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Post 'em here! Let's get a collection started. Only give one joke per post.

Here's Mine... it's old but good.

Three explorers were captured by a tribe of headhunters. The chief came to their hut and said, "You have two choices. Death, or Baamatu. You will decide in the morning."

That next morning, the guards grab one of the explorers and toss him out to face the entire gathered village. "DEATH? Or BAAMATU?" shouts the Chief.

"Baamatu. It can't be as bad as death." the explorer says.

"BAAMATU!" The chief shouts! The crowd cheers! The explorer is stripped naked and screwed in the butt by every male member of the tribe. Then, he is let go.

The Chief orders another prisoner out. "DEATH or BAAMATU?" He shouts.

"That's horrid... but I don't want to die... baamatu." he says in a small voice.

"BAAMATU!" The chief shouts and everyone cheers. He too gets the rough, very intimate treatment.

Finally the third prisoner is brought out. "DEATH? Or BAAMATU?" The chief shouts.

"I'll take death. That's just too awful to suffer." The man explains.

"DEATH!" shouts the chief. "...by BAAMATU!"

Ok, this ones pretty long...

Heaven was getting crowded, so they decided to make it a rule that you can only get into heaven if you had a bad day when you died.

The first guy comes up, they tell him the new rule, and he say,
"Boy did I! I came home from my 14 hour graveyard shift to find my wife standing around suprised, sweaty, and wearing lingerie (can't spell it ) So I tear around the house looking for the b@stard, when I go out on the balcony. The @sshole has the nerve to hide by hanging off the ledge! I stomped his fingers till he let go, but after the 7 story fall, he lands in a dumpster! So I went into the apartment, got the fridge, and pushed it off the balcony onto him. I was so happy I died laughing!"

"Holy crap!" said the Angel at the gate, and he let him in.

The next guy comes up, they tell him the rule, and he goes,
"Hell yeah I did! I was using my treadmill on my 8th floor apartment, when it messed up and flung me off the balcony! I managed to catch the ledge of the balcony below me, when this guy stomped my fingers! I fell 7 stories, and landed in a dumpster. I was pretty hurt, but I was still alive. Then the @ss pushed his fridge off the ledge, and it killed me."

"Gawd d@mn!" said the Angel, and he let him in.

Just then, Bill Clinton walks up to the pearly gates.

"Mr. President, what happened?" asked the Angel.

Said Bill,

"Its the strangest thing... I was hiding in this fridge..."


and there ya go.

One day there is a family sitting around a son who is terribly sick.

The doctor walks in and tells them, "I'm sorry, he needs a brain transplant."

Assuming the worst, one man asks, "How much is it for a brain?"

The doctor grimly answers, "$10,000 for a male brain and $3,000 for a female brain."

The men in the room snicker. Finally, one asks, "Why is it more money for a male brain and less for a female brain?"

"Simple", the doctor answered, "we have to mark down the prices of brains that have been used."


Old but still kickin'.

The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastards were. She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted both answers and went on his way.

The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut himself and said "Shit!" Well once again, the boy started asking questions and asked what "shit" was. The father told him that it was "shaving cream". The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs were his mom was stuffing a turkey. When the mom cut herself with a knife, she said "Fuck!" The boy once again asked what "fuck" was. She told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, the door bell rang.

When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents. Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards. Let me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs putting shit on his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

And of course, a classic...


An eskimo goes into a shop to get his snowmobile repaired. The mechanic looks at it, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The eskimo says, "No, no, thats just frost on my mustache."

When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents. Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards. Let me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs putting shit on his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

LMAO!

Here we go, this one's clean.

A snail slithers into a car dealership. After a few minutes of looking around he clears his throat. He has to do this a lot, because sales reps don't sell many cars to snails. Finally, one comes over.

"Yes sir, may I help you?"
"Yeah, I wanna buy a corvette." the snail responds.
"Of... course sir."

So the rep runs the snails credit, and low and behold, it comes back with five stars. This snail has the best credit the man's ever seen. Seeing the look on the rep's face, the snail says,

"I want some changes done to that car. First, I want you to raise the seat and the pedals so I can actually use them. Second, I want you to airbrush a huge 'S' on the hood of the car."

