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PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 9:43 am
by RevChris77
Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied'.

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next morning she put two in his coffee, and that night they REALLY got it on. They next day she said, "what the hell" and put the whole bottle in his coffee. A few days later the doctor called to see how things were. The woman's son answered the phone.

When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead, sis is pregnant, my asshole hurts and dad is out naked in the yard yelling "Here Kitty Kitty."

==-==-==-==-===-==-==-==-==-===-==-==-==-==

A boy 15, is anticipating his first time with a woman. He goes into a drugstore to buy a condom. but only has a dollar. He finally finds one for a dollar and brings it to the cashier. The cashier rings it up and says " that will be a dollar and seven cents.

He says, "But the tag said a dollar."

The cashier replied "oh that is plus tax".

"TAX?!?!?!" the boy cries. "I thought you just slide them on."

PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 10:15 am
by WangyJohn
A young man goes to a drug store for some condoms. He notices there are three different sized packages by the counter. He approarches the clerk and asks about it.

"Oh, see, this smallest one, it's the highschool size"

"What does that mean"

"There are three condoms there, on for friday, one for saturday, and one for sunday".

"Oh, what about this middle one"

"That's the college version. One for monday, one for tuesday, one for wendsday, one for thursday, one for friday, one for saturday and one for sunday"

"What about this big one"

"Oh that's the marriage version. One for january, one for february, one for march..."

PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 10:47 am
by RevChris77
Two builders, Fred and Bill, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit".

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."

Bill: "No way! He's a stockbroker."

Fred: "He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several jugs get the better of the builder...

Fred: "Scuse me...no offense meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"

Suit: "No offense taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession"

Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"

Suit: "I'll try to explain by example. ...Do you have a goldfish at home?"

Fred: "Er...mmm...well, yeah, I do as it happens!"

Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"

Fred: "It's in a pond."

Suit: "Well, then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden."

Fred: "As it happens, yes, I have got a big garden."

Suit: "Well then It's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden that you have a large house."

Fred: "As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself."

Suit: "Well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married."

Fred: "Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife."

Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often."

Fred: "Me? Never!"

Suit: "Well there you are, that's logical science at work!"

Fred: "How's that then?"

Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and about your sex life!"

Fred: "I see. That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!"

They both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.

Bill: "I see the suit was in there, did you ask him what he did?

Fred: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"

Bill: "What's that then?"

Fred: "I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?"

Bill: "Nope"

Fred: "Well then, you're a Wanker...."

PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 9:33 am
by Kittyboymuffin

PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 10:03 am
by WangyJohn
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28532

[Edit.]
Kittyboymuffin wrote:I has joke kleptomania :3

That's pretty hot.

You should do a series of porn stories that are modifications of various Shaggy Dog Stories.

PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 12:06 pm
by RevChris77
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying,

"I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"

PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 10:09 am
by RevChris77
A bloke goes into a pub and orders a drink - all of a sudden the phone rings!! The bloke slaps his hand on the bar and starts talking! The barman being curious walks up and hears two conversations, one from this guys hand! The bloke ends his conversation and smacks his fist on the bar - The barman turns to the bloke and asks "What was that?"

The bloke answers, "My phone, I've had a mobile phone surgically implanted into the palm of my hand, the latest technology!" The barman being rather taken aback says "that's incredible!!", and the bloke has a few more drinks.

After a while the bloke asks for directions to the toilet and the barman sends him off in the right direction. 15 Minutes later the bloke hasn't returned and the barman starts to get worried. He walks into the toilet to see this bloke with both hands up against the wall, his trousers round his ankles and a length of toilet paper hanging out of ass !!!!!

The barman, thinking this is a bit kinky shouts out, "What's going on here???" The bloke turns round and says, "Hang on a second mate, I'm just waiting for a FAX!!"

PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 11:49 am
by Kittyboymuffin
WangyJohn wrote:
Kittyboymuffin wrote:I has joke kleptomania :3

That's pretty hot.

You should do a series of porn stories that are modifications of various Shaggy Dog Stories.
Eh, I think at the moment I'm more likely to develop the setting of that one.

PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 12:04 pm
by WangyJohn
Speaking of that setting, I started to scetch out a story of the basic premisis that God is an utter mad bastard, outside the select few, most people go to hell. After the rapture, when everyone raises and is sent to afterlife, Satan, who's not that bad of a guy, really, makes the two outer levels of hell into what resembles earth (with you know, no-one dying). However, due to overpopulation and confusion, a bunch of people are cast to the third level, which is basicly a demon neighbourhood (from where you have a nice view of the inner circles of hell, allmost empty). One of them is bit like the 'pet' from your story, who is temporarily housed with one demon, who shows her the ropes (wink wink nudge nudge), and the truth about afterlife and god.

PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 6:36 pm
by ManaUser
WangyJohn wrote:Speaking of that setting, I started to scetch out a story of the basic premisis that God is an utter mad bastard

That sounds like a fun theme. Certainly it's the only logical conclusion one could reach if they took the bible as a literal account of his behavior. And it does stand to reason then, that Satan might not be as bad as God makes him out to be.

PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 8:59 pm
by Kittyboymuffin
Actually ... well, look at the opening quote here.

PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 6:23 am
by RevChris77
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"We got her," replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 5:15 am
by RevChris77
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'

The breakfast was my idea."

PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 6:47 am
by Aeridus
That's just priceless. XD

PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 4:13 am
by Trekkiekt
It's Parents's Job Day at school and the kids are all telling the class what their parents do at work. One is an accountant, one a banker, one a carpenter and so on.

Well, it comes to Little Johnny's turn and he stands up in front of the class and says "My daddy works in a place where he takes his clothes off in front of other men and sometimes if they give him money they come home and they have a sleepover and it's like I have two daddys!"

Well, the teacher is shocked to say the least and, after the rest of the class is fingerpainting, takes Little Johnny aside and asks him if what he said is true. "No it isn't Miss," he replies. "Then why did you say such a horrible thing?" she asks. "Because Miss, I didn't want to tell everyone my Daddy played for the Cantebury Bulldogs Miss. It's too embarassing."

PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 4:42 am
by RevChris77
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this--When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 5:26 am
by RevChris77
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 1:19 pm
by BriHahn
While I have yet to contribute to this thread, I just want to say I've enjoyed all the submissions. :D

PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 1:20 pm
by RevChris77
BriHahn wrote:While I have yet to contribute to this thread, I just want to say I've enjoyed all the submissions. :D

I've heard things about you enjoying submission....

PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 1:39 pm
by BriHahn
Yes well, my master says you'll never know. :P