Laugh, damn you. -_-

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Postby Kittyboymuffin on Sat Sep 08, 2007 12:07 pm

Him: You're the sexiest babe I've ever seen!
Her: I know you are, but what am I?
A catboy is fine too. And I dancedancedance and I dancedancedance!

Kinkymuffin ^^

Quote: "The only thing better than tentacles is twentyacles." -- Dori, at TS MUSH
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Postby RavenxDrake on Sat Sep 08, 2007 12:14 pm

The Moth Joke.


So. I'm up at 5 am watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie with my friends, and I see a moth up on the wall with beautiful green wings. I go over to pick her up, and she settles in my hand. "Well hello there," I say feeling silly, "Whats your name."

Well that moth stands right up in my hand and goes "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!" Well this shocks me and my friends to say the least. I've never seen or heard of a talking moth. Well, stunned as I am, I know a good thing when I see it, and I get out a an old bamboo cage i used to keep a cricket in and set Daisy in the cage. So, we're watching more of the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie and an advert comes on announcing the County-wide Moth Appreciacion festival. I'm like, "We're so there, dude".

We apply for the the tallent portion and I can already see it's no contest. Me and daisy walk up front, and the judges look up, and she puffs out those pretty green wings and goes "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!"

Guess what?

We won!

First prize in hand, 500 bucks, me and my buddies and Daisy spend that evening pigging out on pizza and soda. We're all up till early morning, watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie and then, there comes an advert for the All State Moth Appreciation Festival. First prize in the talent competition is 5000 dollars. So of course, we have to go.

We get there and register. I'm a bit worried, cause there's some real competition here this time. There's one moth that dances to a Christina Aguileara song, and another that can add and subtract by landing on a touchscreen pad calculator. But I'm sure Daisy can take care of herself. Me and Daisy walk up to the front of the stage, and she preens a bit for the cameras and shakes herself out, and just sings out "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!"

Guess what?

We won!

5k in hand and a big blue ribbon, we have a huge steak and shrimp dinner catered to our home to celebrate. We're drinking and eating and celebrating and all up till ungodly o'clock in the morning again watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie, when a new advertisement comes on. Its announcing, you guessed it, the National Talent finals of the Moth Appreciation Festival. I just look at Daisy, and she looks at me, and we nod.

We enter into the competition, and it's obviously going to be tough going. There's a moth from El Paso that can hum it's wings to "Deep in the Heart of Texas", and one from out in California that does simple C++ computer programs on a tiny computer. I'm not too worried, but I can tell Daisy is. I just smile and tell her "All I expect is for you to do your best". Well we get up on stage, and she's raring to go. She struts, she poses, she preens, and she lets loose with the most lyrical, beautiful "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy!" I've ever heard.

Guess what?

We won!

50 thousand in the bank now, we're ready to live in the lap of luxary for a while. We party down, and stay up till the Butt-crack of dawn again watching the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, So Damn Late It's Early Morning movie on our new plasma screen TV, and we see the adds for something new. The International Moth Talent Finals! Broadcast live! With a prize of 500,000! Well, we just have to enter.

Man, when we get there, I know we're in for the biggest fight ever. There's trained russian weightlifting moths hurling Bic pens around, Korean moths going all "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Mothra" and doing wire-fu moves. I just calm Daisy down, and I tell her, no matter what, I'm proud of her. She's made it this far, and no matter what, she'll always be my little Daisy.

We get up to the stage, and she's on fire now! She does a little coy dance, she fluffs, she shines, she does a little pirouette, and ends it with "Daisy! Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy Daisy DAISY

Guess what!

We... we lost....

We were all really bummed out, but Daisy was really taking it hard. She was crying harder than I've ever seen anyone cry; big, green, luminous tears were just rolling down her face as she sobbed in my hands.

And soon, I was sniffling and crying too. My friends were all trying to compfort me, but I just told them, "I can't help it, I always tear up around moth bawls."


