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Laugh, damn you. -_-

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 10:57 am
by Error of Logic
Police officer Sam's walking down the street when he sees a stranger coming out of a pharmacy, carrying two big, heavy bags. The stranger walks to a public garbage bin and jams both bags into it, dusting his hands on his trousers.
Ever curious, Sam approaches the stranger and asks: "Sir, would you mind telling me what you were doing just now?"
"Not at all, officer," the stranger replies with a smile. "You see, once a year I visit my doctor and have him give me a full check-up. I figure he's got to make a living. He wants to live, after all."
"Okay," Sam says, "but -"
"Please let me finish," the stranger forestalls him. "My doctor gives me all sorts of recipes that he says I have to take. So I head over to my pharmacist and take out all these subscriptions. That guy wants to live, right?"
"So those were your medecines?" Sam asks, perplexed. "But why throw them away?"
"That's the simplest one of all," the stranger earnestly replies. "I want to live, too!"

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 3:13 pm
by Aeridus
Heh, nice one! Though technically shouldn't it be prescriptions? XD *guesses the guy's supposed to be fumbling for random words that sound right*

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 3:16 pm
by Error of Logic
Who else has a joke to share?

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 3:21 pm
by Xnapalmxmorningx
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 4:16 pm
by DmentDStuff
xnapalmxmorningx wrote:Why do elephants paint their toenails red?


So they can hide in cherry trees.

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How do you get a nun pregnant? (there are a minimum of two punchlines to this joke)

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 4:59 pm
by Kittyboymuffin
*giggle* I dunno, I just think the question's funny in and of itself

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 6:06 pm
by BriHahn
Produce identification that your name is Jesus Christ.

Okay, that would probably be more funny if you knew that nuns are supposed to be the "brides of Christ"... XD

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 6:30 pm
by Pyretimeth
DmentDStuff wrote:How do you get a nun pregnant?


Dress her up as an alter boy... ha!

Here's a funny one...

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and drunk when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the jerking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold." "Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make money hand over fist every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 6:46 pm
by Xnapalmxmorningx
How do you shoot a white elephant?

how do you shoot a blue elephant?

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 8:59 pm
by Aeridus
pyretimeth wrote:"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"


Priceless. XD

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 5:53 am
by RevChris77
One day the king decided to let his peasants see who was the most powerful man in the kingdom. He had his heralds call all the people together outside the castle. The king then said to them "Today we are going to prove who is the most powerful man in the kingdom. Would whoever thinks he is most powerful, step forward?"

The local blacksmith came forward, and said "I am the strongest man in the kingdom. I am the blacksmith."

"All right, " said the king. "Drop your pants. Have a 1-pound weight brought forth!" The king hung the weight on the man's dick and said "If you are the strongest man in the kingdom, let the weight rise!"

The weight rose. Strong men gasped. Fair ladies swooned. The children all clapped.
The band played wild, raucous music.

Another man stepped forward and said "He is not the strongest man in the kingdom. I can beat him in arm wrestling."

"All right," said the king. "Drop your pants. Have a 2-pound weight brought forth!" The king hung the weight on the man's dick and said "If you are the strongest man in the kingdom, let the weight rise!"

The weight rose. Strong men gasped. Fair ladies swooned. The children all clapped.
The band played wild, raucous music.

Another man stepped forward. "He is not the strongest man in the kingdom," he said. "I am the strongest man in the kingdom. I throw large rocks 20 feet!"

"All right, " said the king. "Drop your pants. Have a 5-pound weight brought forth!" The king hung the weight on the man's dick and said "If you are the strongest man in the kingdom, let the weight rise!"

The weight rose. Strong men gasped. Fair ladies swooned. The children all clapped.
The band played wild, raucous music.

Another man stepped forward. "He is not the strongest man in the kingdom," he said. "I am the strongest man in the kingdom. I can tear large oak trees out of the ground with my bare hands."

"All right," said the king. "Drop your pants. Have a 10-pound weight brought forth!" The king hung the weight on the man's dick and said "If you are the strongest man in the kingdom, let the weight rise!"

The weight rose. Strong men gasped. Fair ladies swooned. The children all clapped.
The band played wild, raucous music.

Another man stepped forward. "He is not the strongest man in the kingdom," he said. "I am the strongest man in the kingdom. When I slew the giants, he was home hiding under his wife's skirts."

"All right," said the king. "Drop your pants. Have a 15-pound weight brought forth!" The king hung the weight on the man's dick and said "If you are the strongest man in the kingdom, let the weight rise!"

The weight rose. Strong men gasped. Fair ladies swooned. The children all clapped.
The band played wild, raucous music.

Another man stepped forward. "He is not the strongest man in the kingdom," he said. "I am the strongest man in the kingdom. When the giant three-headed dragon was menacing the town, I killed it. He was passed out drunk in the tavern!"

"All right, " said the king. "Drop your pants. Have a 20-pound weight brought forth!" The king hung the weight on the man's dick and said "If you are the strongest man in the kingdom, let the weight rise!"

