a brutal crossroad, psudeo emo empiphany/mid life crisis

[Spiral Zer0]

warning serious buisness and bitching ahead.

I've been living in virginia for about nine months and I don't really feel as if anything has changed. I still have conflicts with my old man, I'm uncomfortable at work and I've been finding myself depressed diving into a mood of selfishness as well as a cynical, bitter hatred towards mankind.

I want out though, I want to go to college but I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I feel obsolete most times perhaps incompetent and i'm tired of feeling as if my brain isn't working as well as it should *if that makes sense I love you*.

I'm frustrated annoyed and I think I'm balding.

to those older than me I ask if you could share with me hard expirences so I could use it to reflect on my life. or perhaps just someone to talk to for christs sake.

I'm sick of where I am and I need out as soon as possible, I'm tired of being a creep and a wierdo.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing enough.

[LeftTentacleGreen]

You know, I felt a lot like you.. and then I found something to make me feel like I was loved and that I could love everyone around me.

I FOUND JESUS!










pfffft. hahaha I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. Honestly, I do know what you mean.

You could always look into starting your own business. That's what I'm doing. I'm tired of waiting around for my opportunity to walk up to me, so I'm going to go out and make my own. I'll be attending a workshop next week in Chicago for screen printing and I've bought a few books to help me build my own online business/webcomic/blog.

I'm going to be making pro-liberal, pro-atheist, pro-society, pro-homosexual gear for the masses. Also I'll be attempting to spit out two webcomics weekly (or close to it). One comic will be about political superheros, the other will be a spoof of christianity. Also, I'll be blogging my personal topics on there and hopefully get some advertising on MoveOn.org and CrooksandLiars.com.

The point is look for something that makes you happy and see if you can turn a profit off of it. If nothing else, you could always make an online store for large people selling t-shirts at low prices. If you want to learn a new trade, learn how to make leather and then look into raising snakes for their leather. If you're afraid of going bald, shave your head and grow a goatee (its better than waiting around and doing the comb-over bit).

But don't just go to college with the blind hope that you'll find something there that'll make you happy. If you don't have a plan or a good idea of who you are first, you'll just be wasting your time and money.

[Wilmo]

virginia eh? college eh?

I dont know if UVA is still accepting people for this academic year, but if you wind up there gimme a ring. (especially if your in the chem department, we can be BFF)




I dont know if this helps; but, hang in there... consider very seriously what needs a change... is it worth it to you? if you need to make a change, find a clear and responsible way to make it happen; always have a contingency plan. Be sure not to close yourself off






I've been where you are, it took me two years of an emotional rollercoaster to find the motivation and direction that's led me here; but, for the first time in 2 years, I can honestly say that I am happy. If you need to talk or something PM me.

[Orwell]

Sounds somewhat familiar, though I don't have serious conflicts with my family I wouldn't miss seeing them except for maybe thanksgiving, my family's hair has always been thick well into old age, and I just got fired my job. Right into another one that I'm relatively happy with, and the ladder only goes up. Life's pretty good, no physical problems, no direct crisis', money for college.

However not a day goes by when at some point I ask why haven't I fucking killed myself yet.




I don't think I have a point. I do have AIM.

[Jpnadia]

You know, I felt a lot like you.. and then I found something to make me feel like I was loved and that I could love everyone around me.

I FOUND JESUS!

And then you hooked up with the hot person working at the Lost and Found where you turned him in to be claimed by his rightful owner, right? That always makes me feel happy and loved.

[Seth Marati]

If you don't have a plan or a good idea of who you are first, you'll just be wasting your time and money.

And, uh... How would one go about finding that out about oneself? You know, just in case there are those of us who are, um... confused about that sort of thing.

[Lowky]

If you don't have a plan or a good idea of who you are first, you'll just be wasting your time and money.

And, uh... How would one go about finding that out about oneself? You know, just in case there are those of us who are, um... confused about that sort of thing.

I'm not sure but I think it requires wearing a frilly french maid costume for Uncle Ghastly

[Swordsman3003]

I'm going to college, and I don't know what I'm going to do after that. I'm just winging it. I think going to college is a smart idea, living in the States. It's very important, even if sometimes the application just says "college degree y/n".

[Aeridus]

I feel obsolete most times perhaps incompetent and i'm tired of feeling as if my brain isn't working as well as it should *if that makes sense I love you*.

