Laugh, damn you. -_-

[WangyJohn]

Selection of animu screenshots.

[Churba]

My contribution to the discussion is thus.

[Kittyboymuffin]

... Okay, I was gonna make some snide remark about gonads and strife, but the "It's big! It's hard!! It's OUT OF CONTROL!" made me giggle like a schoolgirl.

[RevChris77]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday.

[Churba]

A mate of mine asked me today why they don't make more incest porn, but as I told him, It's just too much of a niece market.

[Crushogre]

This video is hilarious
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-Wd-Q3F8KM

[RevChris77]

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child," she replied. "Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

[RevChris77]

New dog breeds:

Cross a Collie and a Lhasa Apso to get a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Cross a Spitz and a Chow Chow to get a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

Cross a Pointer and a Setter to get a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Cross a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund to get a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Cross a Pekingnese and a Lhasa Apso to get a Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Cross an Irish Water Spaniel and an English Springer Spaniel to get a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

Cross a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever to get a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Cross a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound to get a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

Cross a Terrier and a Bulldog to get a Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Cross a Bloodhound and a Labrador to get a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Cross a Malamute and a Pointer to get a Moot Point, owned by... oh, well; it doesn't matter.

Cross a Deerhound and a Terrier to get a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

Cross a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu to get a... never mind!

[Orwell]

Good stuff, keep it up.

[Orwell]

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in serious financial difficulty. So desperate is he, that he decides only God can help him now. He goes to synagogue and prays hard. "Help me God", he wails, "I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please, just let me win the lotto." When lotto night comes Jacob has no luck. Week after week he sees someone else win the jackpot, and so returns to synagogue, and this time he begs, "My God, why have you forsaken me? I have lost my business, my house, my car. My wife and children are starving. I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you let me win the lotto just this one time?" Suddenly there is a brilliant flash of light as the heavens part and Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself. "Jacob," the voice booms, "meet me half way, buy a feckin' ticket!"

[RevChris77]

Sadie, a recently widowed lady, was reading a book whilst sunbathing on the beach in Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed an elderly gentleman walking past. He placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began to read a book. Smiling, Sadie attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello," she began. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sadie asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" Sadie asked.

"Not far," he answered, continuing to read.

Sadie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, he threw down his book, jumped onto her blanket, whipped off both their swimsuits and made the most passionate love to her that she had ever experienced. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sadie gasped and asked the man, "How on earth did you know that I wanted that to happen?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Orwell]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about
Tom Cruise?' 'No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come
on in for a beer!'

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just
lucky.

'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.


'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.

'Yup,' Dave say's, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington '

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, 'Dave, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to
Dave , who again implores him to name anyone else.

'The Pope,' his boss replies.

'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.' So off they fly to
Rome .

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican 's St.
Peter's Square when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the
Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards
so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican .

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the
balcony , but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?'

His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw ... you and the Pope
came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k
is that on the balcony with Dave?'

[RevChris77]

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

[Ghastly]

Pipe wrench fight.

[RevChris77]

.

[RevChris77]

One of my friends said that "Monday needs more jokes," so here goes:

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm out stretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. "OK," he said and she went on her way.

Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted "Stop! Have you got a valid tax disc from your vehicle madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer-mat which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on.

Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding a sizable erection in his hand..........

"Oh no", said Ethel,............... "Not the breathalyzer again!"

==========

A man is walking through a field and comes across a ladder reaching up to the sky's and a sign that reads "Climb the ladder to Success." Being intrigued, the man climbs the ladder and sets foot on a cloud. On the cloud he sees a nice looking woman lying there naked and she says, "Come make love to me to me now or climb the ladder to success." The man thinks for awhile and says, "Well, this is tempting but I think I'll keep going."

The man gets back on the ladder and climbs until he reaches another cloud. On the second cloud he she's and even better looking woman lying naked and she says, "Come make love to me now or climb the ladder to success." The man thinks even longer this time but finally says, "This is very tempting but I want to see what this success thing is."

The man gets back on the ladder and comes across a third cloud. On this cloud he finds the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. A perfect 10. The woman of his wet dreams. She looks at him and says, "Come make love to me now or climb the ladder to success." Now the man is really torn but after an extended time of thought he says, "This is incredibly tempting but, I've come this far, I have to find out what this success thing is."

The man gets back on the ladder and comes across a forth cloud. On this cloud the man sees a big, fat, hairy man smoking a cigar and drinking a beer. The disgusting looking man walks up to our man, sticks his hand out and says, "Hi, I'm Cess."

==========

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

==========

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?"

The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."

==========

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left......

Now, look again..... It now says :

"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

==========

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

[RevChris77]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes,' she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

===

Little Johnny comes home from school a lil bit earlier than usual one day, as he heads down the long hallway towards his room, he hears noises coming from his parents room.

Being curious, he leans in and sees his mom on top of dad straddling him as they go at it. Mom hears Johnny and, embarrassed, hops off and runs after Johnny as he heads to his room. Mom tells Johnny that all she was doing was helping daddy keep thin and svelte, jumping on him like that helps him keep his tummy thin, etc.

Johnny thinks for a moment and says... 'Heck, mom, why does the neighbor lady keep coming over to blow him back up again?'

[RevChris77]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' She continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[RevChris77]

I was at the Mall with my 5-year-old grandson last week and we got separated.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!"

"What's he like?" asked the policeman.

"Beer, and women with big boobs," replied my grandson.

I've never been more proud of him.

[RevChris77]

Things To Do In A Public Toilet

* Comment "Pooh, who did that?"
* Complement people on their shoes.
* Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.
* Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.
* Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR bowl.....
* Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
* Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"
* Simulate a drug deal.
* Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
* Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.
* Start a sing-a-long.
* Act schizophrenically.
* Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....
* Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
* Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"
* Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."
* Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
* Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.
* Say "Oops.... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.
* At night, switch off the lights.
* Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"
* Collect a door charge.
* Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"
* Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.
* Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.
* Write essay questions on the toilet paper.
* Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.
* Offer refreshments.
* Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.
* Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"
* Charge admission.
* Electrify metal urinals.
* Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.
* One word: GOLDFISH.
* Make a jello in the bowl.
* Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.
* Remove stall doors.
* Glue seat and cover down to bowl.
* Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.
* Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.
* Put itching powder on the toilet seats.
* Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
* Replace soap in dispenser with custard.
* Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.
* Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.
* Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).
* In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....)
* Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.