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[Jim North]

'scuse my ignorance, but wtf is a wiffle bat?

i'm having images of the simpsons in dr marvin munroe's office beating each other - before they took the foam bits off

would i be right?

Nope. A wiffle bat is a hollow plastic bat used to hit a wiffle ball, which is one of these little suckers:



Wiffle ball (like basketball, the name is used for the equipment as well as the game) is played much like baseball, except it's much much safer for little kiddos to play since both the ball and the bat couldn't be expected to do more than slightly stun a fly if thrown or swung at full strength.

The bats can sure sting like hell, though. So it's more for when you want to torture someone until they've gone insane rather than actually damage them physically.

[JexKerome]

Well, if it's slow death what we're going for, how about the death of the thousand cuts, or that other one with the drops of water (forgot the name)?

[Komiyan]

Chinese water toture? I think that just sends you crazy, not dead.

[Rkolter]

You guys have it all wrong.

Now, I came up with this idea WAY before Pulp Fiction popularized it, but what you really need is to tie the guy down, and go at him with a small pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

*rip*
*cauterize*
*rip*
*cauterize*
*rip*
*cauterize*
...

Another good torture from a book whose name I've long forgotten: tie him down, feed him food with microscopic fishooks in it.

Place a large electromagnet in the ceiling, and wire it to a button.

Charge a buck per press to let someone push the button (in the book he hired a deaf housemaid who answers the door, and rigged the magnet to the doorbell).

*push*
*fishooks twist and align*
*horrid screaming*
*release*
...


You could shave his flesh off - if you heat a knife until it's red-hot, you can cut through flesh like butter, and cauterize the wound behind. Carve him into a variety of interesting shapes!

Lastly, you could kill him quickly, butcher the body, then offer to cater the funeral...

Anyhow, I'm surpised at the lot of you - comic artists should have much worse imaginations than my own.

[Rkolter]

Hand drills with 1/32" bits...

Rasps dipped in salt water...

Deliberate covering of all flesh in superglue...

Make him double-jointed - break all his fingers and rock the bones back and forth until instead of healing, they form new joints (this really does happen).

Ten thousand lashings, followed by dipping in habanero juice.

Rub juicy grapefruit into his eyes.

Roman Torture: Insert a glass tube in his uh... wee wee, and then pulverize it and grind it into the shaft. Then forcefeed him water. The injury will never heal properly and he will eventually die of an infection.

Stake him out in a desert and forget about him.

...

Wow, these are coming to me fast and furious. I'll need several illicit porn traders and some tools...

[Beyonder_alpha]

Hang person upside down with iron cable to suffocate the feet until they become of no further use, let goo run from ceiling unto him with an extremely mild acid in it. project downward stripes on the walls to make it feel like he's constantly falling. Play loud music at irregular lenghty intervals filled with old pornography sounds and play pornography tapes on the floor to keep the person alert and make him suffer more.
If the videotapes stop, resort to viagra injections.
Slowly fill room with marijuana to suffocate said victim + give mild hallucinations. Then after several days clean the entire room, give the guy enough hope, wait until he cries tears of joy and then get out a chainsaw and cleave him right in half. You gotta have some fun too right ?
Anyway, this is the first I could come up with, given time I'm sure I'd find some more, but don't have enough time these days....

[The Neko]

Make someone watch Teletubbies a la "Clockwork Orange".

[YarpsDat]

in the book he hired a deaf housemaid who answers the door, and rigged the magnet to the doorbell

Does not compute.


A cruel death?
I'm lazy, I'll just have someone else do it: transport the intended victim to some god-forgotten village, prefferably in some foreign country so he can't reason with the locals.
Find a house with some little kids, and borrow the kids for a couple of days, leave the guy in their room, cover him in blood, surround him with meat (animal) pieces, and glue a big knife to his hand.
Then watch the parents interrogate him. After a day or two return the kids.
Rinse (in blood) and repeat if necessary.

Cut the flesh and bones, and then let it heal in new, interesting forms(kinda like extreme plastic surgery). I think you can make something hardly resembling human in a couple of years. Then give him to a government agency for examination, as an extra-terrestial creature.

Implant a radio receiver in his skull, and whisper awfull things to him. Make him paranoid, and eventually make him commit a ritual suicide.

[Rkolter]

in the book he hired a deaf housemaid who answers the door, and rigged the magnet to the doorbell

Does not compute.

Well, consider it. A home is obviously well lived in, there's a car in the garage, smoke from the chimney. You come to the door and ring the bell. No response.

What do you do?

Ring again. And maybe again after that. If you heard someone inside and they seemed to be deliberately ignoring you, you might hold the button down for a long time.

With the electromagnet wired to the doorbell... the angrier the person at the door got, the more the victim hurt.

[YarpsDat]

Oh.
The way you phrased I understood that he hired a deaf housemaid to answer the door.
But since he hired her not to answer the door, but to do anything but that, that's reasonable now.