Laugh, damn you. -_-

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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Tue Dec 08, 2009 10:50 am

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood - big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ...NO PUBLIC TOILETS! He really, really had to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finally finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie . "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby, "That was really decent of you ... is that what you call "British hospitality?"
"No sir," the Bobby replied. "It's what we call 'The French Embassy'."
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Aeridus on Thu Dec 10, 2009 9:21 am

Hee hee.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby ManaUser on Fri Dec 25, 2009 11:26 am

RevChris77 wrote:Image

Eww! That is way too much ketchup.
Last edited by ManaUser on Sat Jan 09, 2010 12:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Touchdown Jesus

Postby Protagonist on Fri Dec 25, 2009 9:03 pm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Butter_Jesus

You know what I love about Wikipedia? The fact that any search term that redirects to a particular page gets put in the URL. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_of_Kings_%28statue%29 just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Anyway, yeah, there's a statue referred to as 'Big Butter Jesus', and I think it's funny. That's basically the point here.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Wed Dec 30, 2009 8:30 pm

The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon to begin their new life together. The first morning, however, he entered the kitchen to find his new bride crying. "What's wrong, honey?"

"I wanted to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook," she sobbed.

He smiled and said, "There, there! I don't care about that. You come up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I like for breakfast." And off they went.

When he hurried home for lunch, he found her in the kitchen, crying again. "Now what's wrong, Sweetie?"

"Same as this morning: I can't cook," she whimpered.

Again, he smiled and said, "Let's go up to the bedroom and I'll have lunch there!" And off they went again.

That evening, when he got home from work, he found his new bride sliding naked down the banister. Then she ran up the stairs and slid down again. After her third roundtrip, he asked, "Honey? What in the hell are you doing?"

"Warming your dinner!" she sweetly replied.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Illithid Tentacles on Sun Jan 03, 2010 7:46 am

So a bhuddist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "Give me one wih the works."
It is very dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Tue Jan 05, 2010 6:46 pm

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said,"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

==================================

Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you ?" Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:16 pm

Things You Won't See In Hallmark Cards

1. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it ...
She moved in with me!

2. I've always wanted someone to hold,
Someone to love, someone who's mine.
Now that I've met you ...
I've changed my mind.

3. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Protagonist on Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:50 pm

RevChris77 wrote:3. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.


This one wins.

RevChris never disappoints.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Mon Jan 11, 2010 5:30 pm

More things you won't find on a Hallmark card:

1. My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat,
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

2. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
Did you ever find the father of the boy?

3. So your daughter's a hooker
And it spoiled your day;
Look on the bright side,
It's really good pay!
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Wed Jan 20, 2010 7:16 am

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says: "Tits."
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Thu Jan 21, 2010 7:12 pm

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Sat Jan 23, 2010 7:46 am

Q. Why are condoms transparent?
A. So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is restricted.

Signboard outside a brothel: "Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy..."

New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Q. Why is sex like shaving?
A. Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Wed Feb 03, 2010 5:57 pm

Torrential rainstorms flattened power lines all over. The electric company dispatched repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to check her address, she told him, "My address is P. O. Box 397."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'm coming in a truck, not an envelope!"

==============

A man stood on the bathroom scales, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking this maneuver was his attempt to weigh less, his wife quipped, "I don't think that's gonna help, dear."

"Sure it does," he replied. "Otherwise I can't see the damned numbers!"
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Mon Feb 08, 2010 5:11 pm

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me they are not, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.


================


After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, yah sure are a lovely, lovely lady; can ah persuade yah to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin', too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what yah just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Alabamuh we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble yah for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Fri Feb 12, 2010 6:20 pm

One day, little Johnny got home from pre-school early and headed upstairs. As he walked by his parents' bedroom, he was surprised to see his parents naked on their bed, making love. Not wanting to traumatize the child, they continued what they were doing. Soon Johnny asked, "Daddy, can I climb on your back for a horsey ride?"

Dad thought a moment and replied, "I suppose so, son. After all, we are a family."

After he rode a while, his mother started writhing wildly. "Hang on, Dad!" cried Johnny. "This is always where the mailman and I get bucked off!"
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Aeridus on Sat Feb 13, 2010 4:39 am

Awful. XD
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Sat Feb 13, 2010 11:53 am

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news, Liz."

Liz: "What's the good news, Doc?"

Doc: "Your lab tests came back today and your crabs are gone."

Liz: "Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?"

Doctor: "We don't know what killed them!"
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby RevChris77 on Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:52 am

Some people are like slinkies -- not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
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Re: Laugh, damn you. -_-

Postby Lowky on Tue Feb 16, 2010 7:23 am

RevChris77 wrote:Some people are like slinkies -- not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.


I see you met my Ex girlfriend
nik said @ 6:45pm on 2nd Oct [Score:1 Funny] - moderate/reply
If she's not got an octopus in her cunt, she's not really Japanese.

Hope this helps.
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