My brain was fried for two years due to too much stress, that was very frightening for me. It was like my own thoughts had turned against me.

[Lulujayne]

*hugs SpiralZero*

I don't know what to say to you darl', but if you want someone to just listen then PM me. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

*hugs again*

[Fnyunj]

Here's a tip: don't leave the east coast. I mean - I've known two friends who were living on the west coast, and just had terrible sex lives, couldn't find women, couldn't find women. I didn't have that experience, I brought one with, and kept her around. Both of these guys went east (Virginia - defense jobs), and within days, both of them were meeting women and getting dates, and getting laid. However bad your sex life is there, it could be worse.

I have to say - coming from Illinois, and going to California - the women here, in California, are much, much hotter looking. Just rare. And unavailable.

Unless - relationships aren't part of what's getting you down. . . then, my bad. . .

I want out though, I want to go to college but I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Hell. I have been screwing around with that one for 20 years. Pick something you're good at. Not necessarily something you like. Pick something that will sustain you. Remember Maslow's hierarchy. Survival. Often, doing something you're good at, is satisfying. (it's better than doing something you're not good at, and sucking - trust me).

I feel obsolete most times perhaps incompetent and i'm tired of feeling as if my brain isn't working as well as it should *if that makes sense I love you*.

That makes total sense. *blush*
(and I'm doing what I'm good at - and if I didn't feel incompetent, or obsolete, then it wouldn't be challenging). Sounds like you've got a little bit of a self-doubt problem though. Happens to us all. And the sucky part is, you may be right. You never know. Well, you only know if you try and fail.

Now - if you feel as if your brain isn't working as well as it should - then you may have self doubt, coupled with unreasonably high expectations of yourself. Maybe you know people for whom advanced mathematics is like second nature, and you're like me, and never really were able to force your brain into the contortions necessary to understand anything past trig. I *know* I have very strong logical reasoning skills, the kind that are supposedly ideal for understanding abstract mathematical concepts. I know this, because I specialize in troubleshooting some fairly complex computer systems for a living - things that the software PhD's can't figure out. And yet, they were outpacing me in math when they were 11. They can't even figure out how to explain something like Bayesian learning networks to me. I can't understand the formal mathematical description that's in the textbook. I can't even get past page 3. Yet, I understand how they should behave, and I can tell when one is misbehaving. Before I discovered (or developed?) this skill set, you bet I felt obsolete, or incompetent (I often still do), even retarded. But they keep coming to me for help.

So don't give up hope on yourself - you just need to be lucky enough to find your niche. Find out what you're good at, and put yourself somewhere where that skill is rare, and make yourself indispensable.

Also - if you feel as if your mind "isn't working as well as it should" - well, maybe there *IS* something physically wrong. Any number of physical ailments can cause cognitive impairments.

Sleep apnea can cause loss of oxygen to the brain, as can otherwise poor circulation. Thyroid problems can also cause serious issues with your mental focus (as well as metabolism, ability to digest food, burn calories, keep weight on, etc.) There's also all kinds of parasite and infections that can cause issues too - but those are pretty rare. Stress and Depression are much more common causes.

Some studies were done a couple years ago about adult ADHD, and how some adults with this disorder will self-medicate with caffeine, to get similar effects to Ritalin, to provide the mental focus they need.

I'm frustrated annoyed and I think I'm balding.

Hair loss is another sign of Thyroid issues - as is Depression, which goes along with anxiety, which can manifest as frustration and annoyance.

Or it could be middle age.

If it's just stress-related depression, or age-related testosterone-depletion, try working out. 30 minutes, 3 times a week minimum. Get a good sweat. It helps a lot, if that's the problem. Aerobic workout is okay for the heart, but work on muscle mass, (weight-training) to gain back some of the testosterone production. (you're not over 40, are you?).

I'm sick of where I am and I need out as soon as possible, I'm tired of being a creep and a wierdo.

Why? Let your freak-flag fly, man! My god, you're on the Internet. For every /34/ there's probably a local club that meets weekly at Denny's.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing enough.

I know that feeling.

What's worse, is FINALLY getting to do something that matters. Finally, the boss didn't shoot down one of those crazy ideas that would finally fix all those problems that have been running us ragged for the past two years. And then finding out that you were only allowed to do that, because someone higher up the food chain was too busy to be paying attention. And when they figured out what you were doing, they took that away. Because you were making them look bad.

