Laugh, damn you. -_-

[RevChris77]

Two women were talking.

"Some mornings, I wake up grumpy," said one.

The other replied, "Me, too."

The first continued, "But other mornings, I let him sleep!

[Illithid Tentacles]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POA6J8hZ5YU
This video could easily serve as the very definition of the word "pwned." If you've ever played a really hard video game, you'll know his reaction at the end is entirely justified.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3T95nIZWS2I
Another one from the same guy, earlier in the game. It kinda peters out after the bird, though.

[WangyJohn]

I got a sore on my leg, so I went to see a doctor.

He kneeled down and looked at my leg. He said "I think you should stop masturbating"

"What, why?" I asked.

"I'm trying to examine your leg".

[Orwell]

Three prisoners in the gulag get to talking about why they are there. "I am here because I always got to work five minutes late, and they charged me with sabotage," says the first. "I am here because I kept getting to work five minutes early, and they charged me with spying," says the second. "I am here because I got to work on time every day," says the third, "and they charged me with owning a western watch."

A man dies and goes to hell. There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell. There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. "What's it like in there?" asks the visitor. "Well," the devil replies, "in capitalist hell, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!" he gasps. "I'm going to check out communist hell!" He goes over to communist hell, where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist hell is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx. "I'm still in the free world, Karl," he says, "and before I come in, I want to know what it's like in there."

"In communist hell," says Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But… but that's the same as capitalist hell!" protests the visitor, "Why such a long queue?"

"Well," sighs Marx, "Sometimes we're out of oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes no hot water…"


About the Hungarian communist leader Matyas Rakosi: Two friends are walking down the street. One asks the other "What do you think of Rakosi?" "I can't tell you here," he replies. "Follow me." They disappear down a side street. "Now tell me what you think of Rakosi," says the friend. "No, not here," says the other, leading him into the hallway of an apartment block. "OK here then." "No, not here. It's not safe." They walk down the stairs into the deserted basement of the building. "OK, now you can tell me what you think of our president." "Well," says the other, looking around nervously,"actually I quite like him."

A visit from a Georgian delegation: They come, they talk to Stalin, and then they go, heading off down the Kremlin's corridors. Stalin starts looking for his pipe. He can't find it. He calls in Beria, the dreaded head of his secret police. "Go after the delegation, and find out which one took my pipe," he says. Beria scuttles off down the corridor. Five minutes later Stalin finds his pipe under a pile of papers. He calls Beria—"Look, I've found my pipe." "It's too late," Beria says, "half the delegation admitted they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."

Why is the individual placed in the centre of socialism? So it's easy to kick him from all sides. There were jokes about communist art: What is the difference between painters of the naturalist, impressionist and the socialist realist schools? The naturalists paint as they see, the impressionists as they feel, the socialist realists as they are told. There were jokes about communist-style democracy: When was the first Russian election? The time that God put Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife." And, of course, there were Jewish communist jokes: "Hey Hymee, how's your brother Joseph?" "He's living in Prague and building socialism." "And didn't you have a sister, Judith—how's she doing?" "She's well too—living in Budapest and creating a communist future." "And your older brother Bernie?" "Oh he moved to Israel." "And is he building socialism there too?" "What, are you crazy? Do you think he'd do that in his own country?"

Why is Czechoslovakia the most neutral country in the world? Because it doesn't even interfere in its own internal affairs. And: Are the Russians our brothers or our friends? Our brothers—we can choose our friends.

Two men are walking down a street in Moscow. One asks the other, "Is this full communism? Have we really passed through socialism and reached full communism?" The other answers "Hell, no. It's gonna get a lot worse first."

A man is queuing for food in Moscow. Finally he's had enough. He turns round to his friend and says "That's it. I'm going to kill that Gorbachev," and marches off. Two hours later he comes back. "Well," says the friend, "did you do it?" "No," replies the other, "there was an even longer queue over there."

[WangyJohn]

Ah, soviet jokes are the best.

Anyway, one night Putin was sleeping, and was visited by Stalin in his dreams. He asked stalin "Rell me, how can I become a great leader like you?" Stalin replied "Well, first thing you do, is round up all the democrats and have them shot, and paint the western wall of Kreml blue" Putin was puzzled and asked "Why blue?" to which Stalin replied "Ah, I knew you wouldn't question the first part".

[Leeloo]

Ah, soviet jokes are the best.

