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Postby MistressMaggie on Thu Sep 27, 2007 3:52 pm

BriHahn wrote:Yes well, my master says you'll never know. :P


Bri, darling, I thought we agreed you would call me Mistress? ;)
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Postby BriHahn on Thu Sep 27, 2007 6:08 pm

Oh, I was talking about him. *motions behind her to the hot and sexy Puerto Rican watching them both* He told me to tell you he wants to *ahem* have some fun, by the way. *waggles eyebrows and leers*
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons... for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
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Postby RevChris77 on Fri Sep 28, 2007 2:42 pm

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive them to the woods again. He spends all day shagging the pigs and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
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Postby RevChris77 on Sun Sep 30, 2007 4:15 pm

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
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Postby WangyJohn on Mon Oct 01, 2007 1:08 am

The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby RevChris77 on Mon Oct 01, 2007 4:53 am

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!"

So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?"

"NO! I'm an asshole!"
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Postby Lowky on Mon Oct 01, 2007 6:30 am



Thanks for the new avatar
nik said @ 6:45pm on 2nd Oct [Score:1 Funny] - moderate/reply
If she's not got an octopus in her cunt, she's not really Japanese.

Hope this helps.
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Postby BriHahn on Mon Oct 01, 2007 3:27 pm

Okay, I remembered a joke today while I was at work (not sure what prompted the memory, honestly) and NOW I can contribute!

Bill was a regular guy who worked at a pickle factory, putting the caps on the jars of pickles. One day, he came home to his wife and said, "Honey, I have something I have to get off my chest... I have the strangest urge to stick my penis in the pickle slicer!"

His wife looked at him a little worriedly and said, "Well, Bill, honey... maybe you should, you know, seek some professional help for that, because that can't be good!"

"No no no," Bill said, shaking his head. "It'll be fine, I'll deal with it, it's cool." So Bill goes back to work the next day; comes home that evening, white as a GHOST. Says to his wife, "Um, honey... you remember that urge I told you about?"

His wife gasps. "Oohhhh.... Bill, you DIDN'T!"

Bill hangs his head. "Yeah... yeah I did."

"Well... Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No... Bill, what happened with the pickle slicer?!?!?"

"Oh... she got fired too!"
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons... for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
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Postby Aeridus on Mon Oct 01, 2007 6:06 pm

Mmmm... sexy pickle slicers...
Last edited by Aeridus on Tue Oct 02, 2007 6:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby RevChris77 on Tue Oct 02, 2007 5:15 am

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
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Postby Error of Logic on Tue Oct 02, 2007 9:02 am

Two young men, Steve and Bob, meet in a bar. Steve is hitting the sauce pretty hard, so Bob asks him what's wrong.
"I can't get a steady girlfriend, man," Steve moans. "Everytime I find a nice girl, I have some fun times with her, but once I take her home to meet the family ... all Hell breaks loose! My mom always scares them away! She never thinks any of them are good enough for me, it's hopeless."
"The answer to your problem is simple, my friend," Bob assures him. "Just find a nice, pretty girl that has similar tastes to your mom. Make the girl as much like your mom as she can be and she'll accept her."
Steve says he'll try and the two of them part.

A few weeks later, Bob steps into the same bar and sees Steve, who is making a spirited attempt to drown himself in beer. When Bob asks him what's wrong, Steve replies: "My latest girlfriend got shot down at home. She was running so hard, she's probably in another timezone by now!"
Bob asks: "Didn't you do as I suggested?"
Steve starts to cry as he explains: "This girl was perfect. She looked just like my mom did when she was her age, she liked the same movies, foods, games, hated the same politicians, brands ... When they met, they just instantly hit it off, it was beautiful."
Bob asks: "Then what went wrong?"
Steve: "My dad took one look at her and chased her off!"
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Postby RevChris77 on Wed Oct 03, 2007 5:23 am

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American.

==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==

The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense.

So, the reporter calls the local airport and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him: See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can. Incredulous, the pilot says: You want me to fly over that fire? Sure, the reporter says, I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!

The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says: You're not the flight instructor?
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Postby RevChris77 on Thu Oct 04, 2007 8:44 am

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==

So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemen's Club."

One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over.

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.
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Postby RevChris77 on Fri Oct 05, 2007 4:31 am

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
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Postby WangyJohn on Fri Oct 05, 2007 10:28 am

A businessman had flown to Japan for an important meeting with a local corpoation. On the morning of the meeting, he went to the info-desk at the hotel and asked the receptionist "Do you have a barber in this hotel"
"Ah, no, we are fully automated, you see. Down that hall you'll find a robotic hairdresser"
The businessman was puzzled, but decided to go and look. And what do you know, he found a chair with a headpiece, and a slot for coins. The label said "This machine will give you the greatest haircut you've ever had"
The man inserted a few coins, and sat in the chair. The machine hummed, and as the label had told, it certainly was a great haircut. Satisfied, the man looked around him, he still had time, and decided to try some other machines out.
One had two holes on the side and a label that said "This machine will give you the greatest manicure you've ever had". He inserted a few coins, and put his hands in the machine, the machine hummed, and why, yes, he got a great manicure.
Curiously, he looked around, and found another machine. THis one had one small hole on the side, and a label that said "This machine does what every man wishes his wife would do when they are away from home" The man looked around, no-one else was there, but decided to put his thumb in the hole. The machine hummed, and when he took out his thumb, on the tip of it, was a button matching the ones on his suit, sown in with clean stitches.
The gospel preacher, the hostile teacher/The face of God with an impostor's features
This is the prophecy - the cult leader/The people's temple, the holy ground, the war compound
Four-pound to rifles, disciples, the holy idles/Supreme truth, the cult leader with the green tooth
The multi-millionaire with a stare that can freeze troops/I program people to kill
The motiviational speaker, my words cause people to feel/It's mind control, let the cult leader guide your soul
Open up your eyes to the lies he told/The general, the chief, I be the political pioneer
The cult leader, you can believe in me, I am here/Bless the children, take you under my wing, shelter
Helter Skelter, this is it, you can't kill me I'll exist forever. Cult Leader!
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Postby Lowky on Sun Oct 07, 2007 4:14 pm

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."



The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're kidding me!"



The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it.
nik said @ 6:45pm on 2nd Oct [Score:1 Funny] - moderate/reply
If she's not got an octopus in her cunt, she's not really Japanese.

Hope this helps.
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Postby RevChris77 on Mon Oct 08, 2007 6:50 pm

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"

"Yes, Father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?" Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
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Postby Detective Clem on Mon Oct 08, 2007 7:09 pm

RevChris77 wrote:The band played "God Save the Queen."
I lol'd
Bukkakeing on chalk outlines the world over. Let's see Grissom and his bugs explain that one!
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Postby ManaUser on Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:26 pm

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
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Postby RevChris77 on Tue Oct 09, 2007 5:02 am

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager;

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr - gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."
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