*ducks and runs for cover*
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Think the Unthinkable,
Do the Undoable,
"F" the Ineffable,
And Unscrew the Inscrutable.
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Postby Xero on Sat Sep 08, 2007 1:59 pm

swordsman3003 wrote:Sadly, I went to that site a long, long time ago.

don't worry it looks like lots of people do
-pet pet-
feud would be proud
Platinumyo wrote:Can someone unban me?
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Postby RevChris77 on Sat Sep 08, 2007 2:01 pm

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
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Postby Kittyboymuffin on Sat Sep 08, 2007 8:19 pm

A great pickup line someone had ...

"If I asked you to have sex with me, would the answer to that be the same as the answer to this question?"
A catboy is fine too. And I dancedancedance and I dancedancedance!

Kinkymuffin ^^

Quote: "The only thing better than tentacles is twentyacles." -- Dori, at TS MUSH
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Postby RevChris77 on Sun Sep 09, 2007 2:29 pm

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
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Postby RevChris77 on Mon Sep 10, 2007 4:56 am

The following was reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal. The questions that appear below were actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: (There's nothing funnier than true life.)

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None"
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. "You were shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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Postby RevChris77 on Mon Sep 10, 2007 4:58 am

How do you get an elephant into the refrigerator?
Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.

How do you get two elephants in the refrigerator?
Open the door, put in the first elephant, then put in the second elephant, then close the door.

How do you get six elephants in the refrigerator?
Put three elephants in a taxi, put three elephants in another taxi, then put the two taxis in the fridge.

Why are there so many elephants running loose in Africa?
Not enough refrigerators.

How do you know there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
There's a taxi outside it with two impatient elephants.

And what if you don't notice the taxi?
There are footprints in the butter.
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Postby WangyJohn on Mon Sep 10, 2007 8:50 am

A computer programmer had had it with the stresfull life in the IT business and the city, and decided to quit his job and buy a cabin away from it all.

So he moved to the mountains far away from the city, making a living on hunting and stuff.

After a few months, a grizzly-for-a-man came to his door.
"Hello, I'm your neighbour, a mile from here" the man said.

"Oh, hello, would you like some coffee" The ex-programmer said.

"No thanks, I'm here to invite you to a party at my place tomorrow"

"Oh, that sounds like fun"

"I'll have to warn you though, there will be drinking at the party"

"Eh, nothing new there, I half lived in a bar back in the city"

"Allright, but I also have to warn you, there might be fighting"

"Oh, I'm sure I'll manage"

"And finally, I have to warn you, there might be some sex at the party too"

"Oh that sounds like my kind of party. Say, is there any dresscode?"

"Oh, nothing fancy, it'll be just you and me"
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby RevChris77 on Wed Sep 12, 2007 6:26 am

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

<hr>
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

<hr>
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
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Postby RevChris77 on Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:27 am

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."
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Postby Aeridus on Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:05 pm

I wish I had some good stuff to add, but for now I will just sit here and laugh hysterically. XD
Village Idiot Vs World webcomic and other works of art

“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, ‘Holy shit! What a ride!’ "
~Mavis Leyrer
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Postby Crushogre on Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:28 pm

RevChris77 wrote:Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.Leo people are thieving and enjoy masturbation more than sex.


Lies, All Lies. Especially the part about criticism
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Postby Crushogre on Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:39 pm

RevChris77 wrote:How do you get an elephant into the refrigerator?
Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.

How do you get two elephants in the refrigerator?
Open the door, put in the first elephant, then put in the second elephant, then close the door.

How do you get six elephants in the refrigerator?
Put three elephants in a taxi, put three elephants in another taxi, then put the two taxis in the fridge.

Why are there so many elephants running loose in Africa?
Not enough refrigerators.

How do you know there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
There's a taxi outside it with two impatient elephants.

And what if you don't notice the taxi?
There are footprints in the butter.


Why do ducks have big flat feet?
To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big flat feet?
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To stomp out flaming ducks. :D
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Postby MistressMaggie on Fri Sep 14, 2007 4:09 am

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
...because he was dead.

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
..because he was stapled to the monkey.

