Laugh, damn you. -_-

[Churba]

Some people are like slinkies -- not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

I see you met my Ex girlfriend

If he was sporting a gunshot would or massive blunt force trauma, I'd say he'd met one of mine.

[RevChris77]

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!

"And you think YOU have family problems!!!

(I think this all tracks correctly, but it makes my brain hurt.)

[RevChris77]

Australian Investment Advice

In 2001, if you had bought $1,000 of One-Tel stock, it would now be worth about $9 to you as an unsecured creditor if you are lucky.

In 2002, if you had bought HIH stock, you would have about $6.50 left of the original $1,000 investment.

In 2003, if you had gone overseas and bought ENRON, you would have less than $5 left.

But, If you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer in early 2009 - one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned the aluminum cans in for the recycling price, you would have $24!

Based on the above, the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

[Aeridus]

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!

"And you think YOU have family problems!!!

(I think this all tracks correctly, but it makes my brain hurt.)

I think that's pretty much the verbatim lyrics of "I Am My Own Grandpa".

[RevChris77]

During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why such a long password, the reply was that they were told “it had to include at least eight characters with one capital.”

[RevChris77]

If you are not over 50, you can look forward to these Perks!

PERKS OF BEING 50 AND OVER....

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side I think I'm going to have a wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

[RevChris77]

Airport Customs

A distinguished young woman on flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?" the priest replied.

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" the woman asked.

"I would love to help you, but I must warn you: I will not lie!" The priest told her.

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.

When they got to Customs, the young woman let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," said the priest.

The officials thought this answer a bit strange, so he asked, "And what to you have to declare from your waist to the floor, Father?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused," answered the priest.

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[sasha84]

Two favorites:

1. Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish...

2. Your momma's so dumb she f*cks drummers because she thinks that's the rhythm method.

[Aeridus]

Two favorites:

1. Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish...

I love it.

[RevChris77]

A man went out with his buddies for a night on the town, ending up in a house of ill repute. A week later, he was at his doctor's office, complaining about the large green lump on the end of his penis.

After a thorough exam, the doctor consulted a large book, flicking through it until he finally looked up.

"I'm afraid this is quite serious. You know how boxers get cauliflower ear?"

"Yeah," said his patient.

"Well," the doctor said, "it seems you've developed a brothel sprout!"

[RevChris77]

A man gets on an airplane. The flight attendant says,'Sir, are these 4 children all yours?'.

The man says,'No,I work for Trojan. These are customer complaints.'

[RevChris77]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a medical t.v. show, I have found inner peace. It's true. A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Punglies, that mainder of bot Prozic and Alum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box of choclits. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel! Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis.

[Churba]

What do you get when you insert Human DNA into a Goat?

Banned from the Petting zoo.

[Aeridus]

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding day, she would ask each of them to write home and tell her about their married life. The first wrote back on the second day after she got married. The letter arrived with only a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse." The Mother was confused at first, but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad on a newspaper, and it said: "Satisfaction, to the last drop..." So, the Mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home a letter. There was only one message, it read; "Rothmans." So the Mother looked for a Rothmans' ad, and it said: "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." The Mother was happy. After the third daughter got married, the Mother was anxious to receive a message from her baby. It took 4 weeks for a message to arrive.

When it did the message simply said "BRITISH AIRWAYS." The Mother was concerned. She frantically looked through all the newspapers at home for a British Airways ad. She finally found one and fainted. The ad read: "FOUR TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

[Churba]

What's the closest thing to silver?

The Lone Ranger's balls.

[Leeloo]

Not really a joke, but it kinda fits here anyway. Just something to think about the next time you hear republicans or fundamentalist Christians bashing gays...

What do you call a person who thinks being gay is a choice?

Bi.

[RevChris77]

I met a beautiful girl at the park today. Sparks flew. She fell at my feet, and we immediately had sex, right then and there.


I love my new Taser!

[Aeridus]

Awful.

[RevChris77]

Why do New Zealand race horses run so fast?

a. Superior breeding.
b. Superior training.
c. Superior breeding and training.
d. They have seen what happens to the sheep.

[RevChris77]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said: "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out: "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"