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Postby WangyJohn on Fri Sep 14, 2007 9:57 am

What's red, soft and smells like fish?

Jacques Cousteaus hat.
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby Kittyboymuffin on Fri Sep 14, 2007 6:48 pm

*falls over giggling at Vedius and RevChris*
A catboy is fine too. And I dancedancedance and I dancedancedance!

Kinkymuffin ^^

Quote: "The only thing better than tentacles is twentyacles." -- Dori, at TS MUSH
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Postby RevChris77 on Sun Sep 16, 2007 9:48 am

A man sat down in the restaurant to have dinner. You can imagine the scene, people all dressed up for dinner, with waiters gliding round serving. He turns to see a waiter approaching and inadvertently knocks his dessert spoon off the table. The waiter, without breaking stride, steps up to the table and deftly takes another spoon from his top pocket and puts it on the table to replace the one now on the floor.

The diner turns to the waiter and says,"That's why I come to restaurants like this! The service is great. In a lesser place you would have been groping on the floor for the spoon and wiping it on your jacket before putting it back on the table."

The waiter replies, "I thank you for the compliment and am even more glad you noticed because we have had a 'time & motion' company working here for months. One of the things they noticed was that the spoon is the most often knocked to the floor, hence we all keep one in our top pocket."

Diner "That's very good, I must also compliment you on your dress, you are immaculately turned out. But, if you don't mind me saying, you have a piece of string hanging from your fly."

Waiter "Glad you spotted that, time & motion people again, they realized after some study that we wasted a lot of time going to the toilet. Not the actual act but the washing of hands afterwards. So they came up with the idea of tying a piece of string to our member so that we could go to the toilet without touching it & hence save time."

Diner "That's good but I can't help noticing that there are a number of splash marks in the area of your crotch."

Waiter "True, the string is great for getting it out and giving it a shake afterwards but not too good at putting it back."

Diner "What do you do then?"

Waiter "I don't know about everyone else but I use a spoon!"
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Postby RevChris77 on Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:46 am

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so thought he'd become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school. The final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously putting it back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job, by the way. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really.

Then, I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
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Postby Churba on Mon Sep 17, 2007 7:13 am

Image
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Postby RavenxDrake on Mon Sep 17, 2007 8:11 am

Churba wrote:Image


What kind of spider is that? Is it a funnelweb, cause I thought they were smaller...
Image
Think the Unthinkable,
Do the Undoable,
"F" the Ineffable,
And Unscrew the Inscrutable.
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Postby WangyJohn on Mon Sep 17, 2007 8:12 am

RevChris77 wrote:
Then, I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."


How does a gynecologist paint the walls of an apartment?

Through the letterbox.
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby Xero on Mon Sep 17, 2007 9:51 am

Churba wrote:[img]-snip-[/img]

I love that picture
had it for a while now :D
Platinumyo wrote:Can someone unban me?
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Postby Kittyboymuffin on Mon Sep 17, 2007 6:24 pm

XD

I bet you could have some real fun with forced perspective there ...
A catboy is fine too. And I dancedancedance and I dancedancedance!

Kinkymuffin ^^

Quote: "The only thing better than tentacles is twentyacles." -- Dori, at TS MUSH
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Postby Error of Logic on Mon Sep 17, 2007 10:50 pm

A man goes into a restaurant and orders the advertised soup of the day. The waiter brings him a bowlfull, but is called back almost instantly.
"Is something wrong, sir?" the waiter asks.
"Yes, something's wrong!" the customer roars. "Look at this, there's a FLY doing the backcrawl in my soup!"
"This is a problem, sir?" the waiter asks.
"Yes!" the customer screams. "I do not want flies in my soup! Take it away and bring me another bowl!"
The waiter obliges, takes the soup back to the kitchen. He calls to the chef: "hey, Al. The guy at table fourteen says he doesn't want soup with flies."
Al sighs, says: "Damn, I hate the difficult customers. Okay, so is he a roach guy, or does he go in for weevils or crickets?"
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Postby Nithos on Mon Sep 17, 2007 11:54 pm

What's more fun than swinging a dead baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

--

I had a friend who wanted to be a gynecologist, but he claims he couldn't find an opening.
The Giggling Gallows, spend your last breath laughing.
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Postby Boring 7 on Tue Sep 18, 2007 12:33 am

I believe it si time for a musical interlude.

