It is lacking... and one of the things it's lacking is that it's NARRATIVE being posted on a site for, uh... webcomics... which are generally written in script... not that you can't get writing help here, I'd just suggest it's probably not the best way to go about it... also, posting approximately one page in Word that's 'all I've written' on a novel is also not a good idea... write the chapter, then post it. That way you have time to spot mistakes yourself first. Even better is to have the entire story.
Writing, writing, writing...
I would suggest you go mosey over to CritiqueCircle, for one possibility, or even the Nanowrimo forums once it reopens. Also hate to spamalot, but I'm the mod for the writing section over at Jedi.net and we LOVE critiquing...
If you ask for it, and ask 'help me make it better', we will... though it generally helps if you like Star Wars. (You don't have to WRITE it, just like it) And there are many, many other writing places on the web.
Luckily for you, I'm a literature critic as WELL as a comic critic! Let's get right down to this... WARNING. I AM NOT A LIGHT CRITIC.
1) When you post a story online, tabs don't show up. There are no indents, double space for readability.
2) Snow? Spring? Snow is most definately the first spring thing I think of, snow and that horrible snow/new spring mud that gets EVERYWHERE and on EVERYTHING, and farmers sulking and all that. But I live in Canada. I guess snow on the first day of school is supposed to be an anomoly for you. First day of school, what? Is this after spring or Easter break? You lost me with that line, because my mind went WHAT? First day of school is... well... September, which is fall... if this is set in Australia or some other place with different school schedules, then you're going to have to make sure we KNOW this... in theory you meant this was after spring/easter break. So you'd have to write something like that: "It was Nick's first day of school after the break and it was snowing. Oh, joy."
Speaking as a Canadian, I know snow well. There is no such thing as a light snowstorm. Either you're walking to school with ice crystals hurling themselves into your formerly dainty cheeks, or it's snowing, and believe me, that's not a snowstorm. What you're describing is a nice winter's day, where the air catches your breath and turns it into fog, making cheeks and noses rosy and leaves a light coating of snow in your hair, so that you have to shake it out if you weren't wearing a touque, which presumably they weren't, because after all, he was describing her hair later on. This is not a light snowstorm, that is an oxymoron. This is a light snow.
But meh, ignoring all that, moving on!
Have you heard the word TENSE? Past tense, present tense. Both are acceptable writing styles, past tense is preferable. Have you heard VOICE? Narrator? The character who's speaking? When you're writing in third person, past tense, limited POV--which you are--you need to keep that character voice in mind. You don't preach at the reader, or even go 'snow isn't the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks of snow'. No. "Snow wasn't the first thing that came to Nick's mind when he thought about spring, but here he was on the first day of school: walking to the school gate in a light snow." There is no we unless it is in first person. It is not in first person. Nick is clearly narrating, in third person. There is no one WITH him. There is no we.
Past tense means the story is not 'happening right now'. It is generally the acceptable tense for writing, because to be able to write present tense well takes a lot of talent. That would mean "Snow isn't the first thing that comes to Nick's mind when he thinks of spring, but here he is on the first day of school: walking to the school gate in a light snow."
Once again, snow on the first day jars with me... it's like... WHAT? First day of school is in FALL, not SPRING...
And suddenly, a girl! After all the poetry up there, how anticlimatic. Also, it's snowing. No, Nick, NO! You don't 'just about to run into the school gates' when it's SNOWING unless you are LATE. Assuming that this is spring, let me describe spring. Spring melts the snow, and then SURPRISE, SNOWSTORM! You have layers of ice underneath the snow. Slick, nasty ice. Unless it's been well salted, this is the time of the year that believe me, you do not run.
Also, you really don't need all the paragraphing.
"Just as Nick was about to run through the school gates, he heard a girl's voice call out from behind. "You, over there!"
Nick turned around.
"You dropped this.""
And I would describe the girl, without paragraphing, after 'you dropped this'.
Moving on...
"A girl. About as tall as Nick himself, and he wasn't a short type, but what caught Nick's attention the most was that this girl was stunning. Her hair was long and so dark that the white snow looked like it was falling away from her like Moses splits the Red Sea. Nick stared into the deep burgundy eyes that stared back at him with uncertainty."
I admit my first reaction was to giggle hysterically. Such a BAD metaphor. Plus what you're describing... uh, have you ever been in a snowstorm, just curious? Snow doesn't care what color her hair is. Snow is not going to be splitting around her just because... her hair is... long and dark.
