I tried to kill myself today...

Vazagi · Post by **Vazagi** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:59 pm

Sorry that i didn't post before. I'm glad that you got better Michael.

And nobody here thinks that you are a coward. I too have thought of taking my life (and i think that almost everyone has), but i have always felt that if i did, THEN i would be a coward...

Just look at all these people who wants you to get better! We may not be in the same country or even on the same continent, but everyone here cares about you, and would greatly miss you.

Grendelwulf · Post by **Grendelwulf** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 10:49 pm

*Applauds Ez8*
See michael? We're liked!
*Grabs michael and starts dancing*
WHEEEEEEEE!
...
Feel free to hit me at any time!

DevilGirl · Post by **DevilGirl** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 11:25 pm

I'm sorry I wasn't here yesterday to offer my support; I was off sick from work and in bed

But I do have something to say. Last month I joined this board and you welcomed me here with open arms. I would have been very sad if you had died, it would have meant another friend lost to me; the fact that it would have been a new one too would have been doubly tragic.

I know what it's like to live through days where you just don't feel useful to anyone. The sad thing is I'm not 17 and about to leave school; I'm 26 and have been married to the nicest guy I've ever met for nearly six years.

It does hurt; man does it hurt a lot! But at the end of the day I know there are some people out there who would miss me if I died, and that is what keeps me going. It's the same for you; a lot of people would miss you and I count myself among them.

You're no coward; you knew you had a problem and told your friends, and none of us turned our backs on you. It takes a lot of bravery to ask for help.

Be well; and live!

DevilGirl · Post by **DevilGirl** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 11:32 pm

Sorry to repeat myself here;

If it helps, get a cat! I have two and the pair of them are very good fuzz therapy.

Or a dog, perhaps; or any other kind of animal to have as a companion.
_________________

[ This Message was edited by: DevilGirl on 2002-04-11 00:34 ]

DJ Pirtu · Post by **DJ Pirtu** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 12:31 am

So much to say.
So late.
(So what?)
Nice to hear that you feel better now Michael.

Garoshy · Post by **Garoshy** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 1:51 am

On 2002-04-11 00:32, DevilGirl wrote:
Sorry to repeat myself here;

If it helps, get a cat! I have two and the pair of them are very good fuzz therapy.
_________________

[ This Message was edited by: DevilGirl on 2002-04-11 00:34 ]

yes a cat will do you good, I allways feel relaxed when I pet my cat. Well I don't have any choise, my cat DEMANDS attention when she want's attention...
Cats... they are so... spesial.. I can't live without them...

So go Michael! your future friend are waiting for you...

[ This Message was edited by: Garoshy on 2002-04-11 02:53 ]

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 4:15 am

I thank you. I thank you all with my whole heart. You were right, I came here, because I knew that this is the place, where I can tell my troubles there will be people who will listen to me. Yesterday, I was really down. I was walking on the rock bottom. And you all helped me. And for that I thank you. I thank you all for being the purest friends I've ever met.

BTW, good idea having a pet. I have a dog - nine years old german shepherd called Tera.

Geardog · Post by **Geardog** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 4:41 am

Oh man, sorry I came so late.

Just in case you feel down again, I think you should help out at a nursing home. Helping others can help yourself.

DarkBlood_Warwing · Post by **DarkBlood_Warwing** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 5:13 am

lucky, If i'd post this where I use to hang I just get flamed

me? people are't sencear enough...they just give tripe to 'try' and make me feel betetr, because they think i'm just like them, so advice they get, or give to there clones will work for me.

I feel worthless, no one cares
I'm not loved, and people -are- shallow and do want particlualr things, I have nothing to desire.

also, from my observation, people who run around with suicidal tendinces are liked more, because everyone feels obliged to protect them and love them, evertime I tell these loonies I should cut myself to be loved they blow up, little do they know they fawn and drool and love those who always do those actions.

it's a fact, no one will save me, nor care...I'm hardly anyone's light, reason for living, and the only thing why I do is because I'm lazy, fear full (stupid chiristainty and lazy spirits won't tell me whats out there) and, the slight glitter of hope that i'll be rich and stuff.

I am half, I doubt I can feel, I cannot feel 100 emotions, I don't have those lovy feeling for anyone so then I can be loved back and want to live even if I had some painfull thing (even if there is a soul dealy and I'm not some idot human soul dealy)

yarh.....mabye some plastic surgrey and a parcial lobotmy will make me more deserible...people do not get infatuated by altursim and good deeds, they want pretty big breasted dumb girls, one reason i wish I was male.

sorry for screwing up the post, I also want to see how you would 'care' for me, despite anything...if one truly is kind and tolerant, theyd feel for the 'dark' ones.
otherwise they are as bad as the demons they hate.

DarkBlood_Warwing · Post by **DarkBlood_Warwing** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 5:16 am

lucky, If i'd post this where I use to hang I just get flamed

me? people are't sencear enough...they just give tripe to 'try' and make me feel betetr, because they think i'm just like them, so advice they get, or give to there clones will work for me.

