*Spoilers*

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*Spoilers*

Postby Catlegend on Thu Dec 20, 2007 3:48 am

ok, stars seperate comics, paragraphs precede panels, and numbers indicate panel action.

Cat Legend:

Long ago, in a time of great superstition, epic courage and terrible sickness, there was a cold stone home of humble stature smoking upon a hill.


Chapter 1.
*************************************************************
Back when the great plagues were still sweeping across Europe with a regularity you could set a clock to, people would appeal to anything or anyone for mercy. When the aristocracy of the time turned their back, or religion had no answers, superstition offered a glimmer of hope as beautiful and delicate as gauzy wings.

Unfortunately, Superstition, like all things can bring tyranny as easily as hope. The neighbor who will leave tender little bread crumbs in the hopes of appeasing the faere folk into aiding his crops, was as likely to head the local savage mob to out the witch which who may be the cause of the crops wilting in the first place.


1. The outside of Cat's house.

2. Lady Lily stepping over a limp hand on the ground and surrounding rubble with her delicate foot.

3. Bing leaning over a pile of rubble with Juin behind him.

4. "Lady Lily! I found him!" Bing Looking back to Lady Lily.

5. Lily helping Bing lift him [Cat] out of the rubble.

*************************************************************

The Fae, at the time, were divided into factions. The Great Fae, The Country Fae, and The Dire Fae.
Within the Great Fae faction there were two political parties.

One party believed Faeries and Humans were not meant to mingle. That both Humans and Faeries were safer if they had as little contact as possible. The other party believed that Faeries and Humans were meant to make the world better by co-existing. Of course, in co-existing a natural caste system would result due to humanities savagery and lack of magic. It was not humanities fault that they were not as fit as Fae to rule.

Unfortunately, the leaders of these two opposing parties were more than rivals or enemies, they were married.

1. Bing and the two little Faeries surround Cat's icky Dead Body. Juin to Bing, "Is he... you know?"

2. Bing, "I-I don't know. I think he might be."

3. Lily reaches down. "Please stand aside"

4. Her hand starts glowing which casts light on Bing, Juin, and Estel who each have verying degrees of horrified looks on their faces.

5. Cat's expression changes and the color drains from his black hair and skin.


*************************************************************
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Re: *Spoilers*

Postby שועל on Thu Dec 20, 2007 2:11 pm

I would have used and instead of the or in orange for the following.

When the aristocracy of the time turned their back, or religion had no answers....



The neighbor who will leave tender little bread crumbs in the hopes of appeasing the faere folk into aiding his crops, was as likely to head the local savage mob to out the witch which who may be the cause of the crops wilting in the first place.

Faerie is missing the i, if that's what you wanted.

The which in red should be deleted.

I am not sure I particularly like that sentence, seems to go in a lot of different directions. I felt like it lost its meaning. I don't know, it may be just me. I also like alliteration, so you will have to watch me on that.


A rewording could be as follows...
The neighbor leaving tender bread crumbs to appease the faerie folk into aiding his crops, was also likely to lead the local mob to out the witch, who may be the cause of the wilting crop.


"Of course, in co-existing a..."
Perhaps use coexistence for this one, so you're not repeating?


You don't have to make any changes, just pointing out what I saw. I may have read it improperly also.
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Re: *Spoilers*

Postby Catlegend on Thu Dec 20, 2007 11:09 pm

שועל wrote:
You don't have to make any changes, just pointing out what I saw. I may have read it improperly also.


No, need for softening your suggestion or telling me I don't have to. I know.

They were very good suggestions and exactly what I'm looking for. I can only read what I've written so many times without getting lost in the "blah blah".
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Postby Irish on Thu Dec 20, 2007 11:54 pm

First, I second everything Fox said, except his rewrite. While I agree your version is a little long, it paints a good picture.

Second, the word superstition doesn't need to be capitalized - "Unfortunately, Superstition, like all things..."

Third, the 'that' in the sentence below is not necessary. It is however one of those things that really depends on what you think sounds better. I personally think it would flow better without it.

"The other party believed that Faeries and Humans were meant to make the world better by co-existing."
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Postby Catlegend on Fri Dec 21, 2007 12:03 am

Irish wrote:
"The other party believed that Faeries and Humans were meant to make the world better by co-existing."


VERY good call!

I do like to capitalize things ^_^
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Postby שועל on Fri Dec 21, 2007 5:53 am

While on the capitalization drive... you technically don't NEED to capitalize "Faeries and Humans", since they are kind of general.



"Long ago, in a time of great superstition, epic courage and terrible sickness, there was a cold stone home of humble stature smoking upon a hill."

I really want to put a coma before of and after stature, but that could be me being comma crazy.



"humanities savagery and lack of magic. It was not humanities"

I would change one of the humanities


4. Her hand starts glowing which casts light on Bing, Juin, and Estel who each have verying degrees of horrified looks on their faces.

I assuming that won't be in the comic, but it is misspelled. Varying is what you want.
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Postby Catlegend on Fri Dec 21, 2007 11:05 am

שועל wrote:While on the capitalization drive... you technically don't NEED to capitalize "Faeries and Humans", since they are kind of general.

Naw, I'm using them like saying "the Spanish language". I think they are capital worthy.

"Long ago, in a time of great superstition, epic courage and terrible sickness, there was a cold stone home of humble stature smoking upon a hill."

I really want to put a coma before of and after stature, but that could be me being comma crazy.

That would make it more difficult to read. I can't justify it. If anything I'd say just the comma after stature, but I don't think it's necessary here.

"humanities savagery and lack of magic. It was not humanities"

I would change one of the humanities

To what? Right now it echos the sentence before in a kind of response to the statement. Just "their"? Isn't that a dangling participle or something? What do you think?

