Story!

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

Cont. of Character Descriptions ( this is going to take awhile)
Jennifer Bennet ( Jen) hobbies- soccer, reading, piano, swimming
Height-5'4
Hair color- light brown
Eye color- hazel
Lives with parents and younger brother Preston(6)
Mother's job - 5th grade teacher
Father's job- buisnessman (travels a lot)
Birthday - 1/17/87
Age- 15
Original planet- Moon
(Ryan , Victoria, Sam's family invited to stay on Moon after their planets got destroyed by the Sect (these planets were responsible for locking the Sect in their galaxy. They were told to protect Jen by her moon father )
Info- same as above
Original name-Lydia
Moon parents- Emerald, Diamond
Earth parents- Ann, Chris
Power over water (snow, ice, etc)

Victoria Adams
hobbies - listening to music ( r and b, rap, rock and roll and oldies) flute, basketball
Height-5'4
Hair color - black
Eye color- green ( which also is her favorite color besides light purple)
Lives with parents and older sister Monica (17)
Mother's job-accountant
Father's job - architect
Original planet- Mercury
Info- has not always gotten good grades, same as above
Original name- Natasha
Mercury parents- Lena. Ray
Earth parents- Katie, David
Power over Earth

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

Sam Rodgers(Jen's boyfriend)
Hobbies- chess, reading comic books, Internet
Height-5'5
Hair color- Red (not orange, red)
Eye color- green
Lives with parents, only child
Mother's job- lawyer
Father's job- doctor
Birthday- 3/14/87
Age - 15
Orginal planet - Jupiter
Info- brainy, bookworm, same as above (doesn't sound like Jen's type does he?)
Original name- Darian
Jupiter parents - Farina, Victor
Earth parents- Elizabeth, John
Power over fire

Fiona
From Venus, sent to Earth to help kids tap into their powers
26 (In earth years) 5'6 ( height)
Long blond hair, icy blue eyes, has brother that lives on moon (Rueben)
Parents died when she was 20

Rueben ( the blondhaired bonehead according to Sam)
24 5'7 ( tall ain't he?) destiny to find the moon princess (Jen). Sister's name is Fiona. Was sent to Moon because he was thought guiltly of killing parents. Same hair color as Fiona. Eyes-blue

Gemini
17(age) 5'5 ( height) little sister to Fiona and Rueben. Same hair color as Fiona and Rueben. Eye color- blusish gray(hazel) Very sweet and understanding. Went to Moon with Rueben just because she wanted to.

Pets
Belle - golden retreiver- 4 years old. Playful yet lovable ( just like my puppy Rascal) Brown eyes. Loves to taunt Sam's cat. Owner-Jen

Mimi - bird (breed unknown). Very talkative. 3 years old. Blue and yellow feathers ( is afraid of Tiger) Owner-Ryan

Princess- white rabbit . brown eyes. 3 years old. Very spoiled. Avoids the other animals. Loves carrots ( what rabbit doesn't?) Owner - Victoria (call her Vicky and you die)

Tiger- orange tabby, greenish yellow eyes, 5 years old. Has brown leather collar. Funny in a corny sort of way ( just like Sam) Owner - Sam

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

Oh no! I forgot Moonstone! Let's see what can I say about her?
Age- no ask, no tell Height- same Hair color- reddish blond Eye color- green. Got kicked out of the Sect because she failed to get Jen into the Dark Realm ( the Sect's galaxy. Somehow it reopened after it was thought locked for years) Came to Moon and fell in love with Rueben, but finds out he's in love with Jen. Now is determined to destroy him so she could get Jen in the Dark Realm without his interference. The Sect wants Jen because she's the Moon princess and they think that by kidnapping her moon father would give them the galaxy for her return to the moon.

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

I made it back to the moon thinking I has lost Jen forever. I was sitting on a grey stone wall and was just about to go inside the castle, when someone said, "you saw her didn't you?" I looked up and saw a girl with reddish blond hair and green eyes standing in front of me. "Yes," I said. "I did." Moonstone smiled and said. "My dear Rueben when you will you learn that you're wasting your time when she obsivously doesn't love you?" "Because she's different than you Moonstone." "She wouldn't destroy someone just because they were interfering in her relationship." "Right," said Moonstone. "Which makes her an angel and me the devil." "Rueben don't you realize that you have nothing to gain from all this." "You're only going to get hurt by it." "I know but you can't stop me from seeing her," I said as I got up from the wall, walked up to the wooden castle door, opened it and went inside. "That's what you think," Moonstone as she threw back her head and laughed.