The weight rose. Strong men gasped. Fair ladies swooned. The children all clapped.
The band played wild, raucous music.

Another man stepped forward. "He is not the strongest man in the kingdom," he said. "I am the strongest man in the kingdom. When the barbarians invaded, I slew them singlehandedly. He tripped over his own shoelaces and knocked himself unconscious."

"All right," said the king. "Drop your pants. Have a 30-pound weight brought forth!" The king hung the weight on the man's dick and said "If you are the strongest man in the kingdom, let the weight rise!"

The weight rose. Strong men gasped. Fair ladies swooned. The children all clapped.
The band played wild, raucous music.

Another man stepped forward. "He is not the strongest man in the kingdom," he said. "I am the strongest man in the kingdom. When the earthquake hit, last winter, I pulled the ground back together to save our village. He got stuck in the snow outside his house."

"All right," said the king. "Drop your pants. Have a 50-pound weight brought forth!" The king hung the weight on the man's dick and said "If you are the strongest man in the kingdom, let the weight rise!"

The weight rose. Strong men gasped. Fair ladies swooned. The children all clapped.
The band played wild, raucous music.

Then the king stood up and said "My people, you have missed the point of this. The most powerful man in the kingdom is not always the strongest. I am the king and I have absolute power over everything and everyone in my kingdom. However, to prove I am also the strongest man in the kingdom," he dropped his pants. "Have a 100-pound weight brought forth!" The king hung the weight on his own dick, and said "As I am the most powerful man in the kingdom, let the weight rise!"

The weight rose. Strong men gasped. Fair ladies swooned. The children all clapped.
The band played "God Save the Queen."

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 6:44 am
by Lesotheron
I'll warn you ahead of time, every time I tell this joke, someone ends up offended (not that I think that'll be a problem around here).

A man goes to a prostitute and say's he'll give her $50 just to go down on her. She agrees and follows him back to his hotel room. She gets undressed and he gets started.

He's getting into it, enjoying her moans, when all of a sudden he finds something in his mouth. He stops and pulls it out, it's a piece of corn.

"Wow, her last customer must have been wild." He thought, as he went back to work.

A few minutes later, he has to stop again. This time it's a piece of carrot.

"She must really be into vegetables." He shrugged, going back to his task.

Once again, he is forced to stop. This time it's a piece of beef.

"Are you sick or something?" He asks, getting angry.

She replies: "No, but the guy before you was."

I heard this joke about 15 years ago, so it's been around for a while. Aside from that one time, I've never heard anyone else tell it, have any of you heard it?

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 7:56 am
by Aeridus
I've never heard it, but it certainly has an "ew" factor to it. XD

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 7:59 am
by Squidflakes
yep, that's an old playground classic.

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 11:44 am
by Error of Logic
Okay, here's one that's bound to ruffle a few feathers. It is not meant to seriously offend anyone's position, however.

As seen on a tombstone in a computer game:

'Here lies an atheist. All dressed up and nowehere to go.'

Second is the greatest 'dumb blonde'-joke ever told:

'What's brown, black and blue and lies in a ditch?
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A brunette who told one 'dumb blonde'-joke too many.'

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:42 pm
by RevChris77
1. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
2. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow only to be troubled and insecure?
3. Is there another word for "synonym"?
4. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
5. When sign makers go on strike is anything written on their signs?
6. When you open a bag of cotton balls is the top one meant to be thrown away?
7. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
8. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
9. Why do they report power outages on TV?
10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
11. Is it possible to be totally partial?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
15. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
16. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. When it rains why don’t sheep shrink?
18. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
19. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
20. Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
21. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 12:43 pm
by RevChris77
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold". The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up". So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold". The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up". He did, and they warmed up.

Next day the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold". The daughter said, "Put it between my legs and it will warm up". He did and his nose warmed up.

The next day the boyfriend is driving again and he said, "My penis is frozen solid".

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned Mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says,

"Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 2:13 pm
by Aeridus
I like the Amish joke. XD

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 2:27 pm
by RevChris77
20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have great chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!


10 Reasons That Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex

1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
2. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
4. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
5. It's okay when the person you are with fantasizes that you are someone else .... because you are.
6. Forty years from now you will still enjoy candy.
7. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
9. Less guilt the morning after.
10. You can do the whole neighborhood.

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 5:40 pm
by Il
what's red and white and keeps getting smaller?

and emo kid with a potato peeler.






Two guys sitting in a bar, one says to the other,
"I just can't keep it up anymore. What do I do?" The other replies, "Well, when I'm about to sleep with someone, I finger her a bit to start out with and rub my finger under my nose. That smell just keeps me going for hours."

"That's a good Idea! I'll try that tonight."

so the first guy picks up some tramp in the bar and goes home with her. The lights are out and he starts fingering her, and then rubs under his lip. Sure enough, he is as hard as steel and he tells the chick
"check it out, it worked!"

she turns the lights on and jumps back...
"did you get into a fight?"