As for me, I feel a little silly coming out with this, especially with Pravus' delicate situation (be strong), but I don't really know who else to talk to. The few people that I am close to I try not to worry, but the truth of the matter is that I've been battling with suicidal tendencies for almost four years now, and I feel like I might be finally losing that battle. For the longest time, I managed by pretending that none of it mattered, that either way I could deal with it. Like Matt Damon in the Departed says, "I can handle something being wrong for the rest of my life." I suppose it might help to know where I'm coming from.
I am glad you posted this. I have suffered from depression since late childhood and tried so many things to deal with it. I tried religion, self-help books, meditation, therapy, support groups, and diet. Each of these helped to a greater or lesser extent, with the exception of religion, which in one case made my depression worse.
I reached a point where my job was in jeopardy because I kept having angry outbursts, a common symptom of depression. I had been recommended medication by doctors and therapists periodically over the years. I had resisted, because I wanted to find a "natural cure".
Fourteen years ago I began taking Zoloft. I was one of those fortunate persons that didn't have to try other medications, since this one has worked all along.
In high school, I was a likeable guy; I associated with pretty much every social group at one point or another. I played football, and I was known for doing well in that. I threw shot, too. Placed 8th in the state my junior year. Despite all of this, all my friends were pretty fucked up. One was in and out rehab, the other busy battling for paternity, and the last contending with his own suicidal lifestyle. I finished up high school without caring much where I went to college, and I ended up only visiting and going to one school, and that's where I am now. I don't know what I want out of life. I have all the important things that a person normally desires, yet I can't sleep without crying first and can't get through a day without thinking about suicide.
Heh. I was never
popular in school. I was nerdy and socially maladjusted. By the time I got into high school, I had taken up cigarettes, booze, and pot which allowed me to be accepted by other social outcasts.
My college career was similar. I went to the first college that accepted me and was 3,000 miles away from my family, which was still to close as far as I was concerned. I dropped out after 2 years, and returned after working shit-jobs for 3 years.
At the second college, I would park about a mile from campus(this was an urban University)in a residential area so I wouldn't have to pay for parking. The walk to class would take me across a freeway overpass. Day after day I fantasized about leaping over the rail as I crossed.
For me, my depression stems from both neuro-chemical malfunction (which makes it a medical condition) and the environment in which I was raised (alcoholism and mental illness).
It's been a long hard fight, but I never feel suicidal anymore. Sure I get depressed still sometimes, but my life is now what it should have been all along. I'm still, on the inside, an outsider, but I don't give a shit. I have a job in the corporate world, with enough social skills and confidence to blend in without feeling like a whore. My closest friends tend to be other bright, creative types who have also managed to do alright for themselves.
Earlier this year I posted my first comic project on FurAffinty which is the story of me coping with a really bad period in my life. Take a look; it might take some patience if you have dial-up, and the panels are in reverse order in the gallery( I'll have to change that).http://www.furaffinity.net/gallery/redcrow
I don't know what will or will not work to change your life for the better. But I thought I'd share my experience for what it's worth. You are welcome to pm me with any questions or concerns.
Sorry for bringing this up. I know I'm new here and all that. I suppose just typing it out helps
You are most welcome here, young sir.
I like your avatar a lot. Are you an Altermeta fan by any chance?