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Postby Lesotheron on Tue Aug 28, 2007 6:30 pm

Just a couple of quick ones I read and thought were funny.



Friendship between the sexes

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man
called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his
wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed
that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still
there.

________________________________________________________

Normally, I'm not a big fan of blonde jokes, but this one has that extra bite that makes it special.

Train Tracks

A blonde is walking along a set of train tracks when she comes across a redhead.

The redhead is jumping on and off the tracks, chanting: "21....21.....21....21"

The blonde thinks this looks like fun, so she joins the redhead.

They both jump on and off the tracks, chanting: "21....21....21....21"

Just then a train comes thundering down the tracks. At the last second, the redhead jumps off, leaving the blonde to be smashed to bits.

Once the train passes, the redhead looks around and resumes jumping on and off the tracks, chanting: "22....22....22....22"
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Postby RavenxDrake on Tue Aug 28, 2007 6:45 pm

Hey Look, a clean Catholic Priest joke(Note: May require at least a passing knowledge of confession/Catholic Church to understand):

A man goes to his church to see his priest and confess. "Bless me father," he says, "It's been a little over a month since my last confession."

"And what troubles you, my son?" the priest replies.

"Well, Father, I'm a contractor by trade. Due to a shipping oversight, we recieved alot of extra lumber for a job. But, instead of sending it all back, I sort of kept some for myself."

"That, my son, is stealing," the Priest replied. "Tell me, what did you do with this lumber?"

"Well, I built my children a doghouse with it," the man replied.

"That is not so bad," the priest said, "And I'm sure you thought you needed it. If you have remorse then you can be forgiven."

"Well... that's not all I made with the lumber."

"What else did you do with the lumber, my son?"

"I... added a room onto my house," the man replied.

"That is far more troubling," the Priest replied, "but still, if you feel remorse..."

"Well..." the man said, "That's still not quite all I did with the lumber."

"What else did you do with the lumber, my son?"

"I kind of... built my neighbor a garage."

"My word! That is quite a bit of lumber you've taken. Was there any more?"

"Um... yes."

"Well, what ELSE did you do with the lumber, my son?"

"I kind of... built a yaht."

"MY SON!" the priest exclaimed, "To have taken so much for such a trivial reason is surely a great sin. You must work hard to absolve yourself. Do you feel contrition?"

"Yes father."

"Do you know how to make a Novena?"

"Not offhand, father, but if you've got the plans, I've got the lumber."
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Postby Kittyboymuffin on Tue Aug 28, 2007 6:55 pm

*is giggling madly here, just so you all know* :lol:

I can't think of any good ones, you've all stolen some of the best ones I know @.@
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Postby RevChris77 on Wed Aug 29, 2007 6:32 am

The Mother Superior is busy in her office at the nunnery when suddenly there is a knock at the door. She opens the door and finds six of the Seven Dwarves standing there. "Can I help you?" she asks. "Yes," replies Doc. "Are there any three-foot nuns here?"

"Don't be absurd," answers the Mother Superior, and she closes the door. A few minutes later there is another knock. She opens the door and finds the dwarves again. "Now what?" she asks. "Well," says Grumpy, "we were wondering if there are any 3 ft nuns anywhere in the city."

"Absolutely not," she snaps, and shuts the door.

Several minutes later there is another knock at the door. This time Sleepy asks, "Do you think there might be any 3 ft nuns anywhere in the whole country?"

The Mother Superior angrily closes the door without bothering to reply. A few minutes later, the dwarves knock again. The Mother Superior flings the door open and screams, "NO, NO, NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FT NUNS IN THIS NUNNERY, IN THIS CITY, IN THIS COUNTRY, OR ANYWHERE ON EARTH & THERE NEVER HAVE BEEN AND THERE NEVER WILL BE! EVER!!! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE." And she slams the door closed.

The dwarves stand there for a moment, stunned by her outburst. Then they start to chant: "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin..."
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Postby WangyJohn on Wed Aug 29, 2007 9:07 am

An Irishman was stuck on a desert island. A few months later, a ship sailed past and they saw the man, and rescued him.

As the irishman recovered in the infermary, the captain looked at the island. he saw three huts on the beach. He summoned the man and asked:
"Were there any other survivors?"

"No, sir" said the irishman.

"Then why the three huts?"

"Ah, you see, the one int he middle is me house" The irishman told. "The one on the left, is the church I went to every suday to pray, and whenever I felt depressed"

"And the one on the right?" The captain asked.