Anyway, one night Putin was sleeping, and was visited by Stalin in his dreams. He asked stalin "Rell me, how can I become a great leader like you?" Stalin replied "Well, first thing you do, is round up all the democrats and have them shot, and paint the western wall of Kreml blue" Putin was puzzled and asked "Why blue?" to which Stalin replied "Ah, I knew you wouldn't question the first part".

Sounds like a rewrite of this one:

Hitler is addressing his cabinet and he says: "My plan for the next 6 years is to kill 6 million Jews and one clown". One of his cabinet members is brave enough to ask him "Sir why the clown? "Hitler promptly replies "See, nobody gives a shit about the Jews".

[Leeloo]

And now that we're at that topic...

Hitler is talking to one of his advisers, and asks why jews in germany have so much more money that regular germans. "Come with me, and I'll show you", the adviser says.

So, they go to a store owned by a german. The advisor says "I want to buy some coffee cups". The store owner puts some cups on the desk, and asks if he likes them. The adviser lifts up the cup. "No, these are right handed cups. Look, the handle is on the right side of the cup. And my entire family is left handed. Do you have any left handed cups? The shop keeper picks up the cup, and looks at it, puzzled. He has never heard about left handed cups, but he can see the adviser is right. So, he goes into the back room, to check if he has any. After fifteen minutes he comes out and says: "No, sorry, I don't have any left handed cups. You could try the store next door, he also sells cups".

So, hitler and his adviser goes to the next store, which is also owned by a german. The same thing happens there, and they go on to try a couple of other stores.

Finally, they go to a store owned by a jew. Again, they ask for left handed cups, and the jew looks at the cup and says: "I'm not sure, I need to check in the back". So he goes out to look, and comes back a few minutes later with an old box. He blows about an inch of dust from the box, and picks up a cup. "You were lucky, I have just these six left handed cups. It's all the production optimization, you know, they don't make them anymore, so they are very rare. On the other hand, they are old and they do have some cracks. Tell you what, I'll sell all six cups to you for 500 marks. So the adviser pulls out the money, thanks the shop keeper, and they leave.

Outside, the adviser says "And that's why jews have more money than regular germans".

Hitler looks at his adviser and says: "But it's not the shop keepers fault, they really didn't HAVE any left handed cups"

[Kittyboymuffin]

So, uh ... Hitler, Stalin, and, um, Caligula are going for a walk in the woods when they come across some tracks. Caligula says, "Look, deer tracks!"

And Stalin says, "No, Comrade, those are bear tracks."

And Hitler says, "Nein, those are certainly wolf tracks!"

Caligula says, "No way, those are definitely deer tracks!" Stalin says, "No, Bear tracks!" Hitler says "No, wolf tracks!"

While they're arguing, they get run over by a train.

[Orwell]

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.

[Aeridus]

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

[WangyJohn]

Ah reminds me:

The school counsellor was meeting the mothers and their kids at a PTA meeting, and said:

"I noticed that the childs name often relates to the mothers interests. For example, Rose here is the daughter of a florist, Viola 's mother is a musician..."

At that point one of the mothers sttod up and said:

"Richard, we're leaving now."

----

And because there can never be too many Soviet jokes:

Stalin had just died, and a commitee was pondering where to bury him, mummify him next to Lenin? To his native Grusia? etc.

Then, one of them said "He studied to be a priest, didn't he, what about Israel?"

At that point another committee member snapped out of him lumber and said "Hell no, I heard someone rose from the dead over there once!"

[Evilpika]

Once again, not sure if this is the best thread for this, but it made me chuckle.

[RevChris77]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was OK and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It’s OK," said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[Aeridus]

Poor dog.

[ManaUser]

One has to wonder why it was pointed at the dog in the first place.

[Crushogre]

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife

I do believe that you're better off stabbing in the left armpit, as there won't be any ribs on the way.

The fastest way to a man's heart is in fact threw his stomach, and then up behind the ribs.

[Crushogre]

A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar, the bartender says "what is this? A joke?"

[Xero]

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife

I do believe that you're better off stabbing in the left armpit, as there won't be any ribs on the way.

The fastest way to a man's heart is in fact threw his stomach, and then up behind the ribs.

.50cal AP rounds

[Aeridus]

World (Pedo)Bear Project

[WangyJohn]

So scientists say that there's unseen "dark matter" and "dark energy" in the universe. The unit for dark energy has been set to be Niggawatts.