D&D Tech Support

[Tom the Fanboy]

This is the chat log I posted to my Livejournal last night (tee_moss) and I thought you guys would appreciate some of these gags too. Ryan is in the tech department and Becca and I work in Customer Service.

Some of you are bound to work in a call center after all.

Tom: [fellow employee], AOO agent and now a floor walker is a D&D gamer.
Tom: I've seen books at his desk and heard him talking game stuff with his neighbors over there.
Tom: The true eveidence though is that he just called a customer a character when talking to an agent.
Rare Black-Winged Becca: Hahah!
Rare Black-Winged Becca: "I've got some 2nd-level wizard on the phone and he wants to buy a Metamagic feat. I've told him three times now he isn't eligible... but now he wants to talk to my deity. <sigh>"
Tom: "This is the Waterdeep Mage Guild Customer Service, what brings you to scry on us today?"
Tom: "Dammit, that's the third rogue that's gotten through to TS without an account BP! They keep assigning their Dodge to the front agents"
Rare Black-Winged Becca: "Oh not again, they've given him an upgrade +3 Sword instead of a full version."
Rare Black-Winged Becca: "Now it won't let him kill any goblins until he's got the +2 Scabbard, but he never bought it...
Rare Black-Winged Becca: "I need approval to do a Free of Charge Decapitation for this barbarian. His Great Cleave feat got lost in the mail."
Tom: "Sir I can't give you th power word for your tome, I can only give the power word for rods our guild manufactured"
Rare Black-Winged Becca: Win!
Rare Black-Winged Becca: <evil cackling>
Tom: "The Staff of PDF creation only has 5 charges, if you'd like we can give you unlimited charges for 10 gold a month."
Tom: "I understand that you used our wand of summoning to get your items in the past. Just because our wand ran out of charges doesn't mean your items are gone, you just have to look for them in your bag of holding. They've just been enchanted to respond to our wand.
Tom: I'm imagining Ryan getting calls from people demanding that he undo something they did with a Rod of Wonder.
Tom: "Your guild is criminally negligent and I am casting a Message to the magister this instant if you do not dispel these 10,000 butterflies!"
Ryan: lol
Tom: "Sir the butterflies created by a Rod of Wonder are not summoned creatures, they are permanent and not subject to dispelling, antimagic, or countercspelling. Whomever activated the rod is responsible for their use and disposal. It's all written in the End Caster License Scroll."
Tom: "Oh please! Nobody reads Draconic anymore!"
Ryan: "Your wand of fireballs destroyed everything in the room!" sir, how big was the room in question? "20x7..." ah yes, well sir, the spell radius is 20 feet, and says so in the spell description. "But it was supposed to be a flat disc, and not expand to floor and ceiling.... *whine*" Well, it does specify that the are of effect is a spread sir. I'm sorry if you misunderstood the specs...
Tom: Hahaha!
Tom: "None of the pictures in youre manual show a vertical effect!"
Tom: "I want to return the Holy Avenger I bought last year."
Tom: "I'm sorry, we have a one fortnight return policy."
Tom: "Nay! I Demand a refund! It's not my fault it took me a year to get back from my quest! I travelled all the way to the 4th plevel of the Abyss and I couldn't slay the Demon Lord Belshazek with the sword YOUR company said was for demon slaying."
Tom: "What level are you sir?"
Tom: "I'm 3rd level"
Tom: "And what class sir?"
Tom: "I'm a fighter, lisen I HAVE all the feats to wield the sword so don't-"
Tom: "Sir in order to take full advantage of the Holy Avenger's Demon Slaying offer you must have at least five levels in Paladin."
Tom: "but-"
Tom: "And my supervisors have advised me that any quests that result in failure due to malfunction in our Magical Arms and Armour require a receipt for the material components used to ressurect you after said failed quest."
Tom: "I got a true res by Silovanus. They don't give receipts because they worship trees."
Tom: "Oooh, if you got a True Res does that mean you were brought back with just the standard white robe?"
Tom: "Yes."
Tom: "Ah, well that's another problem. Even if we were to allow this return, your item is over 1,000gp in value and that would require you to actually ship the product back to us."
Tom: ".....Well I can see you're lawful evil. Let me speak to your archmage."
Ryan: lol
Tom: I want to write a bit about silver and cold iron being like Mac and windows. Cross Metallurgy Orders being placed for people whose party quartermaster confused demons and devils.
Tom: No time right now though, back to work.

[Narf the Mouse]

One good joke deserves another. This one, I got from the Hero Games forum:

Susano Susano is offline
Esper Weapon

Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Neo York, United North America
Age: 39
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Abbott and Costello in the 21st Century
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.

[JmcV]

heh...the "your wand of fireballs destoryed everything in the room" comment reminds me of one of my favorite moments from a tabletop campaign...


"what do you MEAN, the fireball killed all the women and children, too? the blast was only supposed to be half that size!!"

"ryan...you realize there's a difference between radius and circumference, right?"

"oh...crap....."

"it's also worth noting that the women and children were in the CENTER of the valley you just threw that fireball in to...not out at the edges..."

"well shouldn't they get some kind of resistance to fire damage? i mean they are giants, right? they're tough..."

"ryan...first of all, if the women and children had resistance to fire damage, then so would the warriors you were trying to kill, so they would ALL have survived. and second of all...they're FROST GIANTS!!!"

"oh right...."