Livejournal Thread 4: Can't kill what's already dead inside

[VeryCuddlyCornpone]

Well thanks to extra shifts at work lately (which I actually need so can't complain too much) and now a bit of a cold, I've fallen behind schedule again.

The cold is the worse part, I'm trying to ink tonight but everytime I lean over my nose runs like a tap

Nooo!! feel better schoob.

Ever had a bloody nose on a drawing before? That's good for a freakout

[RobboAKAscooby]

Nooo!! feel better schoob.

Thanks Cuddly

Ever had a bloody nose on a drawing before? That's good for a freakout

No but I have ruined a couple of pics when I haven't realised my hand was bleeding.

[McDuffies]

Don't get me started on that time I didn't notice I had a gaping chest wound.

[Warren]

Don't get me started on that time I didn't notice I had a gaping chest wound.

All that effort to do something nice for you and you didn't even notice!

*cries*

[McDuffies]

Nice? I had to bite three passengers to make up for the lost blood!

[Warren]

See, indirectly I even made you dinner.

[MariaAndMichelle]

You don't appreciate anything, McDuffies.

[McDuffies]

But mooooom!!!

[MariaAndMichelle]

No! You're just as bad as buildings! Go to your room!

[McDuffies]

grumble gramble

[Warren]

I heard that!!!

You keep it up, I'll give you something to cry about!

[VeryCuddlyCornpone]

I need help. Things that should only be small setbacks are like knock-you-off-the-horse-huge setbacks to me. A few weeks ago I got in touch with a career agency to get some counseling, and they took down all my info and said the lady in charge would call me back within a week or two. I was so ready and so pumped and so excited, but then as the weeks went on and she never called back, all that ambition just totally evaporated and I'm back to feeling like unmotivated crap as I was before, so badly that *I can't even work up the whatever to call the place back up and try again.*

Also I'm back to being tired all the time, and for like a week and a half now I've been unable to fall asleep at night until really early in the morning, no matter how tired I am when I go to bed. Like there's this anxiety that is just jumping around inside in a way I haven't consistently had in a LONG time. Like I'd have nights here or there when I didn't sleep, okay, whatever, but now it seems like it's like becoming a pattern and I really don't want it.

Things were looking so good for a while there, too. Back to square one!! Back to the downward spiral!

[RobboAKAscooby]

Aww, Cuddly, that totally sucks.
Hope you can find yourself in a better place again soon.

[McDuffies]

I need help. Things that should only be small setbacks are like knock-you-off-the-horse-huge setbacks to me. A few weeks ago I got in touch with a career agency to get some counseling, and they took down all my info and said the lady in charge would call me back within a week or two. I was so ready and so pumped and so excited, but then as the weeks went on and she never called back, all that ambition just totally evaporated and I'm back to feeling like unmotivated crap as I was before, so badly that *I can't even work up the whatever to call the place back up and try again.*

Also I'm back to being tired all the time, and for like a week and a half now I've been unable to fall asleep at night until really early in the morning, no matter how tired I am when I go to bed. Like there's this anxiety that is just jumping around inside in a way I haven't consistently had in a LONG time. Like I'd have nights here or there when I didn't sleep, okay, whatever, but now it seems like it's like becoming a pattern and I really don't want it.

Things were looking so good for a while there, too. Back to square one!! Back to the downward spiral!

I'm sad to see all that Cuddly. If anyone deserves a better deal in life, it's you.
There's a lot of my personal life and history that I rarely talk about online, sufficient to say I'm very familiar with how you feel. When it comes to losing motivation to fight further, the only real way to deal with it that ever worked for me was - to just force myself to do things that I didn't feel like, to plan ahead and to try to stick to it despite how low on morale I was.

I don't know whether one honestly motivate himself. I for one could never pump myself with fake enthusiasm. A better principle for me was just to get used to doing things that I knew I had to do, despite how little enthusiasm I had for them. It's all part of this nasty business that is the real world - you do things that have to be done, whether you feel like it or not.

