Laugh, damn you. -_-

The forum for Ghastly's Ghastly Comic. NSFW
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Postby Indigo Violent on Sun Oct 14, 2007 11:55 pm

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for
an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Fishbone," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! For what do you pray?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray
for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our
children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fcukin' wall."
"In operating system terms, what would you say the legal system is equivalent to?"
"Slow. Buggy. Uses up all allocated resources and still needs more. Windows. Definitely Windows."
~Freefall
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Postby RevChris77 on Mon Oct 15, 2007 5:24 am

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
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Postby Error of Logic on Mon Oct 15, 2007 6:38 am

RevChris77 wrote:, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"


Heh heh heh, that is both cute and funny.
Non-pervert. (Title bestowed by ManaUser.)

Deviating from the norm on a forum of the deviant? What does that make me?

Please keep your rhinoceros grey.

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Postby Aeridus on Mon Oct 15, 2007 3:35 pm

What do you call someone who is apathetic about being constipated?






Someone who doesn't give a shit.
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Postby RavenxDrake on Mon Oct 15, 2007 5:27 pm

What do you call a cow with two legs.
Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs.
Ground Beef.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.
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Think the Unthinkable,
Do the Undoable,
"F" the Ineffable,
And Unscrew the Inscrutable.
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Postby Aeridus on Mon Oct 15, 2007 6:19 pm

What kind of porn does a 10-second amnesiac masturbate to?





Something involving a lot of rowing.
"Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!"
Village Idiot Vs World webcomic and other works of art

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~Mavis Leyrer
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Postby LeftTentacleGreen on Mon Oct 15, 2007 11:53 pm

Grab your dick and double click for porn! Porn! PORN! - "The Internet is for Porn", Avenue Q

Congratulations! You Have Saved the World From Stupidity! - Zak McKracken and the Alien Mindbenders
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Postby RevChris77 on Tue Oct 16, 2007 6:07 am

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about he day you died."

"No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough,the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily excersises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel. "OK. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
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Postby Aeridus on Tue Oct 16, 2007 10:00 am

Hee, that's a personal fave. :D
Village Idiot Vs World webcomic and other works of art

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Postby Swordsman3003 on Tue Oct 16, 2007 6:53 pm

An aide handed back Winston Churchill a speech that he had authored, and Churchill was became incredibly angry.

The aide had the audacity to correct the grammar in his speech! Apparently, Churchill had ended a sentence in a preposition, and the aide had marked it as incorrect.

Furious, Churchill stood up and shouted "THIS IS THE KIND OF ERRANT PEDANTRY UP WITH WHICH I WILL NOT PUT!"
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Postby Churba on Tue Oct 16, 2007 7:51 pm

Furious, Churchill stood up and shouted "THIS IS THE KIND OF ERRANT PEDANTRY UP WITH WHICH I WILL NOT PUT!"


With which I shall not Put, dear.
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Postby Swordsman3003 on Tue Oct 16, 2007 8:03 pm

god fucking damnit
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Postby WangyJohn on Wed Oct 17, 2007 2:19 am

How many forum posts does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another

6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum,
and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

1 to state that a light bulb does not emit light, it sucks dark. After it is full, it stays dark.
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby Ltc_insane on Wed Oct 17, 2007 4:44 am

Error of Logic wrote:Okay, here's one that's bound to ruffle a few feathers. It is not meant to seriously offend anyone's position, however.

As seen on a tombstone in a computer game:

'Here lies an atheist. All dressed up and nowehere to go.'


some one has been playing Baldur's Gate ;)
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Postby RevChris77 on Wed Oct 17, 2007 5:58 am

Rules of the Road...

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
* Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
* Death to all fanatics!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar high and free, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists.....they don't expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of men give the rest a bad name.
* 99 percent of women give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
* Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
* Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
* She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
* I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
* Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
* Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
* A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
* Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
* There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes.
* The whole purpose of your life could be to only serve as a warning to others.
* If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
* Don't abandon hope: your Captain Galaxy decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
* It's bad luck to be superstitious.
* Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
* Had this been an actual emergency, I would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.
* Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
* Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
* They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.
* If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
* Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
* I love animals, they taste great.
* EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
* "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest!
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
* I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
* All generalizations are false.
* "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
* What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
* Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
* If you are psychic - think "HONK"
* A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
* Put on your seat belt...I wanna try something.
* The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
* Don't study history: there's no future in it.
* Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
* If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
* Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
* Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
* DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
* There are three kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can't.
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
* If you can't convince them, confuse them.
* Death is hereditary.
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
* Dyslexics of the world, untie!
* If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer!
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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Postby RevChris77 on Thu Oct 18, 2007 5:41 am

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
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Postby WangyJohn on Thu Oct 18, 2007 8:37 am

A hypnotist was holding a show in a small country town. making people bark like dogs, shiver of imaginary cold, etc. After a few minutes of display per case, he would blow at their face, and they'd snap out of it. After the usual show, he turned to the audience and asked: "Any of you not convinced?"

An elderly farmer raised his hand.

"Allright, come up here" the hypnotist called.

The man climbed on stage, and the hypnotist asked: "Tell me, is there anything I could do to you"

"Well, I haven't been able to get it up for years" The farmer replied

The hypnotist laughed and made a quick quip, and whispered to the farmer "I can't help you with that in front of the audience, but come see me after the show"

So the farmer came round after the show, and the hypnotists waved his hand in front of the farmer, and soon a bulge rose in the farmers pants. Then, the farmer pulled out a gun and said "and don't you be as much as breathing out now"
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby RevChris77 on Thu Oct 18, 2007 8:54 am

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."
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Postby Ce6 on Thu Oct 18, 2007 10:58 pm

Life is what you make of it. You only get one shot, do with it what you can to make it the best.
Rants, raves, and just about anything else I feel like sharing on no particular topic whatsoever.
"The world...it's...it's full of stupid." -JB
"I'm going to the special hell." - Ghastly
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Postby Aeridus on Fri Oct 19, 2007 7:15 am

That safe now site rocks. XD
Village Idiot Vs World webcomic and other works of art

“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, ‘Holy shit! What a ride!’ "
~Mavis Leyrer
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