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There was a young lady of Totten
Who's tastes grew perverted and rotten
She cared not for steaks,
Or for pastry or cakes,
But lived upon penis au Gratin.

<< That's me!!!

There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best
And Practice makes perfect, you see.


A sailor who slept in the sun
Woke to find his fly-button undone.
He remarked with a smile
'Jesus Christ, a sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one.'


There once was an old man from Lyme
Who married three wives at a time.
Then asked, 'Why a third?'
He replied, 'Ones absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.'

*applause* Very nice.

This one's not dirty, but it's all I can remember.

There was an old lady from Darrow
Who rode to church in a wheelbarrow
When she got stuck in the isle
She said with a smile
They build these 'ere churches to narrow

There once was a man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard from the moon
When least you'd expect 'em
They'd burst from his rectum
With the roar of a double-bassoon.

A couple quickies...

"OW!!!"

after wine, potatoes, and steak
sweet love he wanted to make
she caught him off guard
and rode him so hard
that his penis she twice did break

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/3/1680_50133.htm

"Nort"

A tentacle monster named nort
was a perverted kind of a sort
he wanted to screw
an astronaut or two
but his tentacles decided to abort


Hmmmm. Quickies.

A quickie or two sounded be nice
But her cooter was covered in lice
She used Nix on the hair
then shaved shaved her patch bare
and dumped me for a couple of dykes

(no offense intended to our lesbian overlords )

She bounced in at 40 double D
Impressive for someone who's 5'3"
I had me a suckle
that made me buckle
but then she charged me a fee

This has a US and a Canadian version

Fond of fellatio he'd gotten
But she found the taste rather rotten
Quietly she would spit
Add cheese and cook it
And serve him Snoball Au Gratin


Fellatio made him feel like a man
After it to the kitchen she ran
She quickly would spit
Add cheese and cook it
And serve him Snoball Au Gratin

(as I recall, some Canadians pronounce Au Gratin oh-gra-tan instead of awg-rotten)

it's not just canadians. I pronouce it oh-gra-tan

cjburgandy wrote:it's not just canadians. I pronouce it oh-gra-tan

Too much French influence.

There once was a lad named Jake
Who pounded his own trouser snake
He started to come
Then in walked his mum
And he gave her a slice of Buck Cake.

The only one I know by heart:

There once was a man named dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
When asked of the smell
He said, "What the hell,
Just think of the money I save"

There was a young woman in Chester
Her mother, she kissed and she blessed her
She said, "You're in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Lancester"

Oldest one in the book, just in case anyone hasn't heard it

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
With cum on his chin,
He said with a grin
If my nose were a cunt I would fuck it

I dated a chick named Bree
she wore a strap on on her Knee
She'd say "Bend over CJ
and take it the hard way!
my loving doesn't come free!"


Honor is my kind of lass
firey hot and filled with sass
a woman that neat
wettens my seat
oh I want a piece of that ass

ok maybe the 2nd one wasn't as catchy as the first one

The second is catchier than the first, it flows better (no pun intended).

Not naughty, but it's all I've got right now


Ole Squiddy was low on his quid,
but he went to the con with his squid
The girl he was meeting
Turned flighty and fleeting
and ignored him for someone named Sidd

There once was a woman from venus.
Whos body was shaped like a penis.
She said to her man.
When you take me in hand.
You'll find theres no difference between us.

From a cell in the crypt of St. Giles
Came a scream that was heard 'round for miles.
Said one Friair "Goodness gratious,
Our Brother Ignatius
Has discovered the Bishop has piles."

A habit both lewd and unsavory
Has the Bishop of Stratham on Avery.
With hoots and with howls
He deflowers young owls
In a crypt fitted out as an aviary.

There once was a girl from Madras
Who had a remarkable ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you'd probably think
But was gray, had long ears, and ate grass

A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball
The cube of its weight
Plus his pecker's, times eight
Is his phone number. Give him a call.

There was an old poet named Hammeter
With a tool of amazing diameter.
But it wasn't the size
That brought tears to her eyes.
'Twas the rhythm, dactylic hexameter.

WARNING:
THIS IS THE MOST UNWHOLESOME LIMERICK I HAVE EVER HEARD.

READ IT ONLY AT THE PERIL OF YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL.
I'M NOT EVEN A CHRISTIAN, AND I FEEL REAL QUALMS ABOUT IT.
(If you feel compelled to read it, highlight the text at the bottom of the post).
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Said I Am That I Am That I Am
"For the Virgin I don't give a damn.
But what I like most
Is to bugger the Ghost
And then get sucked off by the Lamb."

In a time without male pubic hair
Lived a man with an afro down there
Til he thought he might trim it
And in but a minute
He found that he'd shaved himself bare!

There once was a fellow named Joe
Who had an unfortunate woe
His bowels and balls
Had such similar calls
That whenever he came he would go.

Nana Neko chibi kawaii
O genki desu baka no wai
Happy bum fun, said Fred
And then messed with my head
Without even a gomen nasai!

-Lareth

That first one was very witty, Lareth. Kudos.

The madman, ol' Paraclesius,
buit a humongous orbital penis.
he'd sworn since his birth,
that he'd buck cake the earth
but he missed and it splattered on Venus.