Laugh, damn you. -_-

[RevChris77]

Who are those cartoons by?

I don't remember. He draws them for VoyeurWeb, but the artist doesn't advertise that he does them, as his regular markets wouldn't like it. Every now and then somebody asks, and Igor says who does it.

[RevChris77]

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there really was no Heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.

The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."

"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.

"Well," said John, "I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"

"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Diablo, Colorado."

[RevChris77]

Who are those cartoons by?

I did some checking through VoyeurWeb's forum, and the artist is Jerry King, and he used to sign his cartoons, but then he started losing jobs from people who didn't like that he was associated with VoyeurWeb, so he stopped signing them, and didn't mention them in his portfolio.

The "official" answer from Igor (the guy who owns VoyeurWeb) is here.

[Primarch]

1220500630161.jpg (57.99 KiB) Viewed 3004 times

Time to join the navy

[Orwell]

That's terrible. I still laughed though.

1.
Situtation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet
Cause: Mouth is not open while drinking or glassbeing applied to the wrong part of face
Action: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique will perfect.

2.
Situation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear
Cause: Glass is empty
Action: Find someone who will buy another pint for you.

3.
Situation: Feet are cold and wet.
Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling.

4.
Situation: Feet are warm and wet.
Cause: Loss of the self control.
Action: Go and stand next to the nearest dog and after a while complain to it's owner about dog's lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation.

5.
Situation: Bar blurred.
Cause: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Action: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

6.
Situation: Bar is swaying.
Cause: Air turbulence unusually high... maybe due to darts match in progress.
Action: Insert a broom handle down back of the jacket.

7.
Situation: Bar is moving.
Cause: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked!

8.
Situation: You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has fluorescent light strip across it.
Cause: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm: stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.

9.
Situation: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog ends and teeth.
Cause: You have fallen over forwards.
Action: As for falling over backwards. See above.

10.
Situation: You have woken up to find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Cause: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Action: Check your watch to see is it opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

11.
Situation: Everything has gone dark.
Cause: The pub is closing.
Action: Panic!!

12.
Situtation: You wake up naked next to something marginally identifyable as human and you can't identify the room as yours
Cause: You picked up but not with someone you'd normally touch with a bargepole
Action: Carefully get out of bed and find your clothes and get out the door quickly and quietly as possible. Consult a GP as soon as possible

13.
Situation: You wake up because of a annoying beeping sound and you'll notice you are wired to something
Cause: You've been dumb and decided to drive yourself home
Action: Remember always to not to drink your wallet dry and save some for a Taxi

[Error of Logic]

A woman named Maude has been missing her husband, John; he passed away a few years ago. Never someone to let a little thing like death stop her, Maude has been visiting mediums and psychics, trying to get in touch with John -- and Elvis, but that's another story.

One day, Maude hits paydirt: the medium goes into a trance, breathes out ectoplasma, and weird voices sound in the shadows. Finally, a creaky, old and very familiar voice says: "Hello? Who's calling?"

"Oh, John!" Maude squeals. "Is it really you, hubby?"

"Yes, Maude," John sighs, "it's really me."

"Oh, John," Maude says tremulously. "It's been so long. Are you ... happy?"

"I am, actually," John replies after some thought. "Yes, rather happy."

"Are you happier than you were with me?" Maude asks, her voice becoming rather sharper all of a sudden.

"Yes, Maude," John replies cheerfully. "I'm much, much happier here than I ever was with you."

"Hmf, the nerve," Maude harrumphs. "Oh, well. So tell me, what's Heaven like?"

"How the here would I know, Maude?"

[RevChris77]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are new settlers in Brisbane, Australia. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic RM Williams boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots, and asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

[Orwell]

A Mathematician, a Physicist, and a Mechanical Engineer are involved in a study.

The Professor tells them that they will be placed in one corner of a room. At the opposite corner of the room is this beautiful naked horny woman.

"Each of you will be allowed to walk toward her but you can only go half the remaining distance every time you move."

"Mathematician, you are first."

The Mathematician refuses to even go in the room and explains that if he can only go half the remaining distance to the naked woman he would never get to her.

The Physicist, wanting to take a look at the naked woman, enters the room, takes a few measurements but comes out and basically agrees with the Mathematician -- by only going half the remaining distance you will never get there.

The Mechanical Engineer enters the room and comes out 45 minutes later, clothes disheveled, smirk on his face, buttoning up his pants. "oh boy she was great"

"Foul!" cried both the Mathematician and the Physicist. "By being restricted to only advancing half the remaining distance you would never get there"

"That is true", replied the Mechanical Engineer, "but soon you get close enough for all practical purposes."

[RevChris77]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together again. Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that . that is way more than those two things cost. It's almost like stealing. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now."

[WangyJohn]

A man had fallen ill and went to see the doctor. The doctor diagnosed him and subscribed a medicine that had to be taken as an suppository. He gave the man one and sent him home with a pack, one to be taken every day.

The next day the man asked her wife to give him one. The wife got behind him, put one hand on his shoulder, and shoved the suppository in. The man groaned.

"Sorry honey, did it hurt?" The wife asked.

"No, I just remembered that the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders" The man replied.

[RevChris77]

A cat goes up to a rooster and says, "I can do anything you can do!"

The rooster took the challenge and jumped over a broomstick.

The cat jumped over the broomstick and said, "See, I can do anything you can do!"

The rooster then went to a tiny brook, jumped/flew across and then asked the cat to do it.

The cat ran, jumped, and fell in the water.

The rooster had a great laugh as the cat got out of the water.

The moral of this story is: Wherever there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock.

[RevChris77]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor if it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. Amazingly, the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the milkman dead on the porch...

[RevChris77]

Why is semen white and urine yellow?

So a guy can tell whether he's cumming or going.

[Kittyboymuffin]

This. Just ... this: http://nerfnow.com/comic/67

[RevChris77]

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

[Aeridus]

*groans*

[Aeridus]

When websites party: http://www.cracked.com/article_15825_in ... ekend.html

[Kittyboymuffin]

Just got this in my email:

Normally I try to avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

Continental Can
Nationwide Water
ATCO Gas Company
Scott Tissue Company

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your Continental Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.

You may be interested to know that Scott Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

[RevChris77]

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

He beams and asks, "why?" She answers, "So I can get it enlarged"!

===================

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways... At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say "Yes, it was." The men would then ask, "Can I borrow that mule?" and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

[Xero]

plus one epic win to the Reverend