A Series of Saucy Limericks

[Captain Tylor]

Arse holes are cheap today,
Cheaper than yesterday.
Little ones are half a crown
Standing up or bending down.
Bigger ones cost three and six
Because they have bigger pricks.
Arse holes are cheap today,
Cheaper than yesterday.


We will pledge your money back,
So don't say no to crack.
A bum deal you'll get from us;
Cum on in and beat the rush!
Arse holes are cheap!

--
I am about 80% on the first verse. If you have heard a better pattern, let me know!
The second one is hackneyed together.

[Kite-san]

hihis! another one from 'lil ol me.
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there once was a girl whose vernacular,
came only from all things tentacular,
why the monster she wed,
how his nose surely bled,
for the sex was naught short of spectacular.

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i hope it's a goodie ^_^

[Kingofthemorlocks]

There was a young woman from Norway
Who drove a rare trade in the whore way
'Til a sodomite viscount
Brought cunt to a discount
And drove all the belles to the poor way!

And here's a little something I tossed off recently:

On the board's a nice girl named Honor
Everyone jokes about pawin' her
She smiles and says
"I'm totally lez,"
"So if you've got an erection, yer screwed!"

[Jormungandr]

This is actually the missus, not Jormungandr... whatever.

When I was little and asked my daddy what a limerick was, he answered by teaching me these 2: (and yes we've already haad a version of the first)

There was a young man from Kent
Whose thing was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of cumming, he went

And:

There was a young man named Clyde
Who fell down a 2-holer and died
Along came his brother
And fell down the other
And they were interred side by side.

Get it? Interred? In turd? Ahhh...

Bear in mind that I was about 5 at the time.

Time to invent one! (Remember, this is the wife borrowing Jormungandr's account!)

Penis, weiner, or shlong
Dick, cock, member, or dong
It's a bit of a game
To think up these names
But who cares so long as it's long?

And of course, the infamous Jack the Necrophiliac song, which I do not know in full...

My name is Jack! Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo
I'm a necrophiliac! Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo
I like to fuck dead women Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo
And fill em full of semen! Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo
They don't scream or moan Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo
When I give em my bone. Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo, Doo doo doo
Etc.

[rotbox]

hey the doc gave me diuretic pills
said theese should cure most of your ills
but my pharmacist said you'll piss like niagra!
let's swap for viagra
at least should give the girlfriend some thrills.


there once was a young man from kent
his john thomas was exceedingly bent
to save himself trouble
he stuffed it in double
instead of coming he went

a copper from up clapham junction
had a penis that just would not function
for the rest of his life
he did deceive his wife
with some snot on the end of his truncheon

a young physicist from rhyll
swallowed a nuclear aphrodisiac pill
it reached critical mass on the job
and blew off his knob
they found his balls up a tree in brazil

there was a young lady named tuckingham
walked by the river in buckingham
to study the stunts
of the cunts in the punts
and the tricks of the pricks that were fucking'em

[rotbox]

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
The cube of its weight
Times his chopper plus eight
Was four fifths of five eigths of fuck all!

[rotbox]

Now here is a story to make you rock.
Tis about the guy who had a corkscrew cock!
All his life he had to hunt.
To find the girl with the corkscrew cunt!
When at last he found her......he fell down dead!
The silly little cow had a left hand thread!

[Aeridus]

Not quite a limerick, but still funny.

[Churba]

The version of that I know has roughly the tune of "I tell me ma", and is part of a longer drinking song.

[Infinity-Iz-Blue]

It's a new one on me. Made me giggle inside...

Oh dear, I need to review my sense of humour.

[Churba]

That's a terrible limerick.