Bad jokes you might want to repeat

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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Yeahduff on Mon Dec 29, 2008 8:08 am

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Because she was chicken.
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Yeahduff on Mon Dec 29, 2008 8:10 am

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because she had no guts.
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Yeahduff on Mon Dec 29, 2008 8:10 am

Why didn't Kanye West cross the road?

Because Kanye West can do whatever the fuck he wants.
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby TheSuburbanLetdown on Mon Dec 29, 2008 8:28 am

A woman says to her husband, "Y'know, it's odd. How come you never go out with your friends anymore?" he replied, "I no longer have friends because I married you."

Yeahduff wrote:Guy walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, "You look like a robot."

"Yes," replied the bartender. "That's because I control you."

This is the best joke I've ever heard.
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Yeahduff on Mon Dec 29, 2008 8:30 am

The comedic stylings of Thom Yorke, ladies and gentlemen.
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Grabmygoblin on Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:25 am

this guy is sitting at a bar. a beautiful woman walks in, drawing his attention. after a second or so he realizes "oh no, that's a hooker." she notices that he's checking her out, and slides up next to him.

she purrs in his ear "hey babe, for 200 dollars, I'll do anything you can say in three words."

he pauses and thinks, then pulls out his wallet, counts out the cash and says "paint my house."
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Rkolter on Thu Jan 01, 2009 7:15 am

Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank?

To check his balance!

Why do cow lie down when it's raining?

To keep each udder dry!

What's yellow and stays hot in the fridge?

Mustard!

Which country has a good appetite?

Hungary!

Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine chest?

He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants with him?

In case he got a hole in one!

How do you save meatballs from drowning?

Put them in gravy boats!
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Eve Z. on Thu Jan 01, 2009 2:59 pm

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"

So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"

Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Spaceprincess on Thu Jan 01, 2009 7:29 pm

Two women are out working in their garden. One of the woman picks up two fairly large potatoes, one in each hand. She looks at them and sighs " these remind me of my husband." the other woman say " what, his are that big?" The first woman replies " no this dirty!"
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Dreamaniaccomic on Thu Jan 01, 2009 11:26 pm

(At the scene of a crime, two men, one a policeman.)
First Man: Help! I went in and he was lying on the floor!
Policeman: Oh, is he dead?
First Man: I don't know.
Policeman: Hadn't you better make sure?
First Man: Alright.
*First Man enters the room containing the body. Sound of two gunshots.*
First Man: He's dead.
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Siabur on Fri Jan 02, 2009 1:56 pm

How many flys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2, but don't ask me how they got in there!
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Levi-chan on Fri Jan 02, 2009 8:07 pm

A dyslexic walks into a bra.
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Tellurider on Fri Jan 02, 2009 9:50 pm

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Killbert-Robby on Fri Jan 02, 2009 10:02 pm

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby MattRo on Sun Jan 04, 2009 7:38 am

A couple are driving down the road in the dead of winter when they notice a baby skunk on the side of the road shivering. The woman says to her husband, "Oh please pull over so we can help that poor baby." The husband does. The lady grabs up the baby skunk and brings him back into the car. She says, "He's so cold and shivering, what should I do?" The husband replies, "Stick him between your legs. It's warm there." She responds, "What about the smell?" The husband retorts, "Just pinch his little nose..."

Two monks walk into a bar. The first one says...
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Spaceprincess on Sun Jan 04, 2009 7:20 pm

A guys walks down the road and he sees a farmer holding two bricks in his hands. " what'cha doing with those bricks?" he asks. "I use'em to castrate the horses"replies the farmer. The man was disgusted by this "doesn't that hurt?" The farmer looks at him "only when I get my thumbs caught"
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby MattRo on Sun Jan 04, 2009 11:42 pm

A farmer spent his whole life on his farm, from birth to now his late 40's. He decides it's time to go into town and find himself a lady to be his bride. He does so and after a few months they decide it's time to tie the knot. After being married in town, the two get onto his horse drawn wagon and ride back the few miles to their farm. On the way, the horse gets tired so it stops pulling. The farmer calls out, "That's one." The horse starts to pull again and yet another mile down the road the horse stops exhausted. The farmer calls out again, "That's two." The horse continues until it stops a third time. The farmer says, "That's three." With that he pulled out his shotgun and shoots the horse dead. The farmer's new wife looks at the farmer and yells, "I can't believe you just did that! That horse was simply tired from the long journey and you had to go and shoot him! He was a perfectly good horse! I can't believe I married such a heartless man..." The farmer calmly looked at his new wife and said, "That's one."
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby [geoduck] on Mon Jan 05, 2009 12:43 pm

What goes "clip clop clip clop bang clip clop clip clop"?
An Amish drive-by shooting.

Why should you never go into the jungle between two and three on Thursday afternoons?
That's when the elephants are jumping out of the trees.

Why are Pygmies so short?
Because they went into the jungle between two and three on Thursday afternoon.
"gooey-duck". A clam. Not a snail.
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby Spaceprincess on Tue Jan 06, 2009 2:39 pm

I guy runs into a bar and says " give me three shots fast!" The bartender pours them fast and the guys drinks them as they're filled.
"man you really pounded those fast."
" You'd drink fast if you had what I got"
"what do you have?"
"50 cents"
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Re: Bad jokes you might want to repeat

Postby MattRo on Fri Jan 09, 2009 11:10 pm

A guy is driving down the road and his car breaks down. He looks up and there's a farm house atop this hill. He walks up to it and knocks on the door. The farmer opens the door and asks if he can help the man. The man says, "My car broke down up the road there and I need a place to stay for the night while I wait for a tow truck." The farmer replies, "Well, we can bed you up here for the night. You'll just have to stay in my sons room." The driver says "Oops. Wrong joke."
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