by Tbolt on Fri Oct 27, 2006 3:33 am
Hmmm, it looks like the 'mallows and Claxxyl the Soapdish have completed their ceremony, as I now see a Marshmallow peep slowly melting into the grill...
* sniff *
Ahh, nothing like the scent of cooking meat and burnt confectionaries! =^^=
Alright, I may regret this, but I'll go back to Wierd Al for Chapter 6's theme... =^^;;
Trigger Happy
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel alright
Got an Uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night
There's no feeling any greater
Than to shoot first and ask questions later
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Well, you can't take my guns away, I got a constitutional right
Yeah, I gotta be ready if the Commies attack us tonight
I'll blow their brains out with my Smith and Wesson
That ought to teach them all a darn good lesson
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
(Oh yeah, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh I'm so)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away
Oh, I accidently shot daddy last night in the den
I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again
Now why'd you have to get so mad?
It was just a lousy flesh wound, Dad
You know, I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
Oh, I still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet
Little Fluffy took a round, better take him to the vet
I filled that kitty cat so full of lead
We'll have to use him for a pencil instead
Well, I'm so trigger happy, trigger happy every day
(Oh yeah, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh I'm so)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away
Come on and grab your ammo
What have you got to lose?
We'll all get liquored up
And shoot at anything that moves
Got a brand new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight
Oh, I'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight
I always keep a Magnum in my trunk
You better ask yourself, do you feel lucky, punk?
Because I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
(Oh yeah, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh baby, I'm)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
(Oh I'm so)trigger, trigger happy
Yes I'm trigger, trigger happy
Better watch out, punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away
Chapter 6: Don’t Try this at Home...
Maternal instincts still proved top priority in Sarah’s mind. Once the bear was diverted she bolted into her house to comfort her terrified children. Whomever, or whatever had distracted the bear had her gratitude, but the safety of her children took top priority. In short order the door was locked and bolted and Sarah had her precious charges in her arms.
“What’s gonna happen to us?”
“I don’t wanna get eaten!”
“Shhh, dears, it’s all right, someone called the bear away he won’t bother us again.” Sarah kissed each child on the forehead. “I hope!” she prayed.
The dim predawn light gave way to the brilliant rays of a clear blue morning. Trajan wedged himself between two branches trying to figure out exactly what to do. The scent of the big bear permeated the air around him making him feel a little queasy. The cumbersome boomslang strapped to his back made it next to impossible to get into a comfortable position.
“Stupid, heavy thing, I should just... Ohhh, my brains must still be addled” he thought. “Time to do your job, girl.” He unslung the massive firearm and commenced the procedure of loading and priming. The difficulty of the task increased due to the darkness in the tree, so he needed to wait until enough light from the early morning sun filtered through the leaves to allow him to see his work.
The noise and motion in the tree roused the bear’s curiosity and it looked up and sniffed the air in Trajan’s direction.
“The bear is still out there, he has someone up a tree!” Pointed out Thom, excitedly.
Trajan lowered the boomslang’s muzzle. He couldn’t use his firing harness because of tree limbs in the way. It was the most awkward aiming position he had ever taken in his life, his legs were on one branch, his torso draped around another and he could barely grip the boomslang in his paws. He could scarcely get his eye over the barrel, let alone the butt stock in his shoulder. “Come on you overgrown keg of lard I got a nice surprise for you!”
“Look, it’s reaching up into the tree, I can’t watch!” Karen turned away.
“Mommy can’t you go out and help them? They helped us?” pleaded Thom.
The bear stood on its hind legs raising its snout towards the thing that descended from the tree.
“There you go my big stupid friend, take a nice long sniff.”
With a roar like thunder the boomslang lived up to its name and discharged point blank into the bear’s face. Trajan fell backwards out of the tree from the recoil. He landed hard on his back in the leaf litter below. The last thing he saw was the massive firearm sailing down to buttstroke him to the head.
“What was that, thunder?”
“Something fell out of the tree, was it hit by lightening?”
Sarah and her children continued to watch the scene to see if anything further happened.
“The bear isn’t moving, is it dead?”
After several minutes of nothing happening, the boy began to get impatient. “We can’t stay in here forever, mom”
“Just a little while longer, Thom”
“But,..”
“No back talk, young man!” Sara snapped.
The disgruntled youth drew away from the window and crossed the house to the other side. While his mother and sister were still watching the back of the house, he quietly opened another window and slipped outside.
Sarah and Karen were still glued to the window when a third figure came into view. In a moment Sarah’s heart froze when she recognized who it was, a chill draft from the open window behind her confirmed her fears. She tore open the bolt and threw open the door. “Thom, get back here now!”
The little boy ignored his mother and proceeded to the woodline. Sarah ran to catch her wayward son, quickly followed by Karen who refused to be left alone. Thom reached the tree first, spurred by boyish curiosity, and a little raw terror at the impending wrath of mom.
The view of carnage genuinely impressed the little boy and sickened him just a bit. The bear lay on its side facing away from the tree. The boomslang did its work with gruesome efficiency. The round drove red furrow along the top of the bear’s muzzle and took the creature between its eyes making a third “eye” in the middle of its forehead. The gaping exit wound at the back of the bear’s head was even more horrific.
Sarah caught Thom as he stood transfixed by the sight. He did not resist as she turned him away. Karen could not bring herself to look at the bear at all, but was instead fixated on the other body laying at the base of the tree.
“Mom? There’s a furry little man here!” said Karen.
“What?” Sarah had never seen a rac-conan before, but she had heard stories of the magical woodland creatures who cast spells upon unsuspecting villagers.
“Come away from it, Karen, it might be dangerous!”
Karen looked down at the unconscious creature. “But he’s cute!”
Cute!? Sarah looked dubiously at the disheveled bundle of grey fur, clothing, and gear. “He looks downright scruffy and disreputable to me” she thought. The patch over the creature’s right eye gave it a decidedly unsavory flair, she thought.
Now it was Thom’s turn to intervene. “I think he’s hurt... We can’t just leave him here, can we?”
Sarah sighed in exasperation. Superstitions, or no, the little creature had probably saved their lives, so they owed it that much. She looked a little more closely at Trajan. He was indeed injured, his scalp was split and blood matted the fur on his head.
“We will help this creature, Thom, but I want you and Karen to gut and clean this bear. There’s a lot of good meat here and we don’t want it to go to waste. That hide will make a nice warm blanket this winter.”
“But...” the children began to protest.
“No buts about it. This work has to be done. Autumn is here and winter will be upon us sooner than you think. This job won’t wait.”
Sarah lifted Trajan in her arms like he was a large child, taking care to cradle his head. She carried him back to the cabin and laid him down in her bed. She had been heating water for morning cooking, but now it would be used to clean the creature’s wounds.
Always tell the truth, that way you don't have to remember anything. -- Mark twain