Sometimes good things are really just one gesture (in your case, maybe one phone call) away. Which is something you know even if you may not feel it.
So basically, please call the agency, bug them every day if needed. Make yourself a schedule of when you're gonna call them (or when you're gonna do anything that might help) and try to stick to it - just don't fall under that "oh, I'll do it when I feel better" spell.

Sorry if I sound like lecturing... it's the only way I've managed to deal with that kind of stuff, and I've had my share of those situations and I'm not the most responsible or assertive person in the world either. And probably every self-help guru would scream at me right now.
(It also helped when I had a person whose responsibility was to ask me about my progress, which would make me embarrassed if I didn't make any.)

I had troubles sleeping whenever my life was in a real dead-end, and I'd keep myself up all night thinking about my situation. That's why for a while I was sleeping with tv on. But the only way I knew how to deal with it was going to sleep a bit later every night, waiting until I was really so sleepy I knew I'd fall asleep right away... which was really a bad idea because it messed up my biorhythm and made dealing with issues much harder.
Sleeping problems were eventually gone when I managed to move on with my life.

[VeryCuddlyCornpone]

Thanks Schoob, thanks McDuffies. <3

I don't know whether one honestly motivate himself. I for one could never pump myself with fake enthusiasm. A better principle for me was just to get used to doing things that I knew I had to do, despite how little enthusiasm I had for them. It's all part of this nasty business that is the real world - you do things that have to be done, whether you feel like it or not.

This is a lesson I learn seemingly every week. And I'll get on a roll where I'm okay doing those niggling little tasks that go along with being an adult. I'll be perfectly okay and then something comes along and disrupts whatever it is that allows me to keep doing that, and suddenly finding the motivation- not even the excitement, but just literally the physiological energy to reach over and touch the phone- is impossible.

I had troubles sleeping whenever my life was in a real dead-end, and I'd keep myself up all night thinking about my situation. That's why for a while I was sleeping with tv on. But the only way I knew how to deal with it was going to sleep a bit later every night, waiting until I was really so sleepy I knew I'd fall asleep right away... which was really a bad idea because it messed up my biorhythm and made dealing with issues much harder.
Sleeping problems were eventually gone when I managed to move on with my life.

Yup yup. That's kind of what it seems to be now. I know for instance that ones the school year picks up again and I have to go sub a bunch of days out of the week, I'll get into a better habit. It just sucks because with the sun rising so early right now, it's much easier to wake up at weird gross morning hours than it is the rest of the year where you might as well be getting up in the middle of the night. Another situation where I was doing really well because I was waking up early to tend my neighbor's garden and feed her cats, and then I went to visit my boyfriend and his schedule and the warmness in his house made it impossible for me to sleep at all, which set a pattern that has continued through the two weeks since.



I'll give you all some good news I forgot to update on the day it happened- I guess about six hours after I made that post, and after a whole day of stomping around feeling sorry for myself, I'd been outside reading and came into my room and saw that I had a missed call and a voicemail. It was the lady from the place!! I called her back and now have an appointment set up for next week. The waiting and the pit of despair I fell into still seem to have dented the original enthusiasm I felt, but I feel much better now that I know I'm "in" to go see her. I've started meandering mentally around something I think I'd like to pursue so I'm going to talk to her about it.

And I'm not going to beat myself up over "how many years of school it will take" or any of the other self-defeating nonsense I usually start ruminating on.


*siiiigh* So things are tentatively looking up right now, thank goodness. It's just like- I want to be a grown up. I'm about to turn 24. I am okay with shedding my adolescence and just being a regular grown up now. Everyone I grew up with, including people younger than me, gives the impression they're already there. I know it doesn't actually suck to be a grown up as much as teenage me thought it would. I just feel like it's so hard for me to work up the whatever to get grown-up shit taken care of that it becomes *impossible* if I reach any outside-influence obstacle.

Hugs to you guys, thanks. <3

[McDuffies]

Hurrah!

[VeryCuddlyCornpone]

Here's an update- I went to my first appointment with the career lady and we worked out something of an outline of a plan for me. This week I have two workshops to go to, so hopefully those will be helpful. It felt good going to talk with her- I mean, it wasn't like the whole burden was off my shoulders or anything like that but it's nice to have someone to talk to who now knows most of my story and desired outcomes and can help me plan to achieve goals.


