DDKQ : Not Blackaby Related. Script Opinions appreciated.

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DDKQ : Not Blackaby Related. Script Opinions appreciated.

Postby Blackaby on Tue Feb 21, 2006 5:45 am

I've another new comic comink... Divenska Dreams of Kings and Queens. I think I may force Law to stick with this title because although it is large and unweildy it loks kind of groovy abbrev'd to DDKQ. RIGHT?!

Anyway this is the first episode. Please tell me if you understand what's going on etc. :|


Page 1
//Full page. This first page will make you hate me. A busy multi-cultural building in a kind of 'happy ghetto' style area. Members of all four races, Esuvian (gray/blueish tinged), Hamonite (brown), Nagarian (black) and Cammante (no idea, really) are in evidence. Given that the area is tropical I think you'll just have to find different variations of black, brown and gray to identify them. Woo. There are several dark flags, and Hamonite flags flying from windows, but no one seems particularly concerned. On the top level Hana, laden with bags, is entering an apartment building. With luck she's the centre of attention for some reason. I have no idea to do this artistically. If you can fit the title of this section somewhere - Zahara's Flight - it would save an issue cover page.//

Page 2
Break the dialogue however you like. I've just got suggestions.
//Hana enters a very hippy-style home with her bags. "Princess - I'm home."-"Exhausted, but home."//
//Hana settles the bags on a convenient table. "Couldn't find those mixed nuts you wanted but the nice man from the stall gave me a few exotic looking fruit to try as a kind of consolation prize."-"Lovely gesture, although they all smell a bit too much like fish for my liking... still I'm sure we can give them to the boys at the shelter, they're not fussy."//
//Hana takes out some unusual fruit. "It was all very quiet in the market today. Not many people on the street. Unnerving, really"-//
//Flashback to a deserted street: -"And everyone was flying flags from their windows. Some black ones, but mainly Hamonite standards."-//
//-Hana is sniffing a fruit. -"I thought your people only flew those flags on royal occasions - is it some special day today?" Off-panel, Zahara replies: "Yes."//
//Zahara, in the doorway, looking up as she fastens a gun to a holster at her thigh. "My father died."//

Page 3
//Hana, in shock, as Zahara walks into the room. Hana: "I didn't hear... I didn't know..."
//Zahara, expressionless, fixing a second gun: "It's been all over the radio and netrags since you left. Didn't quite make the front papers of the Cammante Sun, though - apparently the death of an Emperor can't quite trump the results of the intercounty football quarter-finals."-//
//-"But to their credit they did do a lovely obituary on him on page five."-"And somehow, in the middle of discussing my father's greatest political achievements, they also let it slip that one of his daughters was holidaying with her hippy girlfriend on a specific island off the coast of Cammante."-(Hana may mumble: "Guns, we said we'd never keep guns in the house...")//
//-"On a specific island, in a specific market town, in a specific run-down apartment complex, in a specific room..."-//
//Zahara sights down a gun momentarily.//
//-"Either the writer had no idea about Hamonite succession rituals, or the ******* put good money on one of my siblings."//

#4
You may wanna break these up somehwat - and add more text depending on the flow. Add pages etc of angst. If you do want them to talk more to each other just put in bubbles and I can make up stuff for them later.
//Zahara, still unconcerned by Hana: "The way things are looking, I have maybe an hour before Parras or Leijesu or some other avenging sibling arrives on our doorstep with fratricide on the brain." - "I'm going to take the bike and hide out. Pick up Divenska along the way and get gone." - "With luck we'll see each other agai-" Hana: "I don't want you to go."//
//Zahara, annoyed: "You've always known this was going to happen someday. You knew from the minute I told you my name. So don't look at me like that. Don't act as if I actually WANT to do this."//
//Hana is all sob-full. Zahara, relents.//
//Clinch. >:D//
//Zahara breaks from her. "Or this."//
//Zahara fecks off, in a state of high melodrama. Hana has a little whine on her ownsome.//