[Kaiser-chan]

I know that this is /really/ off topic, but someone had a really cool signature that had a quote from something that looked HP, but I don't see it anymore anywhere. x_x;; Can whoever had it tell me what it said, cuz I wanted to read it but forgot.

[Kaiser-chan]

I know that this is /really/ off topic, but someone had a really cool signature that had a quote from something that looked HP, but I don't see it anymore anywhere. x_x;; Can whoever had it tell me what it said, cuz I wanted to read it but forgot. (btw, sorry if this gets posted twice, I got an error and didn't see it on the page, but I might be wrong.)
... ::Takes winamp off random skin mode:: Utena did /not/ let the cows out!

[Kaiser-chan]

I know that this is /really/ off topic, but someone had a really cool signature that had a quote from something that looked HP, but I don't see it anymore anywhere. x_x;; Can whoever had it tell me what it said, cuz I wanted to read it but forgot. (btw, sorry if this gets posted twice, I got an error and didn't see it on the page, but I might be wrong.)
... ::Takes winamp off random skin mode:: Utena did /not/ let the cows out!

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

Are you talking about Tai's sig? The one about Draco being in the Gffryndor common room. If so it's in the topic called Band of the Undead.
If that's not the sig you're talking about then I don't know which one you're talking about. (sorry)

[Kas]

Some constructive criticism, since I also like to write (but usually run out of time/patience to finish):

I would suggest paying more attention and describing in more detail things like environmental details and character description (phyical, such as clothes, hair, 'assets', what have you). It's time-consuming, but it helps build the atmosphere of the story better. Hell, you can even include the little squeak of the gate when it is opened.

Also, and I realise that you probably don't have room for it in your forum box, each line of dialogue should be on it's own line. But I'm sure you know that. I just notice it's easier to follow conversations when this is done.

I don't know if this pertains to the story style, but adding in personal recollection of characters when they are mentioned in passing is sometimes done as well. Such as, when so-and-so is mentioned (since we don't know who they are), the the character we are following might have a few paragraphs of background memory to provide to the audience so we aren't so lost as to the characters' identity. But hell, even I like to keep people guessing sometimes, so you might not want this!

It seems kinda corny mentioning the 'super hero' thing so obviously like that...it might help to describe more of what happened without using overused terms like that.

And don't try to rush through the story. I've read books where a fight scene spanned four or more pages, and that's just swordplay type of stuff (i.e. Salvatore books).

Other than that, it looks pretty good. I hope this didn't come off as negative, but I just thought I might throw a bit of wisdom from the days when I had time to read and write books. Keep at it! I'll be back to read more after my exams are over!

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

Urgh! Everbody's post is coming up three times. If you just press Submit once it will usually post the message the first time. What I've been doing is press submit, and after making sure the hourglass is there click the x at the top of the screen and then click on the internet icon go back to the forum and your topic and it most likely be there. Yes It takes a while but i't's worked for me. Now on with my as of yet unamed story. *turns to dracoboy and Jojo* Do either one of your have any ideas for a title?

I lay awake, memories of tonight running through my head. I remembered the sad look on Rueben's face and it nearly broke my heart.
It was not that I did not like Rueben. I just did not feel the same way about him. I wish I had told him my true feeling though. He had been nothing but nice to me and I shunned him as if he was of no importance to me. He had risked his life for me and I have done nothing for him in return. I had to make it up him somehow. I just did not know how.

I went to the window and stared at the moon. I closed my eyes and an image came to my mind. I was in a ballroom with a beautiful glass chandlier hanging from the ceiling. I was wearing a flowing white gown and was dancing with Rueben ( who by the way looked very handsome is his white suit with gilt (gold) lethrils on the top and long blue cape which set off his eyes). He held me in his arms and was whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a woman on the steps with long red and glowing green eyes, wearing a dress of violet silk.
She pulled out a wand and before I could save him, there was a flash of blinding white light, and Rueben was on the floor lifeless and pale. I had bent down and tried to use my healing powers to save him. However it was no use. The one that I had loved was dead(we figured out later that his killer was Enchantra leader of the Sect). That same night my parents put a spell on Ryan, Sam, Victoria, and me and sent us to Earth to be reborn. We did not remember anything from our past lives until we found out that my birthstone ring had the power to show us the past. With the ring, we figured out that we were royalty and the future leaders of our own planets. (Rueben was also reborn and suprisingly remembers everything from his past live.)

