Laugh, damn you. -_-

[Aeridus]

6. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Augh.

[Protagonist]

6. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Augh.

I, too, fell for the trap. If only Ackbar had been here to warn us.

[RevChris77]

"What? You say you love her, and yet, when you saw her with another man, you did nothing?"

"I'm waiting," said Jeb.

"Waiting for what, Jeb?"

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy!"

[RevChris77]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand ...and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'..."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says,... "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit? What happened next'?"

[RevChris77]

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies". Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. This time about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs.Jones?" inquired the preacher, "are you not willing to forgive your enemies?

"I don't have any," she replied smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this
congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"

Mrs. Jones tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches!" .

[Aeridus]

Hahaha, awesome. I love that cartoon too.

[RevChris77]

A guy walks into a bar.........ok, he did not walk in, he was already there. One guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?". The other guy says, "I don't know; what was her maiden name?".

[Illithid Tentacles]

What's the difference between a snake who's been run over and a lawyer who's been run over? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

[RevChris77]

A woman complained to her doctor about bad knee pain. After his tests showed nothing, the doctor asked, "Is there something you're doing that you haven't told me? Is there anything that might abuse your knees?"

"Well," she said sheepishly, "my husband and I do have sex doggy-style on the floor most nights."

"That must be it," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other ways to have sex."

She replied, "Not if you're gonna watch TV, there ain't!"

[Illithid Tentacles]

The only problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

[Illithid Tentacles]

Some pics I found.


I can't even begin to imagine where the fuck this came from.


And this one's not so much funny as it is just goddamn awesome.

[RevChris77]

I put a hot tub in our back garden last summer and from that point on, the neighbors think they have an open invitation to use it whenever they please.

The other night we were trying to enjoy our dinner and all the neighbors were in the hot tub making noise, hollering at us to come and join them. Like they were inviting us to join them in our own hot tub!

Last night I wanted to go to bed early, and they had our back yard light on and were holding a party. 'Come on in!' they hollered at me.. I just wanted to get some shut eye.

My wife wants me to say something to them but I said, "'No.I do not want to offend them. We just have to learn to tolerate their rude behavior. "












.

[RevChris77]

More of the random pictures from my email:

[RevChris77]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying swine! You've been playing golf!".

[Goddessmisca]

oh thats awsome

[Orwell]

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying swine! You've been playing golf!".

Speaking of golf...

Tiger Woods had decided to play in a small weekend tournament in Newfoundland, so he brought his car across on the ferry. After driving through the small town of Three Sisters, he stopped to gas up at the local service station. The attendant came out to fill his tank, and whistled in admiration at Tiger's car.

"That's a real beaut! What sorta car is it, eh?"

"It's a Mercedes", Tiger replied as he got out of the car.

While fumbling open the gas-cap, the attendant craned his neck to look in the side window. "Nice upholstery... leather, eh?"

"Yes, it's very comfortable."

Distracted, the attendant dropped the gas cap on the ground. Tiger bent over to pick it up for him, and two golf tees fell out of his shirt pocket. He leaned down to retrieve them as well.

"What are those things, then?", the attendant asked.

"They're called tees. They're to set my balls on when I'm driving."

"Lord liftin' Jayzus!" the amazed attendant said, "Mercedes thinks of everything, dun't they!"

[RevChris77]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before. At this, the man said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "but I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"I've never heard of that condition," the man said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman said. "Pepper."

[RevChris77]

A Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,

The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)

[RevChris77]

Touching Stories From Billy Connolly

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit".

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

3. My wife was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!"
I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'It'll be too painful'."

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why.
She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."

[RevChris77]