#5
//Zahara heads out onto the roof top where her bike is. You might want to start with a shot of her bike, and then her coming into the picture, but I'm not terribly good with all this setting of scenes and stuff.//
//Zahara is talking into her phone. "Divenska, Divenska. And people always think twins are meant to have some kind of special bond." - Some
kind of magical mental connection." - "Not quite connection enough to get them to answer a phonecall from you, though."//
//Zahara, as she climbs onto the bike: "Come onnn Divenska, pick up the phone..." Phone, ringing.//
//Phone ringing, in Divenska's somewhat futuristicly awesome pad. Divenska is all slouched over and looks asleep.//

#6
//Divenska mumbles something. She's obviously identical to Zahara.//
//From a new angle, you can however see that one side of her head is shaved and there are all these awesome wires plugged into her brain.//
//In some exciting artistic way, we get to see what Divenska is seeing - which is her flying - well, a silver, streamlined version of her flying - through really awesome stuff. Because that's what virtual reality is like, eh.//
//Zahara, on her bike, staring at her phone: "Why are all the women in my life so utterly USELESS?"

#7
//Zahara gets on her bike. Snaps on her visor. "Right."//
//"Right. Right. Right." - "Getting Divenska, and getting out." - "That's the game plan." She's you know, kind of psyching herself up.//
//Zahara's psyche-up kind of crumbles a little. "Parras, Kelandir, Joafan, Lei-Lei, the rest of them - they can wait." - "Just getting Divenska. And getting gone." - "I don't think I can do this..."//
//Anyway she kicks off and flies out.//

#8
//Flying.//
//Looking down with an OMFG face. "The heck -"//
//And gets hit by some awesome missiley thing and falls.//
//CRASH.//

#9
//Drags herself out of the wreckage. Leijesu, with gun, watching her. Leijesu: "Morning, Princess." Leijesu has a harder, nastier, more angular face than Zahara. She should look vaguely masculine. I'd like her to have shaved parts to her head and some kind of long plait, possibly bleached, because that's fun. Innit.//

#10
//Zahara staggers up. Leijesu: "I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been looking forward to this."//
//Leijesu: "Shame I don't have much by way of competition. The rest of you grew up so bloody soft." - "You're a prime example of that. Save the trees, save the animals, save the poor" - "God, just save your breath."//
//Zahara, groaning, examining woundedity stuff: "Lei-Lei. It had to be you." Leijesu, thinking aloud: "When I'm Empress Leijesu I think the first thing I'll do is wage war on Cammante. Destroy all those pathetic little hippy communities you love so much." - "As a tribute to you, of course, dear sister."//
//Zahara gets up, probably reaches for some piece of her broken bike. Leijesu: "I don't know why you're so angry. The Cammante and their newspapers certainly didn't do you any favours this morning. Why, how else was I to know where to find you?" - //
//Leijesu, amused at herself: "Except maybe follow the smell of fish..."//
//Zahara whacks Leijesu over the head with a piece of her bike.//

#11
Zahara and Leijesu fight. It may be dirty but awesome. I'm not sure of the setting - on the street would be good - an empty street by the wreckage of the bike. If there's an opportunity, people might be staring out the windows to watch. Zahara: "Why. Do you always. Have to ruin things." And you can break that up a bit.

#12
//Zahara gets the upper hand, sits on Leijesu's chest with a piece of broken iron to her neck. Panting.//
//Leijesu: "So? Kill me."//
//Zahara, looking down at Leijesu. "I-I.."//
//Zahara kind of flashes back to a small version of Leijesu. Y'know, when they were kids and all.//

#13
//Leijesu is up a tree and people are throwing things at her. Caravin and Parris are likely the main culprits. Name calling, etc. Not sure what names, I'm sure that can be worked out later.//
//More yelling and such like.//
//Away from that, the twins are standing there. Divenska: "Zahara - why don't you do something?" Zahara: "She got herself into it."//
//Zahara: "She makes her own trouble."//
//Return to the present via this exciting flashback, obviously there will be some artistic technique but I'm not an artist, so I don't have to think about it. Zahara: "I - no. No."-"I won't do this."//

