Laugh, damn you. -_-

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Postby WD on Sun Sep 02, 2007 11:56 pm

quick and easy...

What's 2.5 inches long and can satisfy any woman everytime?

A credit card.
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Postby WangyJohn on Mon Sep 03, 2007 6:28 am

Two men were in a bar. One of them says "I think the guy nextdoor is gay"

"How come"

"His dick tastes like shit".
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby WangyJohn on Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:07 am

Stop me if you think you've heard this one before.

A family walks into a talent agent. The father steps up and speaks "Do we have a show for you!"

The agent glances at them and says "I'm sorry, but there aren't that many openings for family shows these days, it's mostly either well established acts or magicians"

"Ah, but you haven't seen our show!" The dad says filled with glee.

The dad then threw off his clothes. The family follows suit. The father then smacks his wife in the face with his three wedding rings, and then starts having sex with her teenaged daughter. Meanwhile, the wife starts fellating the fathers brother, a married man.

The son takes a bag of white powder and starts shooting it up his nose. He then bends over to offer his behind to his uncle, as his mother goes away to sniff rest of the cocaine.

The father then smacks the daugther aside, and makes the son fellate him. As the brothers do a high-five over the son, the mother takes pictures, and posts them on the internet. The daughter preforms a mock-up lesbian marriage with a black girl. The family casts her out, as the father and uncle ejaculate on the son.

The talent agent looks at them, his jaw dropped. "What do you call this act?"

"THE REPUBLICANS!"
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby Kittyboymuffin on Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:34 am

*scampers off. Returns, bringing in a drumkit piece by piece. Assembles drumkit, checks everything twice. Looks around, then baps self and scampers off, returning with drumsticks. Checks everything twice again. Stands behind drumkit.*

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Postby Churba on Tue Sep 04, 2007 1:43 am

What's Large, hairy, Agressive, lives in the forest, and has a long green Cock?


A Cucum-bear.
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Postby RevChris77 on Tue Sep 04, 2007 5:36 am

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
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Postby RevChris77 on Wed Sep 05, 2007 4:48 am

A man receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the corner of the stadium - he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man replies no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."


==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==


A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
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Postby RavenxDrake on Wed Sep 05, 2007 11:49 am

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis.

LADDER! I meant LADDER!

***

A man is walking out in the fields of Scotland on vacation. It's lovely there, and he's just admiring the scenery. He hears grunting and moaning and looks over to see a man banging a sheep. Mortified, he dosen't know what to say, and the farmer banging the sheep just looks at him and keeps going. At a loss for what to say, the man just utters "...So, uh... back home we used to shear those." To which the farmer replies "Bloody 'ell, I'm not shearing this with anybody!"

***

Fellow walks into a bar in Ireland, and he tells the bartender "I want a drink, but I'm stone broke."

"Then you get nothing," replies the bardenter. The man thinks for a minute, and says "Say, sure'an if I could show ya something you've never seen before, It'd be worth a free drink." "Ha!" the bartender replied, "I've been eveywhere and done everthing. If you can show me something I've never seen before, I'll give ya a weekend of free drinks". Smiling, the first man reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny man in a tuxedo, only a foot high! The bartender, thinking it's a doll, is surprised to see this tiny man walk down the bar, and grab up a peanut and start eating it.

"But that's brilliant!" the bartender says. "That's nothing," replies the man, "Watch this!". So saying, he pulls a tiny piano from his pocket. The little man runs over, sits down, and starts playing. Imediately, the most beautiful, haunting classical piano music fills the bar. Everyone is stunned. The bartender hands the man a bottle of his finest whiskey and says, "Drink up, lad! You've earned it! But tell me, please... where did you ever find somethign like this?" "Well," the man replied, "It all started several years ago. I was walking the seashore near me home, when I found a beautiful glass jar. Opening the jar, a wee fairie did emerge! In return for freeing her, she granted me a wish.... but it seems she was a bit hard of hearing."

"What makes you think that?" The bartender says.

"Well," the man replies, "How else do you think I wound up with a 12 inch pianist?"
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Think the Unthinkable,
Do the Undoable,
"F" the Ineffable,
And Unscrew the Inscrutable.
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Postby Pyretimeth on Wed Sep 05, 2007 2:24 pm

Little Johnny came home from school one day and saw his grandpa on the front porch smoking a cigar. Curious, Johnny asks if he can have one.