Yeah - I'm 40. So when do I start training for triathalons? When am I going to climb Everest? When am I going to volunteer at the homeless kitchen on the weekends? When am I going to start checking in code to an open source project? When am I going to take all those awesome ideas that my bosses have shot down over the years, and start my own business? When am I going to go to Zimbabwe and build houses for poor people? When am I going to write a book? When am I going to finish my college degree? When am I going to start my masters? When am I going to build a race car? When am I going to get that pilots license? When am I going to take salsa dance lessons with my wife? When am I going to sit down and finally learn all those boy scout knots?

All I can see for the next 20 years is working to keep making house payments.

Sucks man. Sucks.

[Seth Marati]

I think I'm going to cry...

[LeftTentacleGreen]

If you don't have a plan or a good idea of who you are first, you'll just be wasting your time and money.

And, uh... How would one go about finding that out about oneself? You know, just in case there are those of us who are, um... confused about that sort of thing.

Its a lot easier than it seems. Think about who you are and what your views are concerning your place in the world. Think about what makes you happy and what makes you sad. Based on that, look to a career that can help you on your way to "distilling" your personal view of yourself and how you believe you can fit best in society, or assist in making the changes necessary within society.

if you feel your mind isn't up to the task of remembering all that, get a pad of paper and a pen and write it down as it comes to you. That's what I do when I come up with ideas. I've got stacks and stacks of paper in my room with hundreds of ideas on them. They may be a bit disorganized, but I know that they're in there and its all leading me to a single point in my life.

It all comes down to what you are prepared to do.. to be seen.. to be heard.. to be recognized.. to be understood. Find a way to distill and enhance you inner self through your career.

"And then what are you prepared to do?" - The Untouchables.


.

[Fnyunj]

I would say that who you are, also changes, as you go through life. Sometimes, dramatically. Sometimes, not so much. Sometimes, you're just kidding yourself all along. Other times, there's change, a result of learning and discovery.

[Honor]

One bit of... advice? Observation? occurs to me, first...

Don't try to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life. That's a trap, and a shell game, and just -so- last century. We're living a lot longer now, and a lot faster. Nobody does anything for the rest of their lives, unless the rest of their lives isn't a very long time.

You'll have lots of time, lots of things to do. Lots of opportunities and possibilities.

Don't try to figure out what you're going to do with the rest of your life... Just figure out what you want to do first, or, more accurately, next.

If that's too much, just figure out what you can do, or are willing to do, until you figure out what to do next.

Take a taoist point of view... Try to be in the moment. Savor it, and recognize and seize it's value.

Not everything has to be the end goal. Not everything has to be the final answer. There is worthwhile experience to be had in any situation or occupation... Concentrate on that, and if you feel ready for a change, then observe life as you pass through it, and look for ideas of where to go next.

Because there is 'worthwhile' to be found almost everywhere, if you live with open eyes and an open mind, something will present itself... Where ever you look.

[Kittyboymuffin]

I thought the thread topic said "crosswords" at first ...

[Spiral Zer0]

I've read every post here and while I feel better I'm coming from this conclusion from the general mass.

1. don't stress, i can't worry about not doing enough so long as I'm doing something and using my head.

2. I should probally consider a doctors appointment in case something was overlooked.

3. instead of trying to grab a hold of life jump and catch the side of a train, allow life to lead me while at the same time keeping an eye on where I'm heading.


would that be a good enough interpretation?

I mean, I'm still young *22* and I just feel like there could be more but I have to find an idea of where to go before worrying about a career and whatever else adults do at my age.


I don't know I'm horrible at describing thinigs in detail and a tad bit shy when it comes to heartfelt conversation.


but I added willmo orwel and seth marati to my friends list on aim, thank you guys =D.

I'm not saying that this is the end of it but at least I know I can ask people questions other than my friends.

also, thank you fnyunj. your post was probally the most helpful.

[Kingofthemorlocks]

If it makes you feel any better, I've had knives drawn on me and been threatened with a gun.

[Spiral Zer0]

not really, although you did live to tell the tale

[MistressMaggie]

In my opinion, 22 is a good age to do something completely out of character... do something you've always wanted to do. For me, it's spending a year in France (although technically I'll be 23 for most of my year abroad) . I saw a poster for the exchange program one day and I just said to myself, I'm tired of feeling like life is passing me by. Everyone else my age is getting married, having kids, finishing up their degrees, or doing something wild like going overseas on a humanitarian mission. I've had enough of watching from the sidelines!