#14
At this point there's some sort of a crowd around them. Maybe visible in a blurr'd way.
//Zahara: "Hana is right. I don't have to be part of this. It's barbaric. It's stupid. My life is worth more than this ridiculous game for power."//
//Zahara: "And maybe, so is yours."//
//Leijesu: "Oh wow."//
//Leijesu totally kills her with something. Knife, for preference.//
//Leijesu: "That was the most profound thing I ever heard."//
//Pushes Zahara off. Leijesu: "Stupid hippy."//

#15
//Leijesu gets up and stands in the middle of all the wasteland she's caused. There are even more people coming out of their houses now.//
//Picks up her gun. "One down, ten to go." -//
//Takes keys etc from Zahara's wallet, checks the apartment number/address. Sees Hana's photograph in the wallet. With Zahara. "And maybe... bait...//
//She turns as she's leaving the crowd to say - "What, you people have never seen a princess before?"//

And that's the end of this issue.
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Postby Mr. Caravaggio on Tue Feb 21, 2006 8:30 am

Mmmmm, Battle Royale with alien chicks.

I have to admit I didn't read the thread title completely, so I kept expecting blackaby to show up with a shotgun and accidentally kill them both by dropping it. Eh. That said, I generally like it, especially the ending, that's a good ending. But the individual pages seem a little weird. By that I mean, well, take page 10, I think that's a good example. I think you've crammed a little bit too much exposition in the pages, it comes to a head here where you start repeating things that've already been established with the papers. It's also one of the few pages with some of the more inventive dialogue, or maybe i'm just reading too much into the fish comment. It's obviously not a funny ha-ha comic, but there's still a good amount of sarcasm and cynicysm for you to work your little writer fingers over.

That sounds worse than it should, maybe I can phrase it more eloquently after class, and when I'm not just waking up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to drive a few miles to class, only half awake. :)
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Postby Blackaby on Tue Feb 21, 2006 9:31 am

Mm, yeah. I just like to pretend my readers are really fucken stupid. I'd like to kind of set her up as the heroine a little tho. And bring in stuff mentioned here later on. :| My language as always isn't exactly right yet.
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Postby Mr. Caravaggio on Tue Feb 21, 2006 9:35 am

Is this the one you posted the artist wanted notice for in general? There you used the dreaded "n" word. How big is this story?
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Postby Blackaby on Tue Feb 21, 2006 11:01 am

No, I've had the artist for this one for a while. :D

The other one I'm merging wiff Zwuh on.

The newest one is more a graphic novel. Most of the story is written already. Just needs related thematic art.

The story length of this will be abotu 10 episodes, maybe 8... 15 pages each.
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Postby DotLaura on Tue Feb 21, 2006 1:36 pm

I am drawing stuffs, but I am taking a surprise trip from Thursday to Sunday, so I wont get as much done as I hoped.

I do have a week off after 3rd March, so I will get the majority of stuffs done then and have a think about the characters.


otherwise joy! at seeing script.
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Postby Blackaby on Wed Feb 22, 2006 5:46 am

Now that I remember, I'd like a close up of Zahara's face going AHHH I'M DYING and then a close up of Divenska's face, in the INTARWEB, all silvery, also going AHHH, because they're like TWINS and shit.

The character list for the siblings goooes something like this, age wise and raceeee wsie (or half-race):

(Cammante) Saminta - some kind of pop singer up herself bint but now in her late 30s singing musical stuffs. all made up. probably not terrifically attractive.
(Hamonite)Joafan - 35 or so, works in some peace corps deal with slummy people. probably handsome and tall. you know.
(Nagarian)Parras - 32 soldier bloke.
(Hamonite)Caravin - 29, playboy. fucken hot.
(Hamonite)Divenska - ya know it, 28?
(Hamonite)Zahara - ya knwo it 28?
(Hamonite)Leijesu - 24, ya know it
(Nagarian)Kelandir - 22, soldiery also.
(Nagarian)Chick I can't remember the name of - 17, probably kinda psycho
(Esuvian)Aimon - 16, somewhat fat & geekful
(Cammante)Chick I can't remember the name of - 15, probably kinda psycho
(Cammante)Chick I can't remember the name of - 14, probably kinda psycho

Hhonestly the race stuff has a reason :D
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Postby Mr. Caravaggio on Wed Feb 22, 2006 7:52 am

blackaby wrote:Honestly the race stuff has a reason :D

OMG POLITICAL COMMENTARY!