I feel worthless, no one cares
I'm not loved, and people -are- shallow and do want particlualr things, I have nothing to desire.

also, from my observation, people who run around with suicidal tendinces are liked more, because everyone feels obliged to protect them and love them, evertime I tell these loonies I should cut myself to be loved they blow up, little do they know they fawn and drool and love those who always do those actions.

it's a fact, no one will save me, nor care...I'm hardly anyone's light, reason for living, and the only thing why I do is because I'm lazy, fear full (stupid chiristainty and lazy spirits won't tell me whats out there) and, the slight glitter of hope that i'll be rich and stuff.

I am half, I doubt I can feel, I cannot feel 100 emotions, I don't have those lovy feeling for anyone so then I can be loved back and want to live even if I had some painfull thing (even if there is a soul dealy and I'm not some idot human soul dealy)

yarh.....mabye some plastic surgrey and a parcial lobotmy will make me more deserible...people do not get infatuated by altursim and good deeds, they want pretty big breasted dumb girls, one reason i wish I was male.

sorry for screwing up the post, I also want to see how you would 'care' for me, despite anything...if one truly is kind and tolerant, theyd feel for the 'dark' ones.
otherwise they are as bad as the demons they hate.

DarkBlood_Warwing · Post by **DarkBlood_Warwing** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 5:16 am

lucky, If i'd post this where I use to hang I just get flamed

me? people are't sencear enough...they just give tripe to 'try' and make me feel betetr, because they think i'm just like them, so advice they get, or give to there clones will work for me.

I feel worthless, no one cares
I'm not loved, and people -are- shallow and do want particlualr things, I have nothing to desire.

also, from my observation, people who run around with suicidal tendinces are liked more, because everyone feels obliged to protect them and love them, evertime I tell these loonies I should cut myself to be loved they blow up, little do they know they fawn and drool and love those who always do those actions.

it's a fact, no one will save me, nor care...I'm hardly anyone's light, reason for living, and the only thing why I do is because I'm lazy, fear full (stupid chiristainty and lazy spirits won't tell me whats out there) and, the slight glitter of hope that i'll be rich and stuff.

I am half, I doubt I can feel, I cannot feel 100 emotions, I don't have those lovy feeling for anyone so then I can be loved back and want to live even if I had some painfull thing (even if there is a soul dealy and I'm not some idot human soul dealy)

yarh.....mabye some plastic surgrey and a parcial lobotmy will make me more deserible...people do not get infatuated by altursim and good deeds, they want pretty big breasted dumb girls, one reason i wish I was male.

sorry for screwing up the post, I also want to see how you would 'care' for me, despite anything...if one truly is kind and tolerant, theyd feel for the 'dark' ones.
otherwise they are as bad as the demons they hate.

DeByrus · Post by **DeByrus** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 5:28 am

DarkBlood, two things:
One, please do not triple post a long message, and
Two, get either a spell check or a dictionary.
That's a lot of typos!

Whabang · Post by **Whabang** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 5:40 am

Since when do you have to be lazy to stay alive? Life is the toughest challenge of them all. It's the ones who kill themselves that are lazy cowards!

Most guys I know including myself don't want big breasted dumb girls. Unfortunately those who do tend to make more noise than the rest of us.

C'mon! Dare to live on! Nobody is anyones light. It's all about a bunch of coincidences that makes people happier by random. Sometimes we just cling to them longer than others. It makes us stronger as persons, as individuals.

And no, I don't think you screwed the post, it was right on topic.

Max Damage · Post by **Max Damage** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 5:42 am

people do not get infatuated by altursim and good deeds

I do! Seriously.

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 7:58 am

DarkBlood, I'm not very good at comforting people, but I see that it's my turn to help a friend.

Like I said before, I tried to kill myself because I thought that noone cares about me and that I'm of no use. Everyone here told me that it's not true. Everyone will get chance to prove himself sooner or later. When was in school today, I had a conversation with my one of my real friends, Stereth. (Yes, I do have real friends. Only when I'm depressed, I doubt.)

"Stereth, I tried to kill myself yesterday. I'm of no use for anyone."

And Stereth said a wonderful thing, that I will always remember.

Stereth:"You're of no use? And what's the problem?"

Back to the people. Yes, most people are shallow, but the rest is not. I've met many shallow people in my life and also, I've met some people who are true friends. Don't judge humanity by one sort of people. You will meet someone who is worth to be friends with sooner or later. And don't talk about that noone cares about you. There is always at least one person that would die if anything happened to you.

Arcaton · Post by **Arcaton** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 8:53 am

Yes DarkBlood, the bimbos get a lot of attention BUT.....it's the girl with personality that will attract a mate for life.
Dear Lord what a cliche!

It helps to relate on things other than Drips obsession.....when you get older it takes less prominence in a mans life beleive me. And a really pretty girl who *knows* she's pretty will probably like herself #1 above all so not make that good a partner.
- Now, who was itad a thing about cheerleaders?;)

[ This Message was edited by: Arcaton on 2002-04-11 09:54 ]

DJ Pirtu · Post by **DJ Pirtu** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 10:15 am

This all reminded me of a song. (Feel free to skip it if you don't want to read it. I don't mind.)