In fact, if your hair is long and you're in a snowstorm and not wearing a touque, you're going to have to shake out your hair if it was one of those stupid 'the snow heavy and flaky and goes all STICK' snows. Which tend to happen in spring, as it's warmer then. My first thought was this probably means she's magic. I mean, why else would she be STUNNING and have METAPHORICAL DESERVING HAIR and... burgundy eyes? Seriously, what the frick. "She was as tall as Nick, and Nick wasn't a short kid--but what caught his attention the most..." Jerking out of the narrative, how old is Nick to be noticing that she's stunning... if he's 12, or even 14 he might not really care and just go all HAH HAH SHE HAD TO WALK IN THE SNOW... if he's older than that, 16-up, yeah, he might be observing her hawtness. "was that this girl was stunning. Snow stuck to her long, dark hair, flakes in her eyelashes and on her jacket. She looked like manna from heaven." Well, since you were using a Moses metaphor, in a snowfall, that's probably a more approprate one... >.> "Nick stared into her uncertain burgundy eyes."
Beyond the bad choice of metaphor/snow doesn't do that, that irked me. You were overly wording that up. Your sentence about her eyes is INSANELY long--besides the color, which irks me in a MARY SUE ALERT way, but we'll ignore that for now... it's obvious you wrote the sentence to describe her eyes. The least choppy way of doing it, I think, would've been "She stared at him with uncertainty in her deep burgundy eyes." No Nick in that one. I think it makes the point best.
The other thing that irked me about this paragraph was "A girl." Fragment. Fragments can. Be used to make a point. If they're done right. They can all too easily be done wrong. It irks me because I use them stylistically at times, to drive home a point. But you didn't need to drive home the point, you already indicated it was a girl with 'a girl's voice called out from behind'. Just cut to 'She was as tall as Nick, and he wasn't a short kid, either'. Or whatever. Cut down the unnecessary words, build up the places where more are needed. There's no harm in describing things more, but describe realistically, leave the metaphorical language behind. The beginning could've been far more descriptive. Make your paragraphs longer.
Now, from the top.
1) Beginning with the weather is not necessarily a good idea.
2) Get your facts straight, there's a reason they say 'write what you know'. Because people who do know it will notice if you get it wrong.
3) Teenage boys don't really describe girls in their head as metaphors. From the boys I know, they go WOW, SHE'S HAWT.
4) Describe more! You wrote some short, clippy dialogue... not at all unnatural for how people will react... but no dialogue tags? "You dropped this," she said. It pins the dialogue to the write person.
5) I don't know what Nick looks like, why do I need to know what she looks like? Why did she have his keys? Is this important to your story, or is this just SCHOOL DRAMA <333333 ETC? Let's see, she's a transfer student, and she has magic powers, right? Description sounds ELF to me... and if you have a magic reason for the snow parting around her, surely he'd notice this isn't normal. But especially the tall. Let's say that in theory, Nick is 16. A tall 16 year old could be over six feet tall. This could stick her at about 6 feet tall. That's TALL. I only know two women that tall, most I know are around 5'4 or 5'6... it sticks her out as an anomoly.
So yeah, I agree with you, I found it was lacking. I found some of the points where it was lacking--as I approached it as 'school drama/slice of life'--could've fit into a fantasy plot to be. You write... you're CAPABLE of writing. You can capitalize and punctuate a sentence. I don't feel that I have to work with you on that. It's simply flat. I'd need more to critique as a whole, I was limited to what I seen here and critiquing these sentences alone. It's not much, but I hope covering all this gives you SOME ideas...
By no means is it horrible. It's just not really all that exciting. NICK DROPS HIS KEYS, now playing in a theatre near you.
It's not like your foundation is terrible and it all needs to be torn out and reworked. It's more like your spices are wrong so it doesn't taste that great, and maybe if you change them it'll be better. I'd really suggest getting to a writer's site to work with other novelists/short story writers, rather than seeking critique here... not that you won't get great critique for writing here too, but writers might see something that comic script writers wouldn't... who knows. Then again, there might be more writers here too, who also draw. Just a thought.
Anyway, my final verdict is this: it'd pass class as a writing assignment but it wouldn't be getting into a magazine like this. If I was reading without critique in mind, you probably would've lost me by the end of this post. It was boring. The dialogue was 'hi' 'how's the weather' 'weathery' 'yeah'. The description wasn't anything special. Nothing special happened. Play with your descriptions more--the dialogue felt normal, I guess... not really like kids, though, it felt more like adults--like she's an adult talking, she sounded like his mom... oh, snap, is she the teacher? That'd be a twist...but it was the descriptions where it fell flat for me. Build them up, and always keep in mind all five senses, not just sight.
It's snowing. It's cold. It's spring, his sleeves are probably damp and clinging to his arms. They're bundled in jackets and mom probably forced a scarf on him and it smells musty so he took it off as soon as he was down the block. The air tastes fresh and peppy, or maybe that's just the gum he's chewing...
There's lots you can build on... if this is just a slice of life story, you NEED to build on that, as you won't have FANTASY ACTION DRAMA to save your butt. Not that I wouldn't build on it in a fantasy story either, but in that case, I'd work at getting through the slow and boring and to the ACTION DRAMA EXCITEMENT.
There you go. A critique that's probably longer than your post.
I'll keep editing this post to make it longer...
