Pure Genius

LeftTentacleGreen · Post by **LeftTentacleGreen** » Sat May 12, 2007 9:03 am

Saw this on the message boards on RichardDawkins.net. Just had to share.

FedUpWithFaith wrote: I don't have a personal religion. But if I did it would probably involve worshipping my penis. My penis is always there for me and gives me more pleasure than Jesus ever could. It is capable of seemingly miraculous changes in size, shape, and color and performs two completely unique functions! It always wakes up before I do, having often pleasantly influenced my dreams as I slept rather than scaring me with threats of hellfire like Yahweh.

My penis can read my mind and I never need to speak aloud to it like God. And my penis has a mind of its own and often gives me useful silent suggestions or commandments to obey. I usually follow my penis, like most men. It demands my worship but threatens no punishments when I fall short of its expectations, and so far, it rarely falls short of mine. Its rewards are heavenly and bountiful. As long as I use my reason, it seldom leads me astray, unlike blind faith. I trust my penis and it seems to trust me.

I have never witnessed God create anything. But I know my penis helped create two fine boys now coming of age to obey their own lord and master - their penis. I feel blessed that my wife has always respected my penis and is attentive to it. She also seems awed by it's miraculous powers to provide pleasure in her holey cathedrals of worship. She may pray to it in different ways than I do, but at its essence, my penis is love. For me, this is yet greater testimony to the spiritual power of my penis. My penis is my god.

Amen

P.S. God is unworthy of the love I have for my penis.

Lowky · Post by **Lowky** » Sat May 12, 2007 9:07 am

I worship my penis, so it makes sense to me.

Lulujayne · Post by **Lulujayne** » Sat May 12, 2007 8:43 pm

I prefer it when the penis worships me, but I guess I could bow down before it if the mood took me

Lowky · Post by **Lowky** » Sat May 12, 2007 9:43 pm

Lulujayne wrote:I prefer it when the penis worships me, but I guess I could bow down before it if the mood took me

Don't worry Lulu we all worship you.

Lulujayne · Post by **Lulujayne** » Sat May 12, 2007 11:39 pm

Well, in that case, on your knees dearheart...

Kittyboymuffin · Post by **Kittyboymuffin** » Sun May 13, 2007 8:37 am

*gets on his knees in front of Lulu. Purrs, which makes his tongue vibrate* ^^

Aeridus · Post by **Aeridus** » Sun May 13, 2007 1:35 pm

The wonderful thing about penii, is penii are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!

Nithos · Post by **Nithos** » Tue May 15, 2007 10:37 pm

God and my penis both lead me astry more often than I care to allow, so I reject the worship of either... but I'm fine with others worshipping as they please. Especially if they worship my penis.

TheCrush · Post by **TheCrush** » Tue May 15, 2007 10:54 pm

I'm a dystheist, pandeist/panentheist/transtheist, polytheist, gnostic, quasi-hermetic, newagey-pagan... And I still believe that the only true deity is the one found when you come.

... I read entirely too much into this.

Kittyboymuffin · Post by **Kittyboymuffin** » Wed May 16, 2007 8:02 am

I'm a Discordian. There's only two rules that I really follow: 1. Never take things seriously, 2. No eating hot dogs, except on Friday's when it's mandatory (and also since every man, woman, and child (and presumably everything in between) on this earth is a Pope -- whether they follow Discordianism or not -- I can declare it Friday or Not-Friday as needed). ^^

FIVE TONS OF FLAX!

fnord

Lictor · Post by **Lictor** » Wed May 16, 2007 2:48 pm

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick.
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

Thankyou very much.

RavenxDrake · Post by **RavenxDrake** » Wed May 16, 2007 3:30 pm

Dear Penis...

Aeridus · Post by **Aeridus** » Wed May 16, 2007 5:27 pm

Awesome.

I like the frightened look on the penis at that one point.

Fnyunj · Post by **Fnyunj** » Wed May 16, 2007 5:36 pm

Anytime you rise, I'm here,
And I'm crazy for you pink thing.
You make me want to laugh,
You make me want to cry,
When I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high,
Pink thing.

I want to take you out and show you round the world,
Pink thing it'll be OK.
If I could only wake you from your slumber curled,
Pink thing what would straight folks say?

That man isn't fit to enter heaven.
That man is a sinner,
Ever burning in disgrace.
Pink thing, spit in my face,
I'd love you for it.

Anytime you call, I'll fall,
Into madness for you pink thing.
You make me want to live.
You make me want to die.
And when I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high,
Pink thing.

I want to take you out and show you to the girls,
Pink thing they're a whole new tribe.
If you could only see the way the way the gingham swirls,
Pink thing it's a whole new vibe.

That man isn't fit to be a father.
That man is a sinner,
'Fore they cast me down to die,
Pink thing, spit in my eye,
I'd love you for it.
Yes, I'd love you for it.

Anytime you rise, I'm here,
And I'm crazy for you pink thing.
You make me want to laugh,
You make me want to cry,
When I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high,
Pink thing.
Hundred heartbeats high,
Pink thing.
Hundred heartbeats high.

I want to introduce you,
Take you to the brink thing.
I want to introduce you,
Tell me what you think thing. I want to introduce you,
Make that missing link thing.
Don't you think it's time you met some female pink thing?

You make me want to laugh,
You make me want to cry,
So why is it I'm happy when there's tears down in your eye?

Little pink thing.

Churba · Post by **Churba** » Thu May 17, 2007 3:28 am

*Strums Guitar to the tune of "only wanna be with you" *

Little me..
My nuts are small as pearls
You like to laugh me
Cuz I’m hung just like a squirrel.

Sometimes it bugs me,
I’m not a bigger guy.
When I was a baby
It was exactly the same size.

But there’s nothing I can do.
I’ve only got three inch tool.

Come home with me
Have a cocktail at my place
I’ve got to tell you
Before we get past second base

In my pants,
Ain’t no big shwing.
But if you can find him,
He’s a friendly little thing.

But there’s nothing I can do.
I’ve only got three inch tool.
When I’m coming outta the pool,
I’ve only got a one inch tool.

Sometimes I wonder
If it’ll ever extend
I get embarrassed when I’m hanging with my friends

They like to razz me
I don’t know why
But get me a happy-meal
And super-size my fry.

But there’s nothing I can do.
I’ve only got three inch tool.
When I’m coming outta the pool,
I’ve only got a one inch tool.
It’s small but it’s real cool
I’m happy with my 3 inch tool.