Laugh, damn you. -_-

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Postby Aeridus on Tue Oct 09, 2007 6:38 am

ManaUser wrote:She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."

*giggles madly*
Village Idiot Vs World webcomic and other works of art

“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, ‘Holy shit! What a ride!’ "
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Postby RevChris77 on Wed Oct 10, 2007 6:30 am

An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each others company.

After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually anymore, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?"

The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would. Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man's penis.

One day the man didn't show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his penis in the other woman's hand.

This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, "We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"

"Parkinson's," replied the old man with a smile.

==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==

"What a great meal!" said Ray. "I knew my buddy was lucky to have such a beautiful wife, but I didn't know you were a fantastic cook, too."

"Thanks, Ray," said his friend's wife, "but I must warn you: I expect my husband home in an hour."

"But I'm not doing anything wrong," protested Ray.

"I know," she sighed. "I just wanted to let you know how much time you had!"
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Postby Lulujayne on Wed Oct 10, 2007 7:03 am

I know this is pages too late, but the spider is a huntsman, and funnel web spiders aren't very big at all. In fact the males are pretty pathetically tiny (as with most male arachnids.)

Huntsmen are harmless poison-wise, but big ones (like in that pic) can hurt like buggery if they bite, which they rarely do, because they're quite shy fuzzy things really.

*checks for a redback on her dunny seat*


Anyways, back to the regularly scheduled programming :)
I shall keep myself in oysters for the rest of the week, thank you very much.
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Postby WangyJohn on Wed Oct 10, 2007 9:52 am

The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby RevChris77 on Thu Oct 11, 2007 5:25 am

A survey asked women what they would do if they woke up and had a penis for the day ... These responses were taken from the survey:

* I would write my name in the snow.
* I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say "where is my raise?"
* I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him & tell him to roll over & try something new.
* I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.
* I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.
* I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.
* I would measure it both ways.
* Pee off a tall building.
* I would get racked to see if it really hurts.
* I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.
* I would see what a woman felt like on the other end.
* I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with him all day.
* Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.
* Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.
* I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.
* Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best.
* Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.
* See how many donuts I could carry with it. Check out my boyfriend's gag reflex.
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Postby RevChris77 on Fri Oct 12, 2007 5:37 am

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
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Postby RevChris77 on Fri Oct 12, 2007 5:39 am

Orgasms

* Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
* Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
* Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
* Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
* Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
* Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
* Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
* Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
* Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
* Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
* Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
* Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
* Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
* Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
* Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
* Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
* Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
* Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
* Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
* Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
* Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
* Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
* Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
* Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
* Sex while traveling - tour-gasms.
* Sex with a big dog - Labrador-gasms.
* Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
* Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.
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Postby Kittyboymuffin on Fri Oct 12, 2007 9:28 am

Is it an inclusive ORgasm or an exclusive ORgasm? Or maybe an ANDgasm?
A catboy is fine too. And I dancedancedance and I dancedancedance!

Kinkymuffin ^^

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Postby Indigo Violent on Fri Oct 12, 2007 7:13 pm

On their return from a long voyage at sea, the crew of a whaling vessel was feeling the need for some release. So they all stripped naked, jumped into the vat of whale oil aboard, and masturbated furiously.
Six months after their return, there was a spate of mysterious pregnancies in convents across the nation.
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Postby RevChris77 on Sat Oct 13, 2007 8:22 am

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under some palm trees.

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of handwoven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered - not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom - and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more!" the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail?"
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Postby Churba on Sat Oct 13, 2007 4:21 pm

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean.


Did he wipe it off?
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Postby Crushogre on Sat Oct 13, 2007 11:20 pm

A man walks into a bar and says, "ow".
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Postby RavenxDrake on Sat Oct 13, 2007 11:47 pm

A Horse walkes into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Hey, man, why the long face?"
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Think the Unthinkable,
Do the Undoable,
"F" the Ineffable,
And Unscrew the Inscrutable.
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Postby MistressMaggie on Sun Oct 14, 2007 12:45 am

two men walk into a bar... you'd think the second one would have seen it coming.
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Postby Lulujayne on Sun Oct 14, 2007 12:53 am

So, a bar walks into a man - No wait!
I shall keep myself in oysters for the rest of the week, thank you very much.
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Postby WangyJohn on Sun Oct 14, 2007 3:03 am

A dyslectic walks into a bra.
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby RevChris77 on Sun Oct 14, 2007 5:40 am

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
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Postby RavenxDrake on Sun Oct 14, 2007 6:10 am

A sandwitch, a soda, and a bag of chips walk into a bar and the bartender looks up and goes, "Hey, we don't serve lunch here."

A bit of string walks into a bar and sits down and orders a beer. The bartender says "Look, we don't serve string here," and throws him out. Undaunted the piece of string ties itself up tight in the middle two or three times and flares out it's ends into fringes and hops right back into the bar and orders a bar. The bartender asks him "Aren't you that piece of string I just threw out of here?" "Nope," it replies, "I'm a frayed knot."
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Do the Undoable,
"F" the Ineffable,
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Postby Kittyboymuffin on Sun Oct 14, 2007 10:00 am

Image
A catboy is fine too. And I dancedancedance and I dancedancedance!

Kinkymuffin ^^

Quote: "The only thing better than tentacles is twentyacles." -- Dori, at TS MUSH
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Postby RevChris77 on Sun Oct 14, 2007 11:34 am

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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