"Oh, that's the church I DON'T go to."
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby RevChris77 on Wed Aug 29, 2007 9:08 am

News Release: New Penis Study

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and a cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results of were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect.

After three years and a cost on excess of $250,000 they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the WOMAN with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to conduct their own study. The Poles didn't really trust the U.S. or German studies.

So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the Polish study was complete. The Polish study came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
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Postby Aeridus on Wed Aug 29, 2007 10:45 am

HAH! XD
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Postby RevChris77 on Thu Aug 30, 2007 5:35 am

The Three Chinese Tortures

A man had been lost and wandering in the Chinese wilderness for 3 months. All he had to eat was what he could forage and was forced to sleep wherever he could find meager shelter. One day he came upon an old farm house. In answer to his knock, an old Chinese gentleman asked "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"I have been lost in the wilderness for 3 months and have not had a decent meal or nights sleep in just as long. May I stay the night?"

The old man agreed under the condition that there be no messing with his granddaughter. "I will cause you no trouble," the man said.

"That's very good," said the old man, "because if I catch you with my granddaughter, you will suffer the three most severe Chinese tortures." The granddaughter attended the evening meal and the man was awestruck by her beauty. Since he had been alone for so long and she had not been with a man in her life, they could hardly keep their eyes off of each other during the meal.

Later that night the man crept into her room and they had a terrific time together. They were careful to be quiet lest they awaken the grandfather. Afterwards, the man returned to his room (on the third floor), and thought, "That marvelous experience was worth enduring a thousand tortures." He then fell promptly asleep and had the best sleep in three months.

Upon awakening, he felt an incredible weight on his chest. He then realized that there was a 100 pound rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that read: "1st Chinese Torture - 100 Pound Rock On Chest."

This is some lame torture thought the man as he carried it over to the window and threw it out. Then he noticed another sign on the bottom of the rock: "2nd Chinese torture - Right Testicle Tied To Rock." Knowing that it was too late to catch the rock, the man hurled himself out of the window after it. Passing through the window the man saw a third sign on the window ledge: "3rd Chinese Torture - Left Testicle Tied To Bedpost."
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Postby RevChris77 on Thu Aug 30, 2007 12:26 pm

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and Invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!" Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mother! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

==-==-==-==-==-==-==

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says 'Humm, buffalo come'. The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, 'I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come'? and the Indian replies, 'ear sticky'.
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Postby Fireydragon on Thu Aug 30, 2007 12:45 pm

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen, Aleve is also called Naproxen, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafailin. Also considered were Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "Mount & Do"

Also for your consideration; there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer 's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Postby Aeridus on Thu Aug 30, 2007 5:19 pm

Cute. XD
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Postby Kittyboymuffin on Thu Aug 30, 2007 8:48 pm

The one I heard was Mycoxaflopin. Close enough. :3
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Kinkymuffin ^^

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Postby RevChris77 on Fri Aug 31, 2007 6:43 am

Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4 and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in code.One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to Katie, "Tell your mother I would really like to type a letter."

Katie runs off to find her mom. "Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would like to type a letter." Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that he can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

Katie tears off to her father and says, " Daddy, daddy, mommy says you can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen on a bit of nookie and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he can type that letter today."

Katie went off to look for her father and told him, "Daddy, mommy says you can type the letter today."

"That's OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your mother that I don't need the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand."
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Postby Aeridus on Sat Sep 01, 2007 10:10 am

Clever euphemisms. XD
Village Idiot Vs World webcomic and other works of art

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Postby WangyJohn on Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:13 pm

A man arrived in a village in the african jungle. The moment he arrived, he noticed a constant drumming sounding from the nearby forest.

He stopped a local and asked "Whats with the drumming?"

The man went pale, and said "I'm sorry, I can't tell you"

"Well, will it end soon"

"Good heavens, I hope not"

"Why"

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you.

A few days go past, and the guy is really pissed off at the drumming and asked "Look, what with the drumming, what happens when it ends?"

The native shuddered, and said "The bass solo"
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby Boring 7 on Sun Sep 02, 2007 4:46 am

A successful businessman, who had made it all decided he wanted to use some of his huge piles of money to fulfill a childhood dream of going on an African Jungle Safari. He located and hired a reputable guide who told him that the safari required himself as the guide, a porter for their supplies, a dog, and a well-trained pygmy who carried a rifle.

