can continue on this, and I'll try and be more gory. ; )

Rico Underwood · Post by **Rico Underwood** » Fri Mar 22, 2002 10:49 pm

*bows* no problem.

I have an idea for a plot. It's not my best but it should have enough juice for a shortstory. Probably 8 or 9 thousand words.

You think Gloria would freak out if I did had factors relating to Mobius? I mean it would not be hard to just not use it. But it make the Sega obessesed furs more interested.

Ironpaw · Post by **Ironpaw** » Fri Mar 22, 2002 11:16 pm

The ball is entirely in your court, so I'm sure it's not a problem!

Rico Underwood · Post by **Rico Underwood** » Fri Mar 22, 2002 11:21 pm

Okay, I'm try to get at least an intro done to show Da Twapa Skillet Flinger.

Ironpaw · Post by **Ironpaw** » Fri Mar 22, 2002 11:26 pm

Shoot... she can fling more than a skillet! She flung me halfway across the room once... heh... and did I mention she comes close to matching my grouping with a Glock?

Are you going to post this as it goes, or only when it's done? What's your ETA?

Rico Underwood · Post by **Rico Underwood** » Fri Mar 22, 2002 11:33 pm

I'm doing 3 stories simultaneously as of now. I'll post a ongoing draft copy on this board in some new topic so I can keep you guys updated.

ETA? between 1 week and 6 months. o.o

Crash · Post by **Crash** » Sat Mar 23, 2002 12:26 am

Um, my critiquing skills come nowhere close to Rico's (All I write are papers for class), but I enjoyed the story. I thought the beginning paragraphs contained some excellent character development.

Perhaps it could use some more expository writing-setting scenes, laying out where all the pieces are before the action starts. And switching perspectives, describing events from a remote location. For example, when Misha calls in for evac, describe it from the aircrew's end-Misha's request, some quick mission prep and a call to the tower(what's the cover story?), and maybe part of the flight out to the clearing.

If there's more to come, I certainly look forward to it. Nice job, Ironpaw!

Gloria · Post by **Gloria** » Sat Mar 23, 2002 11:21 am

*is singing a la Element 101*

"In silence and subtlety, he says, don't go away, I really want to, stay, in silence and subtlety..."

Oh, um... Hey! I dunno, considering how long it's been since he's written anything, I still think it's an AWESOME story. And... well, I guess I'm a cheater, because I know the inside story on all the characters and whatnot, so I think he got the characterization RIGHT ON, and he DID use a lot of emotion, I thought... and anyway, this is still kinda 1st draft stage, you know? (Not that *I* ever did much revision in my writing days, as anybody who reads my stuff can plainly see.)

Ech. anyway... looking forward to seeing Rico's story, and GREATLY anticipating the event of Devon working some more on his... *wink wink, nudge nudge...*

My .02 cents. Yes.

Hraxmeim · Post by **Hraxmeim** » Sat Mar 23, 2002 5:38 pm

"Shoot... she can fling more than a skillet! She flung me halfway across the room once... heh... and did I mention she comes close to matching my grouping with a Glock? "

Remind me never to get Gloria mad at me.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Hraxmeim on 2002-03-23 20:30 ]</font>

Rico Underwood · Post by **Rico Underwood** » Sat Mar 23, 2002 8:41 pm

I got it! A weird drama movie light the pilot light. Hopefully an intro will turn up the heat. This should be a decent story, I'm trying to iron out the goal and stuff for it now.