Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

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Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Silentmagi on Fri May 30, 2008 8:26 pm

This is a list made up by us of the various things that Alucard is not allowed to do, ever. Feel free to add in your suggestions.

Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do:

1: Alucard is not allowed to volunteer at a blood bank.
2: Alucard is forbidden from going to hospitals, ever.
2a: Exceptions will be made if in pursuit of a target who flees into a hospital, but only to get the target.
3: Alucard is not allowed to bring up stories of Integra's bed wetting phase.
4: Alucard is not allowed to bring up stories of Arthur Hellsing's dalliances.
5: Alucard is not allowed to ever mention 'The Flossing Incident' around Walter or Integra again.
6: Alucard is not allowed to use his 'girlycard' form for the following purposes: fishing for pedophiles, lolikons, candy sellers, ice cream servers, teachers, police, or other people, getting into movies for discounted prices, claiming to be Integra's younger sister at sleepovers, flirting with people.
7: Alucard is not allowed to use his familiars to increase votes in his favor, hold long conversations, or to freak out the familiar's surviving families.
8: Alucard is forbidden from playing Russian roulette with non-vampires.
9: Alucard will never be allowed to use his spawn to blow down doors for dramatic effect.
10: Alucard is not allowed to train the soldiers without Integra's or Walter's direct supervision.
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Chaos Priest on Sat May 31, 2008 6:27 am

11: Alucard is not allowed to lick himself in public.
12: Even in dog form.
13: Alucard cannot under any circumstances climb an the furniture while in dog form.
14: Alucard does not talk about Fight Club.
15: Alucard cannot participate in Fight Club either.
16: Alucard is strictly forbidden from entering Integra's personal chambers between the hours of 4-6 AM unless in the case of a dire emergency.
17: Alucard is not to question why he is strictly forbidden from entering Integra's personal chambers between the hours of 4-6 AM unless in the case of a dire emergency.
18: Alucard is no longer allowed to rant about Bela Lugosi's acting.
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Silentmagi on Sat May 31, 2008 6:50 am

19: Alucard is no longer allowed to deal with the Acme agents that mistake him for Carmen Sandiego.
20: Alucard is no longer allowed to use familiars in poker tournaments, especially the Dandy.
21: Alucard is NOT the Candy Man, and he is forbidden to take you to bounty land.
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Chaos Priest on Sat May 31, 2008 9:31 am

22: Alucard is reminded that he cannot change Hellsing policy by switching to his Girlycard form and giving Integra puppy eyes.
23: Should he try this anyway, he is reminded that giving somebody puppy eyes does not, in fact, involve at any point removing a puppy's eyes.
24: Alucard is not allowed to have a pet rabbit.
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Athos on Sat May 31, 2008 7:36 pm

25. Alucard is not allowed to cook breakfast. Even if black pudding is on the menu.
26. Under no circumstances is Alucard to be allowed to lead tour groups. Anywhere.
27. Alucard is not to be allowed access to the company chequebook. This particularly applies if a certain castle in Romania is on the market.
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Frey on Mon Jun 02, 2008 8:39 pm

28. Alucard is forbidden from challenging Chuck Norris.
29. Alucard cannot throw parties in Hellsing manor unless approved and supervised by Hellsing.
30. Alucard is not allowed to commit lewd acts at his own free-will (exceptions are possible though) unless to terrify and defeat his foes.
31. Alucard is prohibited from blackmailing Integra.
Last edited by Frey on Thu Jun 05, 2008 10:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Shadowfax272 on Mon Jun 02, 2008 8:43 pm

Frey wrote:30. Alucard is not allowed to commit lewd acts at his own free-will unless to terrify and defeat his foes.

Mental image: Alucard strip-teasing.
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby SailorPtah on Mon Jun 02, 2008 10:02 pm

Frey wrote:28. Alucard is forbidden from challenging Chuck Norris.

XD
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Abadon XXX on Thu Jun 05, 2008 10:16 pm

32. Alucard is not allowed to impersonate the following people to get blood: jehova's witness, pizza delivery boy/girl, cable guy/girl, plumber, girl scout, express delivery mail boy/girl, courier
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Mars on Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:56 pm

33. After that incident with the BPRD, Alucard is no longer allowed to go to the United States unless it is a dire emergency.
Finally, I remember to do a signature! Oh the wonder! Oh the happiness! ... I don't even have a snappy remark to make.

