Laugh, damn you. -_-

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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Aeridus on Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:52 am

Awful. XD
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Thu Feb 03, 2011 5:31 pm

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a desert island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thought. As the speck got closer and closer he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly, there emerged from the surf a wet-suited, black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the mask, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman stood up out of the surf. The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the Irishman, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"


"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

At this, the gorgeous blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips the pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him.

The Irishman opens the flask and takes a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods! he exclaimed. "Tis truly fantastic!"

At this point, the beautiful blonde starts to slowly unzip the long front of her wetsuit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Thu Feb 24, 2011 10:00 am

A Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.




As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Churba on Tue Mar 15, 2011 9:40 pm

Instead of liquid viagra, I accidentally drank a bottle of white-out. I woke up this morning with an enormous, throbbing correction.
boring 7 wrote:Though one might argue that 4chan is just a giant, free-form MMO that never stops, nevar forgets, and is not your friend.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Aeridus on Thu Mar 17, 2011 7:16 am

Churba wrote:Instead of liquid viagra, I accidentally drank a bottle of white-out. I woke up this morning with an enormous, throbbing correction.

*groan* XD
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Fri Apr 01, 2011 5:32 pm

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Tue May 17, 2011 3:37 pm

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals she isn't wearing any panties. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing an knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replies.

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no panties. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" her husband demands.

"I can't afford any on the oney you give me," she replies.

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to place her ball on the tee. The wind also take her skirt over head to reveal that see, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" her husband demands

"You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any," she replies.

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o'Jasus 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Putaro on Mon May 30, 2011 1:41 am

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Illithid Tentacles on Tue May 31, 2011 10:04 pm

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"
It is very dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Illithid Tentacles on Thu Jun 02, 2011 11:19 pm

Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One of them farts. The other turns to him with a disgusted look and says "Jesus! I'm trying to fucking eat, here!"
It is very dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Fri Jun 03, 2011 7:46 am

A little boy was standing on the sidewalk with his right hand in his pocket and a loaf of bread in his left hand. The preacher walked by and said, "Hi, Johnny. I see you have the 'staff of life' in your hand. What's in your other hand?"

"This loaf of bread!", replied little Johnny.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Sat Aug 27, 2011 9:40 am

A woman ask the pharmacist, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"

"Yes," he replied. "Do you want to buy some?"

"No," she responded, "but is okay if I wait here until some man does?"
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Lowky on Sat Sep 17, 2011 9:43 am

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Kmart?"
nik said @ 6:45pm on 2nd Oct [Score:1 Funny] - moderate/reply
If she's not got an octopus in her cunt, she's not really Japanese.

Hope this helps.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Lowky on Sun Sep 18, 2011 7:21 am

A word of warning for those of you who may be regular Target customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get a few odds and ends has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Target or Walmart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, and 24th. Also Sept 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, please be careful during these trying times.
nik said @ 6:45pm on 2nd Oct [Score:1 Funny] - moderate/reply
If she's not got an octopus in her cunt, she's not really Japanese.

Hope this helps.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Mon Sep 19, 2011 4:41 pm

I was having hot sex with this chick when suddenly she heard the front door open. "Oh, no!" she cried. "That's my husband! Quick! Try the back door!"

Thinking back, I probably should have run but, really, how often does that opportunity arise?

=====================

An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable as St. Peter explains how Heaven works.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what's happening"?

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that."
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Mon Oct 10, 2011 6:03 pm

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre musuem. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, the art thief replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this. Well, I figure I had nothing Toulouse. Hehehe!)
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Mon Oct 17, 2011 4:20 pm

Father & Son Talk

I sat my son down, opened my laptop, and said, "Son, it's time we had a talk about pornography." He looked worried.

"What about?", he asked.

"How do I get past these filters without your mom knowing?", I asked.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Thu Oct 27, 2011 3:23 pm

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Aeridus on Wed Nov 02, 2011 5:21 am

Hahaha, nice! I hadn't heard that one before!
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Thu Nov 03, 2011 6:48 pm

Movie Test

Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find our what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how it works, it just does.

Pick a number from 1 to 9.

Multiply it by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply it by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Star Wars" - exactly right! So be honest, and do the math before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy, and it works!

The Movies:
1. Gone with the wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
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