So, um, is this thing going to get really bloody at some point? I'm also getting the impression it could be really fun, or rally sad.

so many places to go... :wink:
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Postby Blackaby on Wed Feb 22, 2006 10:00 am

Naw, no political commentary. Just gives people different groups to draw from. With like WARRRRR. Awesome.

I don't know. It's more one on one generally. Except where a bunch of them go stabby. AHAHAH. That's always fun.
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Postby LibertyCabbage on Sat Mar 11, 2006 10:11 pm

that's pretty solid o_O

1- you could have the establishing shot as a full but hana in a separate panel overlapping it in the bottom right corner w/ the title under it. (i'll post a thumb after this post)

2- ace, although i think "dead" sounds better than "died" in this case. i'm not sure whether it's better as "father" or "dad" though.

i noticed later a lack of continuity in that zahara never used the gun in the fight, which you have to do in some way (elaborated later)

3-ace

4-i don't like using "sibling" here because not only is it too impersonal (which might be a good thing tho) but it's redundant, as it's the last word in the previous page and then she says fratricide anyway so why bother? you could just have her say "parras or leijusu or someone arrives..." like #2, less pretensious and more rushed, and flows better w/ 3.

the end of 4 confuses me :( i don't get it.

5- i think it'd be better if she was already riding the bike when the page starts. it keeps the fast pace up. it's just no reason to slow it down in order to provide exposition for the bike. she could talk on a hands-free headset too which would be cool.

6- ace

7- i don't like it when characters explain things to the reader, even indirectly. so you could have zahara hear an answering machine message (" ... sorry i can't come to phone now, leave a message after the beep" kinda thing) and then modify the dialogue so that she's speaking to divenska rather than the reader. it does the same thing, just it makes it less tacky.

8- ace although i'd prefer axing the "the heck--" and letting her expression speak for itself.

9-ace although it seems too simple ... like it needs another line of dialogue at the end or some action by liejesu

10- at first i was iffy on it cuz i felt it's too "black/white" but looking at it again i'm liking it more in the way it sets up leijusu's character. it's still awkward but i'm liking it more now =/ i dunnoz.

also i think this would be a good opportunity to use the gun. you could have zahara pull it out all of a sudden at the end and shoot it at leijesu and miss as a surprise attack thingy. and then leijesu could knock it away and during the fight zahara could get it back. or it could just get knocked away somehow or something. you gotta use the gun in the fight though somehow. maybe zahara could surprise shoot leijesu's hand and make her drop her gun?

11,12:ace

13 - you could have the flashback end w/ zahara's face and then go to the present w/ her face but older and w/ tears t.t

14 - ace, although i like leijesu's "That was the most profound thing I ever heard."// " line as the closer so i'd ax the "damn hippy"

15- ace


very nice.
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Postby DotLaura on Sun Mar 12, 2006 1:40 am

LibertyCabbage wrote:1- you could have the establishing shot as a full but hana in a separate panel overlapping it in the bottom right corner w/ the title under it. (i'll post a thumb after this post)


Gaah! I already did that. :lol:

I haven't shown much, but the UKwebcomixthing put me in the mood to comic so I shall work on it today and hopefully get a page finished.

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Thats what I had in mind for the first panel of page 2, but it came out a little stiff.. and I need to work on my hippyness as that isnt quite hippy.. at all.

Onward..
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Postby Blackaby on Sun Mar 12, 2006 10:58 am

I likes it
It is pretty hippy
Although you could shave off bits of her hair.
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