This was written by my sister in one of her nine-page epic letters I get about twice a term.I think it's funny.
Inspired by Diana Wynne Jones's book of similar name.
OMT:Official Magical Terms, apparently.Or whatever.
Blackthorn:The Tough Guide
Anna(See Witches, Magic ,Travelling Companion and Brain Washing)
This young lady will be your constant companion on he Tour.She is black-haired, with eyes of varying colours.When they go blue (OMT:icy) watch out.Sort of a cut-price magical girl only with rather more talent and figure than most.She wears a strange Garment which appears to be made of a folded bedsheet and has no apparent purpose.You will never see her feet.Her (OMT:highly spirited and resourcefulpersonality)evil mood swings will cause her to argue frequently with others on the Tour and if possible to hit them over the head with something heavy.
Maulen(See Elves, Dark Elves,Sulking Sarcasm and Hitting People)
Another fairly constant Tour companion.Do not on any account believe anything about elves he tells you.It will all be(OMT:bullshit)and will very likely get you either killed or laughed at.Your will not only seee his Feet, but on occasion he will pose shirtless(OMT:fanservice)possibly to please the writer of Eversummer Eve.Never call him a bishounen.If this was a normal story he would be the Token Noble Member of the Dying Race, however he is currently escaping this by a)swearing too much and b)fighting dirty
Aro(See Guards, Long Spear Thingies,Soldier, Anna .Gormless and Katherine)
This is a rather boring tour companion, however you will feel nostalgic when he leaves the Tour.He will have blond hair and a small goatee(OMT:cute)If this member is persent on the Tour, expect problems from either Anna ,Maulen or both, both for entirely different reasons.If this was again a normal story, he's be the Serious Soldier who spends his time guearding the gates, finding small, interesting ways to pass the time, and attacking the hero singly about Chapter 12.
Simon (See Magic, Anna,Spirits and Skanky Sorceresses Monthly)
This will be a very interesting Tour companion.He will have longer hair than all the women of the cast and glasses which he will never look through.His talent for contacting spirits may be a problem, especially since the damn cat won't get off your lap and the dragon doesn't seem to DO anything.
Geoffrey:(See Singing,Annoyance,Pub,Money.Hard Copy and Obscene Limericks)
This Companion will turn up on most Tours.Within a bout a day you will regret it.A cross between Geoffrey Chaucer and the more annoying sort of pub poet.Always wears a pimp coat, priobably to make him look harder,The kind of bard who sings obsece songs in a bar for money,hits on the barmaids all night, gets into a fight when it turns out that one of the barmaids is engaged,and staggers off to bed at 4am with a sushi and banana pizza and a black eye, singing "Lydia The Tattooed Lady".Making friends with him will result in being woken up at 3am and asked for rhymes for "breasts".
Ther eis more.Oh yes, there is more.But it will have to wit untill the finger cramp has died down.