Rough-Hewn Wisdom

[Redmenace5]

I used to think I was pretty smart, that I could do anything without no help from nobody nohow. Well, I'm older now and I see now how young and foolhardy I once was.

You know, if I knew then what I know now, I'd have known more than I knew. With that in mind, I'm starting this, the thread where all us old timers can dispense hard-won wisdom to the whipper snappers.

I'll start:

If your girlfriend's being all pissy, don't say "What is it, that time of the month?" Girls really, really hate this. Who knew?

Also, if your friend is in a community play and he invites you to the cast party and you go and you drink a lot and there's this guy who seems really inteested in all your ideas for movie scripts and he offers to get you another drink and your friend comes over to announce that he's leaving and the guy says, hey, you don't have to leave, you can spend the night, they've got extra beds, don't stay. Really. Just go. Trust me on this one. Don't even bother looking for your coat, just go.

Rats make good pets. Hamsters don't.

[ZOMBIE USER 3288]

If you're being vaguely hit on by an annoying girl who you don't like and has implied that you're gay for not liking her, and she walks behind you, slaps you on the back, giggles and says "you've got a big chalk handprint on your back" then gropes you pretending to wipe off the rest of the chalk, kick her in the face and and tell her you hate her. It'll save you so much time. In fact, if you kick her in the face and tell her you hate her when she implies that you're gay for not liking her, then you can save yourself even more time and effort.

[ZOMBIE USER 3288]

Wait, explain the second one.

[Redmenace5]

The basic take-away message is this: Don't pass out anywhere where you can reasonably expect to be assaulted in your sleep. I know, it's obvious but people never learn.

We actually did look for our coats but the principle still stands!


More Advice:

When you go to your senior prom and there's this chick with a really big tough angry boyfriend, don't hit on her until AFTER he's too drunk to know which way is up. Also, screw dancing, hang out at the buffet and get as much free crap as you can. It's free after all.

When you go off to college, never sign up for phone service with your name. Your roommates will never pay their share. Make sure that at least one of them is on board as co-signer for the account.

Don't trust a lawyer who isn't a drunk. All the honest lawyers are drunks.

Don't trust a reporter who's not a compulsive smoker. All the honorable reporters are compulsive smokers.

When a woman asks what your darkest fantasy is, don't tell her that one. Tell her the other one. The one that involves roses and champagne and crap. Not the one that involves decapitation and lemurs and electrical appliances.

Don't spit into the wind.

Don't tug on Superman's cape.

Don't whizz on the electric fence.

Don't eat the yellow snow.