D: I am in DESPAIR! The lack of a snappy remark for my signature has left me in despair!

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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Kreiga on Wed Dec 17, 2008 12:06 am

Alucard is forbidden from visiting the home of one Stephanie Meyer, however much she may deserve it.
As far as tactics are concerned, I recommend cheating.
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Chickenperson on Fri Dec 19, 2008 7:42 pm

35. Alucard is forbidden from entering the Twilight 'verse without direct supervision. No matter how much the Mary-Sue cast of Twilight might deserve it, he cannot make Edward into the world's first living lawn ornament: Meyerpire-on-a-stick.
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Incognito: *creepy voice* I'm going to violate every part of your being.

Integral:..with what?

http://community.livejournal.com/hellsing/1280473.html Click here for the first ever SchrodingerxIncognito fic.
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Atticusblackwolf on Sat Dec 20, 2008 3:14 pm

36: Purchase large ammounts of body glitter and use it to attract Twilight fans
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Brynnie-chan on Mon Feb 02, 2009 1:31 pm

Silentmagi wrote:21: Alucard is NOT the Candy Man, and he is forbidden to take you to bounty land.


O___O

Holy shite. When did my secret fantasies set to music start worming their way onto the Internet?

Anyways.

37. Alucard is forbidden to visit the houses of the following actors: Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Stuart Townsend, Kate Beckinsale, Christopher Lee, Gary Oldman, Robert Pattinson, Phil laMarr, Leslie Nielsen, Richard Roxburgh, Gerard Butler, Frank Langella...
38. Alucard is forbidden to visit a certain anime universe about ninjas completely unrelated to the plot of Hellsing. This is partly because of the fact that none of those characters have ever seen a gun, and partly because of this drawing.
39. Alucard is not allowed to hunt out the fangirls on DeviantART who turn him into a chibi.
40. Alucard is not allowed to visit the home of Anne Rice, even if he does just want to have a polite conversation with her praising her work.
41. Alucard is not allowed to bring Final Fantasy VII into the Hellsing manor.
41a. And he is especially not allowed to play it in front of Sir Integra.
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I'm gonna have a drink, then walk around
I got a lot to think about
Oh yeah...
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Silentmagi on Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:04 pm

42. Alucard is not allowed to play any video games other than things safe for children.
43. Alucard is not allowed to play any music between the hours of 3 AM and sunrise.
44. Alucard is not allowed to teach Ceras Victoria to shoot Pip in the crotch.
44a. Alucard is not allowed to hunt down and maim Pip for making advances on Seras.
44b. Alucard is not allowed to use thralls to hunt down and maim Pip for making advances on Seras.
44c. Alucard is not allowed to stalk Pip and Seras any time they are alone together.
45. Alucard is not allowed to give Integra puppy eyes when asking for something.
45a. ESPECIALLY if they're not his.
45b. and ABSOLUTELY NOT if they're out of said puppy.
46. Alucard is not allowed to search the web without Walter or Integra present.
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Chaos Priest on Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:25 pm

I, uh, hate to tell you this, but...
Silentmagi wrote:45. Alucard is not allowed to give Integra puppy eyes when asking for something.
45a. ESPECIALLY if they're not his.
45b. and ABSOLUTELY NOT if they're out of said puppy.

I wrote:22: Alucard is reminded that he cannot change Hellsing policy by switching to his Girlycard form and giving Integra puppy eyes.
23: Should he try this anyway, he is reminded that giving somebody puppy eyes does not, in fact, involve at any point removing a puppy's eyes.

That being said, Rule #46 is a very good idea.
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Re: Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

Postby Silentmagi on Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:54 pm

Chaos Priest wrote:I, uh, hate to tell you this, but...
Silentmagi wrote:45. Alucard is not allowed to give Integra puppy eyes when asking for something.
45a. ESPECIALLY if they're not his.
45b. and ABSOLUTELY NOT if they're out of said puppy.

I wrote:22: Alucard is reminded that he cannot change Hellsing policy by switching to his Girlycard form and giving Integra puppy eyes.
23: Should he try this anyway, he is reminded that giving somebody puppy eyes does not, in fact, involve at any point removing a puppy's eyes.

That being said, Rule #46 is a very good idea.

Uhh... expansion of the rule due to it coming later...
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