The colorectal surgeon song.

The words.
---
*whack* "Whee!" *whack* "Whee!"
"What in the world?"
"I sure love beating this dead horse!"
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Postby RevChris77 on Tue Sep 18, 2007 4:23 am

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween/Masquerade party. The woman got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being the devoted husband, protested. But she urged him to go. She was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. There was no need to spoil his good time. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without the headache. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party too. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon saw her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry to devote his time to the new "stuff" that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little "tumble". Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped a way and went home. She put her costume away and went into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of time he had. He said,

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you. I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys. We went into the den and played poker all night. But I'll tell you, the guy I lent my costume to sure had a good time!"
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Postby Vedius Pollio on Tue Sep 18, 2007 6:02 am

Two gynaecologists are comparing patients that they have had in the past.

GYNO #1: "I once had a patient with breasts like watermelons."

GYNO #2: "Wow! That big?

GYNO #1: "Yup!"

GYNO #2: "Well I once had a patient with a clit like a lemon."

GYNO #1: "Wow! That big?"

GYNO #2: "No. That sour."
"Leopards invade the temple and drink the wine from the chalices; this happens suddenly; in the end it was forseen that this would happen and it is incorporated into the liturgy."
-Kafka-
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Postby RevChris77 on Tue Sep 18, 2007 8:16 am

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men."

She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

==-==-===-==-==-===-==-==-===-==-==

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

==-==-===-==-==-===-==-==-===-==-==

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her.

"Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes. That's why I came here in the first place."

==-==-===-==-==-===-==-==-===-==-==

A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. Here is one of the winners:

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I has just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet a washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?"

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No, I need that one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
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Postby Nithos on Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:13 am

A young girl, showing all the usual symptoms, was taken in to the doctor by her mother to check if she's pregnant. When the doctor comes back with the bad news that she is, she protests "but me and my boyfriend never touch, we've only ever looked at each other naked!" "Ahh" said the doctor "he must be cockeyed."
The Giggling Gallows, spend your last breath laughing.
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Postby RevChris77 on Wed Sep 19, 2007 7:20 am

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelery, and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
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Postby RevChris77 on Wed Sep 19, 2007 7:38 am

The Irishman told the bartender, "Bring me a glass of Les, please."

"'Les?' Never heard of that one," replied the barkeep.

"What? Sure you have."

"No, really, I don't stock it. What is it? Foreign beer?"

"Not sure," replied the Irishman. "My doctor mentioned it at my last physical. He told me to 'Drink Les!' "
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Postby WangyJohn on Wed Sep 19, 2007 8:05 am

A man walks into a bar. He tells the bartender "Gimmie a tequila"

The bartender pours one, and the guy chugs it down straight away "another one"

This repeats a few times, so the bartender asks "what's the occation"

"My first blowjob"

"Oh, well gongratulations, the next one's on me"

"No thanks, the taste won't go away"
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby Error of Logic on Wed Sep 19, 2007 11:31 am

A man on a trip arrives in a little, backwoods village. He goes into the local watering hole, but everyone's finishing their drinks and beer nuts, then leaving. When he asks the bartender for a beer and what's going on, the bartender replies:
"You have to get behind a locked door before sundown, man. The Dark Shadow is coming! Meanest, non-humanest sumbitch in the world! Kill you as soon as look at you!"
The traveller thinks this is just a superstition, so he stays in his seat and enjoys his beer, even when the bartender leaves. Then, all of a sudden, a HUGE hand falls on his shoulder and he's turned around. In front of him stands the biggest man he ever saw, dressed from head to foot in black, his face hidden in a hood. The hooded man looks him up and down, then unzips his pants and pulls out his member.
"You got a purdy mouth," the hooded man says with a rumbling voice. "Blow me."
Trembling with fear now, the traveller falls on his knees and proceeds to do just that.
"Faster," the hooded man orders.
The traveller works faster.
"Faster!" the hooded man roars.
The traveller's head is bobbing like mad.
"Much, much faster!" the hooded man orders.
"Why?" the traveller asks, trembling with terror. "What's your rush, sir?"
"I have to get behind a locked door before dark, man, the Dark Shadow's coming!"
Non-pervert. (Title bestowed by ManaUser.)

Deviating from the norm on a forum of the deviant? What does that make me?

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