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

The first time I met Rueben on earth was the day we figured out super powers. He said that he was Fiona's brother (see cha. des.) and he had something to tell her. Victoria and I toke him to our hideout and left him there. All the way home Victoria kept jumping up and down and chanting.
"He's a moon boy! He's a moon boy!" I smiled at the memory. Victoria was very funny when it came to boys. She would be in a good mood the whole day when a boy would just say hello to her. I went back to sleep and closed my eyes.

I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning, Moonstone's laughter ringing in my ears. Her face kept showing up in my dreams. She kept saying things like, "Rue-ben can't you see I want you?"
"Can't you see that I love you?"
"Forget her Rueben."
"You're my pet now."
"Hmm you're so cute when you're sleeping."
"Has she ever told you this?"
"I don't think so."
"Kiss me Rueben you know you want to."
"No!" I shouted jumping up, sweat rolling down my face. The door opened and my sister Gemini came into the room. "Rueben are you okay?" her innocent 19 year old voice asked. "Gemini!" I said surprised.
"Rueben tell me what's wrong. I'm worried about you." she said anxisously. "It's Moonstone," I gasped. "She's haunting me again."
"We have to tell the king and queen." "We have too .They have a right to know." she pleaded.
"They have enough to worry about," I said. "What with their daughter being in love and all." Gemini's eyes widened. "Jen's in love?" she asked.
"With who?" "Oh Rueben please tell it's you." I laughed. "Sorry to disapoint you little sister, but it's not." "It's Sam," I added jealously. "You mean Jen's in love with Sam?" "But you're the one who saved her life."
"Yeah well Sam did most of the saving." I replied.
"If it weren't for him, Jen would love me." "Rueben you don't understand,"
Gemini said. "Jen loves you. Sam's just getting in the way of that."

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

Ugh! They deleted it ! Stupid Computer. Forget the aforsaid advice it doesn't always work. Okay I quess I'll have to write it again.
The first time I met Rueben on earth was the day we figured out that we had superpowers. He said that he was Fiona's brother and he had something to tell her. Victoria and I toke to him to our hideout and left him there. All the way home. Victoria kept jumping up and down and chanting, "He's a moon boy! He's a moon boy!" I smiled at the memory. Victoria was very funny when it came to boys. She would be in a good mood the whole day when a boy would just say hello to her. I went back to sleep and closed my eyes.

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

The first time I met Rueben on earth was the day we figured out that we had superpowers. He said that he was Fiona's brother and that he had something to tell her. Victoria and I toke him to our hideout and left him there. All the way home, Victoria kept jumping up and down chanting "He's a moon boy! He's a moonboy!" I smiled at the memory. Victoria was very funny when it came to boys. She would be in a good mood the whole day if a boy would just say hello to her. I went back to sleep and closed my eyes.

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

The first time I met Rueben on earth was the day we figured out that we had superpowers. He said that he was Fiona's brother and he had something to tell her. Victoria and I toke him to our hideout and left him there. All the way home Victoria kept jumping up and dowm and chanting,"He's a moon boy!" "He's a moon boy!" I smiled at the memory.
Victoria was very funny when it came to boys. She would be in a good mood the whole day if a boy would just say hi to her. I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

Forget the advice. It doesn't work. I know because i tried to post my story about four times and it deleted the story every time. I'll try to post more this afternoon.

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

Forget the advice. It doesn't work. I know because i tried to post my story about four times and it deleted the story every time. I'll try to post more this afternoon.

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

Forget the advice. It doesn't work. I know because i tried to post my story about four times and it deleted the story every time. I'll try to post more this afternoon.

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

Forget the advice. It doesn't work. I know because i tried to post my story about four times and it deleted the story every time.

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

The first time I met Rueben on earth was the day we figured out we had super powers. He said that he was Fiona's brother and he had something to tell her. Victoria and I left him at our hideout and left him there. All the way home Victoria kept jumping up and down chanting, "he's a moon boy! He's a moonboy!" I smiled at the memory. Victoria was very funny when it came to boys. She would be in a good mood the whole day when a boy would just say hello to her. I closed my eyes, and went back to sleep.

[ZOMBIE USER 12747]

The first time I met Rueben on earth was the day we figured out we had super powers. He said that he was Fiona's brother and he had something to tell her. Victoria and I left him at our hideout and left him there. All the way home Victoria kept jumping up and down chanting, "he's a moon boy! He's a moonboy!" I smiled at the memory. Victoria was very funny when it came to boys. She would be in a good mood the whole day when a boy would just say hello to her. I closed my eyes, and went back to sleep.