Why did the bird fall out of the tree?
...Peer pressure.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
..because she had no arms

Why did the boy fall off the horse?
..because he had no legs

How do you get 10,000 dead babies into a phone booth?
...with a blender

How do you get 10,000 dead babies out of a phone booth?
...with a straw

What's pink and bubbly and scratches on glass?
..baby in a microwave

*ducks*
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Postby RevChris77 on Fri Sep 14, 2007 4:44 am

How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
Take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.

The King of the Lions calls a meeting of all the animals, but one animal doesn't show up. Which one is it?
The giraffe, as it's still in the refrigerator.

You need to cross the river. How do you deal with the crocodiles?
Don't worry, they're all at the Lion King's meeting.

==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==

A Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a Great Dane found themselves in the waiting room at the veterinary office.

Spaniel to the Poodle: "Why are you in here?"

Poodle: "Well, I peed in the house one too many times, and my owners have decided it was time to put me to sleep. Why are you here?"

Spaniel: "I've got a very bad temper, and I the other day I bit two of the neighbor's kids. So, my owners are having me put to sleep too." He turns to the Great Dane and asks, "Why are you here?"

Great Dane: "Well my owner is a beautiful blonde who walks around the house all day in the nude. Yesterday I couldn't take it any more and when she was on her knees doing something on the floor, I mounted her."

Spaniel: "So, why are you here?"

Great Dane: "I have to get my nails clipped."
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Postby Reesa-chan on Fri Sep 14, 2007 7:47 am

How do you catch a rabbit?

Lie in the grass and make a noise like a carrot.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

U-nique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way.
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Postby Reesa-chan on Fri Sep 14, 2007 7:52 am

What do you get if someone's into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality?

Someone who enjoys beating a dead horse.
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Postby Vedius Pollio on Fri Sep 14, 2007 9:25 am

Four fathers are in an upscale bar, drinking. They're all ageing yuppies: cocky, boastful, arrogant, narcissistic, egotistical, you get the picture.

One of the fathers suddenly realises that he has to buy his wife a scarf as an anniversary present, and runs off to the Hermes store across the street. The moment he walks out of the bar, the other three enter a debate about which one of them is the best father. They decide on a simple criterion: "The man with the most successful son wins."

The first man says: "Well, my son used to be kinda... ...rebellious. He listened to Marilyn Manson in high school, and he hung around with a bad crowd. But after he graduated, I gave him a stern talking to, and he made a real effort to pull himself together. Now he runs a BMW dealership, and he's doing really well. A while ago, he gave a close friend of his a brand new BMW."

The second man considers that, and responds: "That's nothing. My son used to be addicted to crystal when he was in business school. It was his mother's fault, of course. She softened him up too much. But I intervened in his life, and took him on a fishing trip for an entire week. After that trip, he worked hard to rebuild his life. Now he owns an up-and-coming real estate company. He's doing so well that he gave one of his friends a two-storey house for a Christmas present."

The third blurts out: "That. Really. Is. Nothing. My son used to be obsessed with dance clubs. He was addicted to a whole cocktail of drugs. The police busted him for drunk driving about seven times. Another time, he was in a car accident and barely survived. He would come home high on ecstasy and embarrass the guests. He even overdosed a couple of times, and had to be rushed to ER. I also blame the mother.

I could have kicked him out. I could have pretended that I didn't have a son. But I told him that I would still love him no matter what he did. The moment he heard that, he sat down and cried. After that, he went through rehab. Today, he's a multimillionaire stock broker. Recently, he gave a croquet buddy an entire stock portfolio as a birthday present."

The fourth father returns to the bar, holding a gift-wrapped Hermes scarf. Panting, he asks what they were talking about. They say that they're comparing sons, and glare at him. It's his turn.

"Well. My son is gay, but he didn't turn out too badly. His last three catchers, as he calls them, gave him a house, a stock portfolio, and a BMW. I blame the mother."
"Leopards invade the temple and drink the wine from the chalices; this happens suddenly; in the end it was forseen that this would happen and it is incorporated into the liturgy."
-Kafka-
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Postby RevChris77 on Fri Sep 14, 2007 9:38 am

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly, "Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
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