Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do

[Silentmagi]

This is a list made up by us of the various things that Alucard is not allowed to do, ever. Feel free to add in your suggestions.

Things Alucard is NOT Allowed to Do:

1: Alucard is not allowed to volunteer at a blood bank.
2: Alucard is forbidden from going to hospitals, ever.
2a: Exceptions will be made if in pursuit of a target who flees into a hospital, but only to get the target.
3: Alucard is not allowed to bring up stories of Integra's bed wetting phase.
4: Alucard is not allowed to bring up stories of Arthur Hellsing's dalliances.
5: Alucard is not allowed to ever mention 'The Flossing Incident' around Walter or Integra again.
6: Alucard is not allowed to use his 'girlycard' form for the following purposes: fishing for pedophiles, lolikons, candy sellers, ice cream servers, teachers, police, or other people, getting into movies for discounted prices, claiming to be Integra's younger sister at sleepovers, flirting with people.
7: Alucard is not allowed to use his familiars to increase votes in his favor, hold long conversations, or to freak out the familiar's surviving families.
8: Alucard is forbidden from playing Russian roulette with non-vampires.
9: Alucard will never be allowed to use his spawn to blow down doors for dramatic effect.
10: Alucard is not allowed to train the soldiers without Integra's or Walter's direct supervision.

[Chaos Priest]

11: Alucard is not allowed to lick himself in public.
12: Even in dog form.
13: Alucard cannot under any circumstances climb an the furniture while in dog form.
14: Alucard does not talk about Fight Club.
15: Alucard cannot participate in Fight Club either.
16: Alucard is strictly forbidden from entering Integra's personal chambers between the hours of 4-6 AM unless in the case of a dire emergency.
17: Alucard is not to question why he is strictly forbidden from entering Integra's personal chambers between the hours of 4-6 AM unless in the case of a dire emergency.
18: Alucard is no longer allowed to rant about Bela Lugosi's acting.

[Silentmagi]

19: Alucard is no longer allowed to deal with the Acme agents that mistake him for Carmen Sandiego.
20: Alucard is no longer allowed to use familiars in poker tournaments, especially the Dandy.
21: Alucard is NOT the Candy Man, and he is forbidden to take you to bounty land.

[Chaos Priest]

22: Alucard is reminded that he cannot change Hellsing policy by switching to his Girlycard form and giving Integra puppy eyes.
23: Should he try this anyway, he is reminded that giving somebody puppy eyes does not, in fact, involve at any point removing a puppy's eyes.
24: Alucard is not allowed to have a pet rabbit.

[Athos]

25. Alucard is not allowed to cook breakfast. Even if black pudding is on the menu.
26. Under no circumstances is Alucard to be allowed to lead tour groups. Anywhere.
27. Alucard is not to be allowed access to the company chequebook. This particularly applies if a certain castle in Romania is on the market.

[Frey]

28. Alucard is forbidden from challenging Chuck Norris.
29. Alucard cannot throw parties in Hellsing manor unless approved and supervised by Hellsing.
30. Alucard is not allowed to commit lewd acts at his own free-will (exceptions are possible though) unless to terrify and defeat his foes.
31. Alucard is prohibited from blackmailing Integra.

[Shadowfax272]

30. Alucard is not allowed to commit lewd acts at his own free-will unless to terrify and defeat his foes.

Mental image: Alucard strip-teasing.

[SailorPtah]

28. Alucard is forbidden from challenging Chuck Norris.

[Abadon XXX]

32. Alucard is not allowed to impersonate the following people to get blood: jehova's witness, pizza delivery boy/girl, cable guy/girl, plumber, girl scout, express delivery mail boy/girl, courier

[Mars]

33. After that incident with the BPRD, Alucard is no longer allowed to go to the United States unless it is a dire emergency.

[Kreiga]

Alucard is forbidden from visiting the home of one Stephanie Meyer, however much she may deserve it.

[Chickenperson]

35. Alucard is forbidden from entering the Twilight 'verse without direct supervision. No matter how much the Mary-Sue cast of Twilight might deserve it, he cannot make Edward into the world's first living lawn ornament: Meyerpire-on-a-stick.

[Atticusblackwolf]

36: Purchase large ammounts of body glitter and use it to attract Twilight fans

[Brynnie-chan]

21: Alucard is NOT the Candy Man, and he is forbidden to take you to bounty land.

O___O

Holy shite. When did my secret fantasies set to music start worming their way onto the Internet?

Anyways.

37. Alucard is forbidden to visit the houses of the following actors: Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Stuart Townsend, Kate Beckinsale, Christopher Lee, Gary Oldman, Robert Pattinson, Phil laMarr, Leslie Nielsen, Richard Roxburgh, Gerard Butler, Frank Langella...
38. Alucard is forbidden to visit a certain anime universe about ninjas completely unrelated to the plot of Hellsing. This is partly because of the fact that none of those characters have ever seen a gun, and partly because of this drawing.
39. Alucard is not allowed to hunt out the fangirls on DeviantART who turn him into a chibi.
40. Alucard is not allowed to visit the home of Anne Rice, even if he does just want to have a polite conversation with her praising her work.
41. Alucard is not allowed to bring Final Fantasy VII into the Hellsing manor.
41a. And he is especially not allowed to play it in front of Sir Integra.

[Silentmagi]

42. Alucard is not allowed to play any video games other than things safe for children.
43. Alucard is not allowed to play any music between the hours of 3 AM and sunrise.
44. Alucard is not allowed to teach Ceras Victoria to shoot Pip in the crotch.
44a. Alucard is not allowed to hunt down and maim Pip for making advances on Seras.
44b. Alucard is not allowed to use thralls to hunt down and maim Pip for making advances on Seras.
44c. Alucard is not allowed to stalk Pip and Seras any time they are alone together.
45. Alucard is not allowed to give Integra puppy eyes when asking for something.
45a. ESPECIALLY if they're not his.
45b. and ABSOLUTELY NOT if they're out of said puppy.
46. Alucard is not allowed to search the web without Walter or Integra present.

[Chaos Priest]

I, uh, hate to tell you this, but...

45. Alucard is not allowed to give Integra puppy eyes when asking for something.
45a. ESPECIALLY if they're not his.
45b. and ABSOLUTELY NOT if they're out of said puppy.

22: Alucard is reminded that he cannot change Hellsing policy by switching to his Girlycard form and giving Integra puppy eyes.
23: Should he try this anyway, he is reminded that giving somebody puppy eyes does not, in fact, involve at any point removing a puppy's eyes.

That being said, Rule #46 is a very good idea.

[Silentmagi]

I, uh, hate to tell you this, but...

45. Alucard is not allowed to give Integra puppy eyes when asking for something.
45a. ESPECIALLY if they're not his.
45b. and ABSOLUTELY NOT if they're out of said puppy.

22: Alucard is reminded that he cannot change Hellsing policy by switching to his Girlycard form and giving Integra puppy eyes.
23: Should he try this anyway, he is reminded that giving somebody puppy eyes does not, in fact, involve at any point removing a puppy's eyes.

That being said, Rule #46 is a very good idea.

Uhh... expansion of the rule due to it coming later...