"I don't know young man, can your dick touch your asshole?" the grandfather asks.

"No, it can't," Johnny replies.

"Then you're not old enough for this," his grandpa says.

The next day, Johnny comes home from school and sees his grandpa on the front porch drinking a beer. Curious, Johnny asks if he can have one.

"Can your dick touch your asshole yet?" the grandfather asks again.

"No, it can't," Johnny replies.

"Then you're not old enough for this," his grandpa says.

The next evening, the grandpa comes out to the front porch, and sees Johnny eating a plate of cookies.

"Well Johnny, those cookies look mighty tasty. I think I'll have one," the grandpa says.

"Well grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny asks?

"Why yes. Yes, it can," his grandpa proudly states.

"Then you can fuck yourself," Johnny calmly replies. "Grandma made these cookies for me.
Oppenheimer, watching the blast, is reputed to have said, "I have become death, destroyer of worlds," misquoting the Bhagavad Gita. Dr. Kenneth Bainbridge, director of the test, was less poetic, or perhaps more so. On seeing the might of the explosion, he commented, "Now we are all sons-of-bitches."
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Postby RevChris77 on Thu Sep 06, 2007 5:09 am

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.Leo people are thieving and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer.Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
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Postby WangyJohn on Thu Sep 06, 2007 6:08 am

RevChris77 wrote:Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer.Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.


It's all true.
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby Aeridus on Thu Sep 06, 2007 6:14 am

That reminds me of one of our campus's newspapers:
http://www.expulsion.org/archive/index. ... 42&issue=1

They make up the most hilarious horoscopes. XD

And they also have an occasional column called Sexpulsion.
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Postby BriHahn on Thu Sep 06, 2007 2:45 pm

WangyJohn wrote:
RevChris77 wrote:Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer.Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.


It's all true.


I'm a Libra. And as I have yet to lose my very lucrative job (and no, it's not prostitution) and have yet to have even so much a mild case of any STD, I think I can safely say it ain't. :P *giggles*
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons... for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
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Postby Kittyboymuffin on Thu Sep 06, 2007 4:34 pm

The Onion wrote:"Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies."
A catboy is fine too. And I dancedancedance and I dancedancedance!

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Postby RevChris77 on Thu Sep 06, 2007 5:41 pm

WEIRD AL YANKOVIC LYRICS

"Your Horoscope For Today"

Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today



[Thanks to svante_arrhenius@hotmail.com, philblackbelt@comcast.net, notadrummer03@yahoo.com for correcting these lyrics]

[ http://www.azlyrics.com ]
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Postby RevChris77 on Fri Sep 07, 2007 4:54 am

Ways to reject pick-up lines

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too.

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator.

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"

A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?"
His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!"

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
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Postby Kittyboymuffin on Fri Sep 07, 2007 7:55 am

RevChris77 wrote:Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
That one's my favorite. XD
A catboy is fine too. And I dancedancedance and I dancedancedance!

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Postby Aeridus on Fri Sep 07, 2007 8:46 am

Kittyboymuffin wrote:
RevChris77 wrote:Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
That one's my favorite. XD

Mine too. XD
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Postby Xero on Fri Sep 07, 2007 7:43 pm

from chatlog wrote:[20:16] shon: you know weird sites my friend.
[20:17] Shin: you couldn't tell what it was from the url :P
[20:17] Shin: I coulda put on something like http://eunuch.org
[20:17] shon: oh, you could. lol
[20:20] shon: I'm so not clicking that one.
[20:27] Shin: law
[20:27] Shin: pansy
[20:28] shon: wtf is it anyways?
[20:28] Shin: a link?
[20:28] shon: to?
[20:28] Shin: not sure if its even real
[20:28] Shin: I just typed something
[20:29] shon: If you are offended by adult material about castration,
[20:29] Shin: LOL
[20:29] shon: yes, I am offended. *clicks out*
[20:30] Shin: ok thats epic
[20:30] Shin: random URLs FTW
[20:30] shon: lol

names have been changed
Platinumyo wrote:Can someone unban me?
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Postby Swordsman3003 on Sat Sep 08, 2007 6:54 am

Sadly, I went to that site a long, long time ago.
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