Venting Thread

[Christwriter]

My teeth have been giving me problems. Specifically, my upper-right side moler, which underwent a root canal two years ago and fell apart about four months ago due to degeneration from having no nerve. I SHOULD have capped the thing, but I didn't, and now it's falling apart.

Well, we went to the dentist about a week after the tooth fell apart (the next pay-day week) and had a temporary sealer put in, with the understanding that as soon as possible, we would have it capped. We went in on my Dad's insurance...which didn't pay for the sealer. Which meant that his insurance probably wouldn't pay for the cap, either, and that's something I can't afford on my own OR with Mom helping me.

A week ago, I was talking to my brother, who's living with Dad right now. He told me that 1. Dad was not taking care of himself physically 2. he's on five different kinds of mood-altering perscriptions ALL AT ONCE and 3. he's making three times as much as mom is at her job, and is spending all of it on movies and junk food. He's living with his boss. I think he pays rent, but I know he doesn't have to pay electricity, water, internet or, now that he has a company car, gas or mantience. It's been about a month (again!) since I actually talked to Dad, and that was during our trip down to see my brother for his birthday. I saw Dad a total of ten minutes MAYBE, and we were sleeping under the same roof.

Night before last, the temporary filling in my tooth fell out.

Today, Mom took a loan out to help one of her employees AKA one of our friends out with his rent (don't ask). It turned out that someone else had already taken care of him, so she offered to use the loan to pay for the dental work on my tooth. I told her that I didn't want her to do that for me, because "Dad has the money for it."

And then I realized that he did have the money, but there's no way he'd ever pay for my tooth. I don't know why, but I know he won't do it. He's never done stuff like that for us, even when my family was together. Mom always had to pay the bills and try to keep Dad from spending more money then we had on stuff we didn't need. When Dad was in charge of money, we rarely saw any of it.

And I just started crying, and I still can't stop. I've been trying (I'm at work. I don't want to let people see me cry) but I can't stop. Becuase here we are having to make choices between food or contact lenses, or contacts and dental care, and Dad's a three hour drive away, buying whole seasons of TV shows on DVD because he wants them and eating out every night and buying my brother a high-def TV for his birthday...and because I'm three hours away, and not in his sights every day, I'm not worth it to him. I spent the night under the same roof as my Dad, and I saw him twice, for a grand total of fifteen minutes. It's like I don't matter anymore.

...And what really sucks is that my whole life I always knew that if I got to feeling this way, I could go find my dad and have him give me a hug and tell me it would be OK and make me feel better. And now I can't do that. And I don't understand.

It's been two years since my parents split up, and I still feel like someone died. It's like there's a huge abscess of greif inside me, and every once in a while something small kicks the scab off and I can't make the sadness go away.

I don't know what I did, I don't know how to fix it, and I don't know why it has to be this way.

CW

[Rkolter]

You did nothing wrong Christwriter.

Your father's ability to be a dad, or lack thereof, is not your fault.

::edit::
By that I mean, you could have been the worst, meanest, nastiest, dirtiest kid on Earth, and it still wouldn't excuse your father from doing the right thing. He isn't. And that's not your fault.

It wouldn't hurt though, to ask him if he'd pay for your tooth? It sounds like you haven't actually done that?

[Ian Moulding]

I don't know what I did, I don't know how to fix it, and I don't know why it has to be this way.

You did nothing wrong.

You can't fix it.

It's this way because your father has never bothered to grow up.

He's sponging off an employer/friend, spending his money on toys and junk food, and ignoring his responsibilities. Regardless of his physical age these are the actions of a teenager, not an adult.

[Garneta]

Wow, that really sucks.

Have you tried talking to him about this?

[Blackaby]

While I appreciate that your strained relationship with your dad is the main reason for ventage here, I think you should concentrate first on getting your tooth fixed for you. Have you asked him about it? Can you get your brother to ask him?

Perhaps if you appeal to him from this position - desperate, and seeking fatherly love and care - it may change things. It sounds as if he's become very depressed and has lost his way a little, and it may take actually getting some responsibility - for you, for one thing - to get him to turn his life around.

[Ian Moulding]

It sounds as if he's become very depressed and has lost his way a little, and it may take actually getting some responsibility - for you, for one thing - to get him to turn his life around.

'Turning his life around' is his responsibility. It isn't CW's job to keep needling him to act like a grown-up.

[Christwriter]

Wow, that really sucks.

Have you tried talking to him about this?

I should, but I haven't. The last couple of times he's visited, or I've visited with him, I want it to be a happy time, and I've learned from other conversations that if I tell him anything he does has hurt me, he gets angry and either yells me down or cuts off the conversation and leaves. And like I said, the last visit, he didn't seem to want me to be there.

...I probably could mention that last part to him without losing the chance to spend time with him (god, that sounds so pathetic), but...I want my Dad.

Anyway, I feel a little bit better now. And I probably should ask Dad to pay for the tooth.