The rep ponders this a moment. "I can see why you want the seat and pedals raised, but what's with the S?"

"Well," said the snail, "That way when I'm racing by people blowing off their doors, they'll say to themselves, "Woah, look at that Escargot!"

Here's a two-parter from a joke book I own..

Q: Why should you never go into the jungle between 4 and 5 on Thursday afternoons?

A: Because that's when the elephants are jumping out of the trees.


Q: Why are pygmies so short?

A: Because they went into the jungle between 4 and 5 on Thursday afternoons.

Superman's looking for some ass, and he thinks Wonder Woman's pretty hot. He decides to ask Batman how to get her in the sack, and Batman tells him to forget it, because it would make things too awkward between them afterwards.

Superman agrees reluctantly (he so desparate) and decides to just go..."flog the log."

One day he's flying around and he sees Wonder Woman on her back, all spread out, and naked and he thinks, "Well, since I'm faster than the speed of light I could just pop down there, do the deed, then fly back up and she wouldn't know what hit her."

So he flies down, sexes her up, and flies away.

Wonder Woman looked around and said, "What was THAT?!"

And the Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts."

A guy comes to a town and walks the left side of the street.
Someone asks: "You're new here, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Well, this side of the street is for black people only. The other side is fot white people."
So from then on he walks the other side. He comes into a restaurant. Someone asks:
"Are you new here?"
"Yes."
"Well, this restaurant is for blacks only. The place next to this is for whites."
So he goes to another restaurant, has lunch, and after that, he goes to cinema and walks into a parter. Someone asks:
"Are you new here?"
"Yes."
"Parter is for blacks, balcony is for whites."
He goes to a balcony. In the middle of the show, he has to piss. He asks someone:
"Where is WC?"
"Are you new here?"
"Yes."
"Well, piss right down there, where blacks are."
He does so. Then someone from above asks:
"Are you new here?"
"Yes."
"Well, make waves!"

Ugh. Not really translatable.

...

What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect ten?

Two Five year olds!

Badazing!

Knock knock?

Who's there?

*looks around*

Err.... computer!

Computer who?

*looks around again*

Um... COMPUTER DOG!!


heh....

...anyway


A man goes shopping for a gun. The man is also interested in a scope for the gun. The store owner says, "My house is on that hill, you can use the scope and you can see it just right." The man looks through the scope and sees the house, "Um, I'd hate to tell you this, but your wife is cheating on you with another man." The store owner gets really upset and mad as we all would be. He then tell the guy, "If you use that scope with this sniper rifle to shoot her head off and his dick off, I will give you the gun, the scope, and ammunition for free if you do it in 2 shots." The man looks through the scope again and says, "I think I can do it in one."

I think it's from some movie.

BTW, mcDuff... we know the jokes usualy don't translate well, and we know that if you have to explain it's not really that funny... but you could still try explaining.

Hey, what has two legs and bleeds?
.
.
.
.
.
Half a dog!

[You misogynist jerks!]

That reminds me of one.....


One time a dog was careless, and got run over on the road. Its left side was completely gone. The owner didn't seem very worried, so his friend asked, "What happened? Aren't you concerned about your dog? Will he be okay?"
The owner shrugged and said, "Nah, he's all right."

Think about it

Heh... Mmm, reminds me of the two extremely old jokes I churn out everytime this thread comes a knocking:

Two nuns in the bath, one says to the other "Where's the soap?" to which the other replies "Yes, yes it does doesn't it?"

SOOOOOO OLLLLD!
And then one just as old!

Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian underwear?
Chernobyl fallout.

Blagh.

LAGtheNoggin wrote: Two nuns in the bath, one says to the other "Where's the soap?" to which the other replies "Yes, yes it does doesn't it?"

Don't get that one...

Well. My fave blonde joke:

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said,
"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, he is passing the swamp when he suddenly spots the young woman in in a brown fedora hat, messy hair, tattered clothing, mud smeared accross her face standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
He stops the car and gets out wondering what the dickens she could be up to.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. He frantically panics and is about to shout out to her when she suddenly turns around takes aim, and skillfully kills the creature. She grabs it by the tail and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank where, lying nearby, is a huge pile of several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper, dumbfounded, watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"