Harry Potter Spoilers! ZOMG!

The Neko · Post by **The Neko** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 10:18 pm

Harry Potter is actually an autistic kid who dreamed up Hogwarts while vacantly staring into a snowglobe!

Nyke · Post by **Nyke** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 10:39 pm

*golf-clap*

Well done. For a sec there, I thought it would be serious.

Jackhass · Post by **Jackhass** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 11:10 pm

Harry's really a girl, Hermoine is really a guy and Ron is both.

[AlmightyPyro] · Post by **[AlmightyPyro]** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 11:19 pm

Heh, me and my friends were joking about how the last book will end with Harry waking up in his cupboard under the stairs to find out it was all a dream.

Sput · Post by **Sput** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 12:07 am

Harry ends up being forced to go back to the past in order to bang Tom Riddle to save the wizarding world! They have two kids named Eternal and Visage.

Killbert-Robby · Post by **Killbert-Robby** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 12:15 am

Happy Potter dies. Its a little thought that helps me sleep at night.

That guy · Post by **That guy** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 1:31 am

Turns out Peeves the Poultergeist is the most the pivotal character in the end. Bet they wish they hadn't left him out of all the movies now.

Tellurider · Post by **Tellurider** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 2:17 am

Despite what everyone says about Harry looking like his father, he is actually the illegitimate child of his mom and Snape. They are locked in a duel to the death and just as they both realize the truth, Harry is killed. Snape, racked by guilt, blasts Voldemort into oblivion. He is a hero and loved by all.

I like Alan Rickman.

JTorch · Post by **JTorch** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 3:01 am

I have real Harry Potter spoilers, but instead I'll just say that Harry Potter grows up to be Brent Butt. The disappearance of his English accent is a huge plot hole though.

Killbert-Robby · Post by **Killbert-Robby** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 3:21 am

JTorch wrote:I have real Harry Potter spoilers, but instead I'll just say that Harry Potter grows up to be Brent Butt. The disappearance of his English accent is a huge plot hole though.

No, Voldemort STEALS his accent to seduce Ron. DER! God your spoilers suck.

Legendary · Post by **Legendary** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 3:36 am

Tellurider wrote:Despite what everyone says about Harry looking like his father, he is actually the illegitimate child of his mom and Snape. They are locked in a duel to the death and just as they both realize the truth, Harry is killed. Snape, racked by guilt, blasts Voldemort into oblivion. He is a hero and loved by all.

I like Alan Rickman.

Sure, but is that any excuse to snub Gary Oldman?

Rkolter · Post by **Rkolter** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 3:45 am

It turns out the entire series of books is Harry Potter and Voldemort trying to hide their love/hate relationship that begain with a pimpslap that imprinted Voldemort's lightningbolt ring insigna on Harry Potter's forehead.

Dumbledore knew the whole thing. He kept the charade of friendship with Harry so Harry wouldn't un-repress the memories of the beatings he used to give Harry whenever he'd come over for tea with the Potters.

Snape? Snape's the good guy in all this, but is so disgusted with the whole thing that it's affected his attitude towards Harry and he now blames the victim.

RemusShepherd · Post by **RemusShepherd** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 5:17 am

I have seen real spoilers also. And all I'll say is that Ron Weasely is the stupidest character in fiction, ever.

Rkolter · Post by **Rkolter** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 6:10 am

There are several "real" spoilers out there, each from apparently reliable sources. There's a couple different photographed versions (although both have 36 chapters and a 7 page epilogue), a Torrent, and a copy supposedly stolen from Scholastic books by a hacker.

I think it's just mean to post actual spoilers on this. I don't care for the books (although the movies are good), but I know a lot of people who have waited with baited breath for this book to come out and every book until this one.

Best to leave actual harry potter spoilers off OT.

Post by **Mercury Hat** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 6:33 am

The Catholic hacker story, or whatever group it was supposed to be, is a complete fake.

The low-res photographs of the book that were leaked out through LueLinks and then 4Chan are 99.9% the real deal, seeing as Scholastic has been firing off subpoenas to various sites hosting them and they're trying to find the original poster.

It turns out Harry had been writing the book series all along since the end of the second; Ginny actually died, Harry didn't win the lottery, it was his sister who was the lesbian and not his mother, and all the surreal happenings were Harry's way of dealing with Ginny's death.

...God, Roseanne sucked.

Dr Legostar · Post by **Dr Legostar** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 7:05 am

Voldemort is Harry's real father, and this whole thing has been a giant rip off of star wars from the get go.

Stay tuned for the prequels as we see how tom riddle became voldemort.

Yeahduff · Post by **Yeahduff** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 8:02 am

Harry's involvement with fantasy roleplaying exposes him to early prog rock in the form of Yes, Genesis, and Pink Floyd, with LSD soon to follow. The book ends with him leaving Hogwarts to play the hammond 3 organ in a psychadelic band called Earwax Jelly Belly.

Nervous Spy · Post by **Nervous Spy** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 10:28 am

Harry, Ron and Hermione travels back in time to prevent Voldemort from ever being born. After Ron and Herm sacrificed themselves to stop a T-800 sent from the future to sabotage their mission, Harry manages to kill the person he thinks is Voldemort's mother. Unfortunately, before returning to the present, he hires a hooker to get his mind of it all, and accidentally fathers Voldemort himself...

When present day Voldemort finds out Harry is his real father, he is dejected and jumps to his death from the floating city of Nipseb. Dumbledore, who is actually none other than Neville Longbottom from 150 years in the future, suddenly reappears and tries to cast 'arresto momentum' on him, but gets it wrong. Rocks fall, all die.

Yeahduff · Post by **Yeahduff** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:03 am

Harry becomes born-again and denounces his past life of sorcery in favor of life as a street minister passing out Chick tracts. He writes a tell all about the inner workings of Hogwarts and it's place in the secular humanist agenda. It becomes Tyndale House's greatest seller, outselling the entire Left Behind series and places Harry as the preeminent Evangelical leader, causing Joel Osteen to kill himself. Years later he falls from grace when known soothsayer Hermione Granger reveals a paternity test proving Potter is the father.

Noise Monkey · Post by **Noise Monkey** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:59 am

Harry finds a secret doorway that allows him to experience life through Voldemort's eyes for a few hours at a time before dumping him out on the side of Privet Drive. Voldemort discovers Harry's activities and chases him through the door into a world where everyone is pasty-pale, has no nose and the only word they say is "Voldemort"