But lets let the song speak for itself.
Badding Rockers - Paha vaanii (Evil lurks):
Translation
Devil is lurking me behind every corner.
Where ever I go, a deceitful tongue whisperes.
Its eyes look at me from the bottom of the glass.
I see it smiling on the lips of a strange girl.

Devil is lurking me behind every corner.
Where ever I go, that feeling is around.
My luck is at stake here all the time.
If it doesn't come in, it waits at the door.

God, help me.
Keep me in order.
On the narrow road.
Away from the temptations.
God, help me.
Pull the hair, if you have to.
Keep the mind bright
and shirt clean.

That shadow alway hides away a part from the sun.
Even in to the most beatyful dream flies with its wings.
Today I walks smiling, but don't know the future.
You see, our game goes on one day at the time.

Devil is lurking me behind every corner.
Where ever I go, that feeling is around.
It's ready when I'm down.
Guess it's easyer to run away from the evil with the loved one.

God, help me...

I can live as I like as long as I stay alert.
It doesn't take anybody by force. All get to choose.
But it's sometimes hard to controll the mind.
Kamikaze pilot isn't rewarded with roses.

God, help me...

Well that took some time to write.

And edit. (I wrote original Finnish version next to it at the beginning, but it didn't look good:(
_________________
Balance.
Maybe it CAN be found.

[ This Message was edited by: DJ Pirtu on 2002-04-11 11:18 ]

[ This Message was edited by: DJ Pirtu on 2002-04-11 11:20 ]

[ This Message was edited by: DJ Pirtu on 2002-04-11 11:22 ]

Krikkit · Post by **Krikkit** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 10:31 am

Its great to hear you were able to bounce back, Michael. Anytime if you need something, I'll step up for ya.
Pleaseplease, try to remember the transitory nature of these feelings..I know once they come around, our logic is skewed, and we believe wrong things, but in the midst of all of it, tell yourself "it's a trick, I'll feel better soon." Being able to do that has helped me immensely.

Thaily · Post by **Thaily** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 11:51 am

Yeah, I'm late, sorry. :/

Dude, you're no coward. Suicide is the easy way out, or maybe I'm just telling myself that because I backed out of it myself. (Was about to do it the most stupid way thinkable too, slitting your wrists is a very painful way to go, and often doesn't do the trick, plus you risk severly damaged muscles and crippled hands if you survive, but hey, I wasn't even 12).

And all you guys who are commenting about what he said about his mother, get off yer high horses!!
Your mother and family might love you and care about you, but there's also mothers and families out there who only care to manipulating their children. You know nothing of his home situation, and unless you do, hush up!
Though it easier to annoy your family by living and becoming succesfull, more enjoyable too.
Take it from someone who knows, though I do the things I do for myself, it's still good to say "Hah! In your face!" every time I sell a picture.

You may have hit rock bottom yesterday, but that only means the only way to go is up. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your friends, I know they'll want to help. Or even see a professional, it's what they do.

There's still a lot of good shit to live for, like real friends, those unexplained and sudden attacks of contentment you might get if suddenly the sky clears up and the sun breaks through, those ten minutes of euphoria when you finish a drawing (until you find the first mistake, doh!), the next installment of Jack.

Above all, live for yourself, do the things that make you happy. It's not selfish, your friends want you to be happy too!
You can't be useful to anyone until you're happy yourself.

*gets off her soapbox*

Surtur · Post by **Surtur** » Thu Apr 11, 2002 1:20 pm

Hey Michael, hey everyone...
*whew* I'm glad things are a bit less intense now, so I can shove my nose in. I don't think i trust myself to say the right thing to a friend that's hit bottom. That was pretty much my role in high school, and I lived in constant fear of fucking up and having my friends go and off themselves. Why hang out with the fucked up kids? Well, first because I was one of them, and second, fucked up people are almost always more interesting than well adjusted people. To this day I'm only really comfortable around 'outsiders', whether they're goths, furries, gamers, or just too smart for their own good.

Anyways, the point is, Michael, you think you are pathetic? I contemplated suicide a lot in high school, but all I ever did was cut myself. Because I'm a FUCKING RETARD. I was so obsessed with being usefull, or important, or just a valid human being, that I would go into my x-acto funks if, like, one of my friends didn't see me say hello to them as we passed in the hall or on the street. And I had other, even lamer problem. I was on medication, and hated myself for it, so I'd go off it and get into more dangerous funks that required more meds. Ugh.

I'm not sure what changed, or when, but somewhere between senior year of highschool and first year college, I just sort of grew up, and stopped taking meds because I just didn't need them. Not in the sense that I became blind or numb to the valid existential problems of life, but I realised that some of the things I thought were earth-shatteringly important were only self-important delusions. So what if I can't build a house or write worth crap? I've got plenty of time. Meanwhile, I sort of decided to become a professional appreciator instead of worrying about what things of value I have ever contributed to this world.

Well that's all I gots to say. I'm not presuming to preach to you or anything just sort of recognizing a kindred spirit and doing a little unloading of my own.