I wish I could figure out why I've been so tired, though. I'm sure part of it is diet but I haven't really changed what I've been eating. The last time I went to go for a run I had to take a shortcut and reduce the length to about half of what I normally do because I just didn't have the energy to even walk the full route. And when I was in the store the other day buying clothes, I can usually make it all the way around the store with the clothes draped over my arm but again, had to stop at the halfway point to try on and then get the other half of the store in the second pass. It's weird because it's really a LETHARGY as opposed to just the kind of tired you get when you overworked a muscle or something, almost like the feeling of after you've been sick and just feel wiped out.

Last time I went to the doctor they didn't see anything and the blood work was all normal so I guess it still just comes back to diet :/

Who knows, maybe this time around it's just the anxiety really taking its toll. I know McDuffies you just mentioned in the other post about how it can be hard to get a good night's sleep when there's the "where do I go now" anxiety. I've never felt long-term stress before, I mean I'd have a night here or there where I couldn't calm my brain down because I was excited about something, but now it's definitely an ongoing anxiety.

Different people have told me (better worded variations of) relax, don't stress, have faith that you'll get where you need to be and that everything will be okay. And like, it's easier said than done, especially when I don't even know how to GET to where I need to be, let alone where that even IS.

[MariaAndMichelle]

Here's an update- I went to my first appointment with the career lady and we worked out something of an outline of a plan for me. This week I have two workshops to go to, so hopefully those will be helpful. It felt good going to talk with her- I mean, it wasn't like the whole burden was off my shoulders or anything like that but it's nice to have someone to talk to who now knows most of my story and desired outcomes and can help me plan to achieve goals.


I wish I could figure out why I've been so tired, though. I'm sure part of it is diet but I haven't really changed what I've been eating. The last time I went to go for a run I had to take a shortcut and reduce the length to about half of what I normally do because I just didn't have the energy to even walk the full route. And when I was in the store the other day buying clothes, I can usually make it all the way around the store with the clothes draped over my arm but again, had to stop at the halfway point to try on and then get the other half of the store in the second pass. It's weird because it's really a LETHARGY as opposed to just the kind of tired you get when you overworked a muscle or something, almost like the feeling of after you've been sick and just feel wiped out.

Last time I went to the doctor they didn't see anything and the blood work was all normal so I guess it still just comes back to diet :/

Who knows, maybe this time around it's just the anxiety really taking its toll. I know McDuffies you just mentioned in the other post about how it can be hard to get a good night's sleep when there's the "where do I go now" anxiety. I've never felt long-term stress before, I mean I'd have a night here or there where I couldn't calm my brain down because I was excited about something, but now it's definitely an ongoing anxiety.

Different people have told me (better worded variations of) relax, don't stress, have faith that you'll get where you need to be and that everything will be okay. And like, it's easier said than done, especially when I don't even know how to GET to where I need to be, let alone where that even IS.

Anxiety/depression can DEFINITELY cause lethargy. 100% true.

But you should be super proud of yourself for going to see the career lady! That was a huge and important step.

You can do it, Poney!

[McDuffies]

Give me a 'V'!
Give me a 'E'!
Give me a 'R'!
Give me a 'Y'!
Give me a 'C'!
Give me a 'U'!
Give me a 'D'!
Give me a 'D'!
Give me a 'L'!
Give me a 'Y'!
Give me a 'C'!
Give me a 'O'!
Give me a 'R'!
Give me a 'N'!
Give me a 'P'!
Give me a 'O'!
Give me a 'N'!
Give me a 'E'!
...

[RobboAKAscooby]

Give me a 'V'!
Give me a 'E'!
Give me a 'R'!
Give me a 'Y'!
Give me a 'C'!
Give me a 'U'!
Give me a 'D'!
Give me a 'D'!
Give me a 'L'!
Give me a 'Y'!
Give me a 'C'!
Give me a 'O'!
Give me a 'R'!
Give me a 'N'!
Give me a 'P'!
Give me a 'O'!
Give me a 'N'!
Give me a 'E'!
...

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!