4. Her hand starts glowing which casts light on Bing, Juin, and Estel who each have verying degrees of horrified looks on their faces.

I assuming that won't be in the comic, but it is misspelled. Varying is what you want. Bah! :shucks:
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Postby שועל on Fri Dec 21, 2007 11:37 am

catlegend wrote:
שועל wrote: "humanities savagery and lack of magic. It was not humanities"

I would change one of the humanities

To what? Right now it echos the sentence before in a kind of response to the statement. Just "their"? Isn't that a dangling participle or something? What do you think?

As for the "humanities." I just realized that I missed the obvious mistake. You are using humanity as possessive, so it should be "humanity's." Possibly change one of the "humanity's" to mankind's or humankind's. Does that make sense?

I thought that about the Capitalization, and the comas are my thing.
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Postby Catlegend on Fri Dec 21, 2007 11:15 pm

Lord, I surely do hate grammer and spelling. Eye needs mes ah secrahmahtarry!
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Postby שועל on Sat Dec 22, 2007 7:36 am

don't we all?
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Round two!

Postby Catlegend on Mon Dec 31, 2007 3:11 pm

The Great Fae, unlike other Fae factions, are nature specialists. Where the country Fae have very week and varied magics and the Dire Fae are themselves darkness and mystery, each Great Fae is a master of their element.

For example, the Lady Lily is a master of the element Air. Beyond many of her peers, her ability to manipulate the surrounding air has made her an empathetic heroine and an ironfisted enemy to many of the citizens of Fae.

1. The Lady has her hand over Cat's mouth, coaxing smoke out.

2. Cat gasps air. The little faeries cower back.

3. Cat's eyes whip open.

4. Cat looks apprehensively around.

5. His eyes fix on Lily. "Please, do I know you?" Lily is smiling kindly at him as the little Fae crowd in. *creeeep-py!*
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Re: Round two!

Postby שועל on Mon Dec 31, 2007 3:24 pm

catlegend wrote:The Great Fae, unlike other Fae factions, are nature specialists. Where the country Fae have very week and varied magics and the Dire Fae are themselves darkness and mystery, each Great Fae is a master of their element.

For example, the Lady Lily is a master of the element Air. Beyond many of her peers, her ability to manipulate the surrounding air has made her an empathetic heroine and an iron-fisted enemy to many of the citizens of Fae.

1. The Lady has her hand over Cat's mouth, coaxing smoke out.

2. Cat gasps air. The little faeries cower back.

3. Cat's eyes whip open.

4. Cat looks apprehensively around.

5. His eyes fix on Lily. "Please, do I know you?" Lily is smiling kindly at him as the little Fae crowd in. *creeeep-py!*


I would say weak is what you want and possibly just weak because very and vary are close to each other.

The sentence that error is in is Funky and I want to reword it. As it is, it is lacking some grammar. I just can't think of it at the moment.

Iron-fisted should be hyphenated.
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Re: Round two!

Postby Irish on Mon Dec 31, 2007 9:13 pm

catlegend wrote:The Great Fae, unlike other Fae factions, are nature specialists. Where the country Fae have very week and varied magics and the Dire Fae are themselves darkness and mystery, each Great Fae is a master of their element.


This I would rewrite as:

The Great Fae are nature specialists; whereas the Country Fae have weak and varied magics, and the Dire Fae are darkness itself, each of the Great Fae is a master of their element.

...or something to that effect.

And this:

empathetic heroine and an iron-fisted enemy to many of the citizens of Fae.

..should probably read:

empathetic heroine or an iron-fisted enemy to many of the citizens of Fae.
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Re: Round two!

Postby שועל on Tue Jan 01, 2008 10:44 am

catlegend wrote:The Great Fae, unlike other Fae factions, are nature specialists. Where the country Fae have very week and varied magics and the Dire Fae are themselves darkness and mystery, each Great Fae is a master of their element.



I agree with Irish and provide other variations. None are better than the other, just whichever appeals to you.

The Great Fae, unlike other Fae factions, are nature specialist, each mastering their element. Whereas the Country Fae have weak and varied magics; the Dire Fae are the epitome( or personification or the original wording) of darkness and mystery.

Or

The Great Fae, unlike other Fae factions, are nature specialist, each mastering their element. Whereas the Country Fae have weak and varied magics, and the Dire Fae are the epitome( or personification or the original wording) of darkness and mystery.


Just something like that
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Postby Catlegend on Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:27 pm

I like Epitome.
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Postby שועל on Tue Jan 01, 2008 3:26 pm

I do too. I use it far too often.

Do you understand what I mean about the rewording?
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Postby Catlegend on Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:27 pm

You DO understand I'm not retarded...right? :eyebrow:
Cat CAN read. :roll: XD


Or rather *after pouting* yes, I understand :P
Last edited by Catlegend on Wed Jan 02, 2008 2:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby שועל on Wed Jan 02, 2008 12:25 pm

Meep. I would hope you would be able to read, seeing as this is forum and the only form of communication is reading. :wink:

What I meant is, that is just my way, but you understand on how to change it to make it your own wonderful piece of literary art.
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Postby Wildekarrde on Wed Jan 02, 2008 8:31 pm

I noticed that even as comma happy as you are Fox, every one of you missed the comma that is needed for the list in the almost first sentence.


Long ago, in a time of great superstition, epic courage , and terrible sickness, there was a cold stone home of humble stature smoking upon a hill.

I know, leave it to the guy who wants to be an English teacher to suck...
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Postby Catlegend on Thu Jan 03, 2008 2:30 am

SONOFABITCH! ><
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