The first day, the crew went into the jungle, and the man spotted a large chimpanzee in a tree. The guide told him to wait there, and climbed the tree. The chimp jumped out of the tree to avoid the guide, and the dog immediately pounced forward and bit the chimp in the balls, who screamed and passed out. The whole time the pygmy with the gun looked on impassively. The pygmy's apparent uselessness bothered the businessman, but he let it slide.

The second day, the crew went deeper into the jungle, and they spotted a larger ape. As you can probably guess, the guide climbed, the ape jumped, the dog pounced, and they captured another ape all hile the pygmy did nothing. That evening the businessman asked the guide, "what's the deal with the pygmy. I mean, he doesn't do anything. I don't want to accuse you of padding, but he seems so pointless!"

"Trust me," the guide replied, "he is *very* important to this safari."

The third day, which you probably know holds the punchline, the crew went the deepest they had ever gone into the jungle. Even the guide was in unfamiliar territory. They spotted a great silverbacked ape sitting in a tree, and the guide climbed it. But this time the great ape did not jump out of the tree but attacked the guide, wrestled him off the limb he was holding and tossed him down towards the ground.

As the guide was falling, he screamed at the pygmy, "shoot the dog! Shoot the dog!"
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Postby Unholy on Sun Sep 02, 2007 11:22 am

boring 7 wrote:A successful businessman, who had made it all decided he wanted to use some of his huge piles of money to fulfill a childhood dream of going on an African Jungle Safari. He located and hired a reputable guide who told him that the safari required himself as the guide, a porter for their supplies, a dog, and a well-trained pygmy who carried a rifle.

The first day, the crew went into the jungle, and the man spotted a large chimpanzee in a tree. The guide told him to wait there, and climbed the tree. The chimp jumped out of the tree to avoid the guide, and the dog immediately pounced forward and bit the chimp in the balls, who screamed and passed out. The whole time the pygmy with the gun looked on impassively. The pygmy's apparent uselessness bothered the businessman, but he let it slide.

The second day, the crew went deeper into the jungle, and they spotted a larger ape. As you can probably guess, the guide climbed, the ape jumped, the dog pounced, and they captured another ape all hile the pygmy did nothing. That evening the businessman asked the guide, "what's the deal with the pygmy. I mean, he doesn't do anything. I don't want to accuse you of padding, but he seems so pointless!"

"Trust me," the guide replied, "he is *very* important to this safari."

The third day, which you probably know holds the punchline, the crew went the deepest they had ever gone into the jungle. Even the guide was in unfamiliar territory. They spotted a great silverbacked ape sitting in a tree, and the guide climbed it. But this time the great ape did not jump out of the tree but attacked the guide, wrestled him off the limb he was holding and tossed him down towards the ground.

As the guide was falling, he screamed at the pygmy, "shoot the dog! Shoot the dog!"


Lol, this one made me laugh the most.

You just know the pygmy was slow to react and the dog bit him in the balls anyway, lol.
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Postby WD on Sun Sep 02, 2007 11:43 am

hi all!

been lurking a while and thought this had to be posted :P

I'll cut a few bits out because it drones on a bit. (also i'm not the most religious - so excuse if i balls up the confession bits :P)

4 women go to confession after a long weekend of drinking and excess. The first enters and confesses "Father, this weekend I saw a man's penis". The priest is shocked. "Wash your eyes in the holy water and say 50 hail mary's" he advises, motioning towards the font.

The second enters the booth and confesses "Father, i touched a man's penis" The priest is clearly more shocked but repeats the same "Wash your hands in the holy water and 50 hail mary's". The woman carries on.

Outside a bit of a brawl is starting between the remaining 2 women. "Me first". The priest appeals for calm and asks the women what is going on...

"If i'm gonna have to gargle that water i'm doing it before she washes her arse in it!" she replies

I'll go get my coat eh?
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Postby Aeridus on Sun Sep 02, 2007 3:38 pm

Nice one. XD

*is now wary of all holy water basins*
Village Idiot Vs World webcomic and other works of art

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Postby Boring 7 on Sun Sep 02, 2007 10:50 pm

Bob's girlfriend came home and said, "I'm breaking up with you."
Bob asked, "why?"
Bob's girlfriend replied, "Because I heard you were a sick pedophile."
Bob stroked his beard and said, "Wow, 'pedophile', that's a pretty big word for a 5-year-old."

Where am I going and why am I suddenly in this handbasket?
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