CW

[Cortland]

I wish you could tell your dad what you're feeling without him blowing up at you, because keeping it bottled up inside doesn't help at all. I hope letting it out here in the forums will help you because, for what it's worth, we're behind you 100%, CW. Sappy as it may sound, we're like a family here, and when you hurt, we hurt with you.

For now, get your tooth fixed, and make your dad pay for it. He needs to take some responsibility now rather than wallow in his own excess leaving your mom with all the bills.

[Rock_dash]

I wish you could tell your dad what you're feeling without him blowing up at you, because keeping it bottled up inside doesn't help at all. I hope letting it out here in the forums will help you because, for what it's worth, we're behind you 100%, CW. Sappy as it may sound, we're like a family here, and when you hurt, we hurt with you.

For now, get your tooth fixed, and make your dad pay for it. He needs to take some responsibility now rather than wallow in his own excess leaving your mom with all the bills.

Damn straight on all accounts.

[RemusShepherd]

You did nothing wrong Christwriter.

Quoted for truth.

Sometimes people are broken in ways they can't help. Your Dad sounds like he's broken. Don't beat yourself up -- you'll make do, with the people around you that you can count on.

Out of curiosity, how much would the bill be to fix your tooth?

[Ian Moulding]

Caps cost about $600-$900 for porcelain, way waaaaay more for gold or other metals.

[Christwriter]

Caps cost about $600-$900 for porcelain, way waaaaay more for gold or other metals.

...

...that is NOT what our dentist quoted us when I had the root canals done. His price was about twice that. Had it been that much, we probably would have capped the things the first time.

CW

[Ian Moulding]

I just did a quick google search and came up with this. I got the same results on a couple of other sites. Your dentist may have been trying to make a fast buck, or there may be other charges not listed on those sites. Ask around.

[Phact0rri]

taking on the venting thing...

mum calls me last night to tell me a few things regarding the family of my bestfriend from highschool.

1) her older sister died in feburary of a drug overdose (and ya got to know my mum and sisters knew of this and didn't bother to tell me)

2) she had an operation, to remove what could have been. might still be cancer

3) her older sister, is starving herself.

4) her brother is getting near suicidal...

and she tells me to call them all ande make it all better cause they need a voice and I'm such a good councilor (which granted I been doing it for most of my born life...) yet how do I call up people who I've not spoken to in like ten years (aside from said best friend) and tell them everything is okay.

so I spent the night crying, and really all I want to do, is make sure my friend is okay. its really a messy situation, and not one I have buisness sticking my nose in aside from hearing from my friend who very well could be dying. and I'm sure my mum will call today to ask me how it all went, and we'll get into the wrongness she presses on me... once again.

grrs... my mum can sure suck.

[Blackaby]

It sounds as if he's become very depressed and has lost his way a little, and it may take actually getting some responsibility - for you, for one thing - to get him to turn his life around.

'Turning his life around' is his responsibility. It isn't CW's job to keep needling him to act like a grown-up.

People need motivation. I'm well aware it's not her bloody responsibility but that doesn't mean she shouldn't try it.

[Blackaby]

and she tells me to call them all ande make it all better cause they need a voice and I'm such a good councilor (which granted I been doing it for most of my born life...) yet how do I call up people who I've not spoken to in like ten years (aside from said best friend) and tell them everything is okay.

so I spent the night crying, and really all I want to do, is make sure my friend is okay. its really a messy situation, and not one I have buisness sticking my nose in aside from hearing from my friend who very well could be dying. and I'm sure my mum will call today to ask me how it all went, and we'll get into the wrongness she presses on me... once again.

grrs... my mum can sure suck.

You poor thing... many hugs. :/ I'd call though... or at least call your friend. You can just say that you heard about things happening to her and were just calling to say that you still remembered her and would play a 'listening ear' if she needed one. If she doesn't want you, she can just say so... but I bet she will.

Hugs and hugs and hugs. And y'know if you ever want to talk about it yourself, I'm always around.

[Faub]

CW, I'm sorry. I can't say anything about that guy and not be hateful about it. I've tried. You don't deserve this.

Pay attention to the problem that needs fixing, your tooth.
Your dad doesn't deserve your attention as much as you would like to give it.

[McDuffies]

I definitely don't feel like adding my comparatively tiny problems.

Incidentally, it seems like it'd almost be cheaper to take a plane to Serbia to fix your teeth here.

[RemusShepherd]

I definitely don't feel like adding my comparatively tiny problems.

Yeah, that's the way I feel when I see these threads. I'm all ready to let my frustrations out, and then I read someone with real problems, and decide to count my blessings instead.

Incidentally, it seems like it'd almost be cheaper to take a plane to Serbia to fix your teeth here.

This is actually a common practice in America these days, with the state of our broken health care system. I know someone who flew to Mexico to have her teeth fixed because it cost half as much as it would in the States, even including the cost of airfare and a week's hotel.

CW, I can get you a referral on that mexican dentist if you wish.

[Phact0rri]

Hugs and hugs and hugs. And y'know if you ever want to talk about it yourself, I'm always around.

thanks for the hugs and the offer, mainly the hugs though. hugs are great.