How to shower...

Killbert-Robby · Post by **Killbert-Robby** » Sat May 20, 2006 9:07 am

I found this, thought it was pretty funny, thought I'd share

_____________

How To Shower Like A Woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower! . Use face cloth, a loufa, and pumice stone; and the moisturizing soap. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like A Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Oh, and do the muscle-man to show that six pack (or keg!). Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you. Have a great day! And, "woo hoo"!!!

---Kamex

Dave Against The Machine · Sat May 20, 2006 9:22 am

HAH! That was..... Just... WOW. Did any one notice. That neither party, actually washed there full body. Hmmmmmmmm.

Sortelli · Post by **Sortelli** » Sat May 20, 2006 9:40 am

woo hoo!!!

Mvmarcz · Post by **Mvmarcz** » Sat May 20, 2006 9:44 am

far to complicated

How to shower:
Go to bathroom
Take off clothes
Put clothes in hamper
Turn shower on
Get in shower
wash self
shave where needed...or not whatever
Wash hair
rinse self
turn off shower
dry self
find clothes

Dave Against The Machine · Sat May 20, 2006 10:02 am

Yea. That's how I do it. But exclude that last one.

Unclemilo · Post by **Unclemilo** » Sat May 20, 2006 10:11 am

<a href="http://www.conjobs.org/bathing.php">Here</a>

Felt the need to post this bit I wrote for my defunt conventioneering website a few years back. Enjoy.

Skylark King · Post by **Skylark King** » Sat May 20, 2006 10:12 am

GAK! That's what I get for posting on someone else's computer. That was MY con bathing piece, actually.

Dutch! · Post by **Dutch!** » Sat May 20, 2006 1:09 pm

That one made the rounds of the staff room sometime a year ago. Was highly entertaining. It bagged both sexes, which at least gave the four of us blokes a bit of balance for once.

There's a great one somewhere about both sexes and how they get money from a drivethrough ATM too. That one though clearly takes aim at the female of the species. The final sentence is the kicker.

Rock_dash · Post by **Rock_dash** » Sat May 20, 2006 1:20 pm

Yup, read that years ago. It's still got some funny bits though. I do the hair mohawk thing, myself.

JTigerclaw · Post by **JTigerclaw** » Sat May 20, 2006 1:25 pm

Man, that is far too complicated still. Showing doesn't need a bunch of steps. It's more like this... Call it the "Ten Easy Steps to Successful Showering!"

1. Find a shower
2. Turn it on
3. Nudify!
4. Get in
5. Wash hair
6. Wash body
7. Turn it off
8. Dry
9. Get out
10. Unnudify!

(Only important thing is dry before you get out of the tub. I discovered this little gem only a year ago. No more sopping wet bathmats! Woohoo!)

TheSuburbanLetdown · Post by **TheSuburbanLetdown** » Sat May 20, 2006 1:54 pm

I just light a match under the sprinker system.

Garneta · Post by **Garneta** » Sat May 20, 2006 3:09 pm

Dutch! wrote: There's a great one somewhere about both sexes and how they get money from a drivethrough ATM too. That one though clearly takes aim at the female of the species. The final sentence is the kicker.

Someone should find that.

I'd heard the shower one too, but I forget where....and ya know, there's a surprising lack of nufity in this thread.

Dave Against The Machine · Sat May 20, 2006 5:58 pm

Nufity?

Pillywiggin · Post by **Pillywiggin** » Sat May 20, 2006 6:01 pm

Kat North wrote:
Dutch! wrote: There's a great one somewhere about both sexes and how they get money from a drivethrough ATM too. That one though clearly takes aim at the female of the species. The final sentence is the kicker.
Someone should find that.

How to use the ATM

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of check book
19. Drive forwards 7 feet
20. Reverse back to cash machine
21. Retrieve card
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
23. Re-check make-up again
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 3 to 4 miles
26. Release hand brake

I'd heard the shower one too, but I forget where....and ya know, there's a surprising lack of nufity in this thread.

Well if you need a more risque joke... try the female one first.

JTigerclaw · Post by **JTigerclaw** » Sat May 20, 2006 6:01 pm

Yeah, there is a sad lack of Nufity. I haven't seen him for years, actually.

Garneta · Post by **Garneta** » Sat May 20, 2006 8:31 pm

Dave Against The Machine wrote:Nufity?

nudity. I was on lunch break while ago, and in a bit of a hurry...so I didn't check my typing.

Laemkral · Post by **Laemkral** » Sat May 20, 2006 8:54 pm

Psh. You're all making it too complicated.

1. Open package of baby wipes.
2. Apply baby wipes to skin with vigorous rubbing motion and then dispose.
3. Close package of baby wipes.
4. Spray self with Febreeze.

Done. Honestly, what's with all this "soap and water" and "clean clothes" bull?

[AOD] · Post by **[AOD]** » Sat May 20, 2006 9:27 pm

All your showering tips are too complex for a man of the 21st century.

This is how we do it in civilisation:

1) Step into Ultraviolet flash-burner (clothing optional)
2) Activate
3) Step out, making sure to remove thin ashen coating of burnt flesh.

@~AOD

Dave Against The Machine · Sat May 20, 2006 9:49 pm

Kat North wrote:
Dave Against The Machine wrote:Nufity?
nudity. I was on lunch break while ago, and in a bit of a hurry...so I didn't check my typing.

OK, Well. In that case. *strips*

I'm filling in the lack of nudity.

Joel Fagin · Post by **Joel Fagin** » Sat May 20, 2006 10:05 pm

[AOD] wrote:1) Step into Ultraviolet flash-burner (clothing optional)
2) Activate
3) Step out, making sure to remove thin ashen coating of burnt flesh.

...by showering.

- Joel Fagin