I tried to kill myself today...

Max Damage · Post by **Max Damage** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:40 am

There - it's not much, but I just made my ICQ no. and hotmail/MSN address viewable.

Just one more person who would rather talk this out than have someone, somewhere end their life.

Live, dammit!

Oh - and that would be pretty much the same situation as me - only I'm 18. Scary, huh?

_________________
We may be pirates, but we're not barbarians. We'll let them keep the toilet paper.
- Tiesel Bonne, Megaman Legends.

[ This Message was edited by: Max Damage on 2002-04-10 10:41 ]

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:43 am

I'm definitely sure that I am not a genius.

Max Damage · Post by **Max Damage** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:46 am

I'm no genius either (well, I don't THINK I am), but I keep going. You should too.

I'm at a low point in life here myself - the way I figure, though, is that it can only get better.

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:48 am

That wasn't my point. My point is that I'm not of any use. I'm just a below-average coward, only good enough to be pushed all the time.

Arcaton · Post by **Arcaton** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:48 am

Listen friend at 17 you have a lot of living ahead of you and some of thats gonna be exciting and some of thats gonna be fun and some of thats gonna be boring but at 17 trust me you have NO idea of whats ahead.
I'm 45, will be 46 next month and I live with my mum still...she needs me and I need her and she's getting older...you get my drift? I'm well overweight and have no social skills I'd speak of....Hell that's why I became an engineer I get on with things better than people. I do not have the knack of conversation without going into more detail than is needed (notice?) and as for *that* - huh no chance. I'm happiest either working or on the forums.
You have a future Michael nows the time to use it. At 46 I'm probably past the days when I could boldly go anywhere I pleased...
Ride the surfboard of Life and be ready to grab what goes past; I wanted security and that's the last thing in my life. But things could look up even for me......

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:52 am

To describe my life : 'There is a dark tunnel. Very dark and scary. It's called "The Tunnel of Life". Whispering voices tease me and laugh at me. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. The light is "The Train of Death"

DeByrus · Post by **DeByrus** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:56 am

Michael, I'm just 20 but I can remember when I was 17, which incidentally was about the time I was thinking about suicide. Since then, I have had the greatest experiences so far and I'm always looking forward to new and better ones.
Here's a little trick that I used (and still do)to get me through the hard times: pick something that makes you happy -- go to a movie, whatever. Then set a day when you're going to do it. It always helped me to have something to look forward to, and made the bad times much better because I knew that something good was coming my way. Try it.

Arcaton · Post by **Arcaton** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:56 am

Stupid thing here: try and catch "It's a Wonderful Life" on video. It's old and cliched but makes a damn good point; none of us know what we are here for or why - but we can't and don't know the way the world would be if we never existed..and it might be a hell of a lot worse for those we might have loved.
You ARE NOT USELESS. We all die sooner than later and I'm selfish enough that I wouldn't be sorry if I died tomorrow (mind you I don't want to die messily) but I'm damned if I'll spoil the chance of Life making things up to me. One day I'll be a hero, admired by all....but with my luck I won't be there to accept the praise.

Krikkit · Post by **Krikkit** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:57 am

Nobody is of any use. Kings and Queens, rock stars, you me and my mother. none of them truly matter. God is useless.
So maybe we need to forget about usefulness, activity and some vague measurement of worth and concentrate on existence. I'm certain your very existence makes somebody happy. Someone feeds off your energy, someone brightens up when you talk to them, for no better reason than they appreciate your specific brand of non-importance. You're the only person that will ever exist that has the thoughts you do.
I don't know what your local environment is like..maybe its like my town, where the average person is a guffawing moron who wouldnt understand brilliance or beauty if it landed on them, but i fairly guarantee you:
Someone out there would LOVE to just hear your thoughts on things. Imagine that, someone who thinks you are important just because you think about stuff.
We do exist, the people who love others just because they exist, and especially love people like YOU! I met the greatest woman in existance back when I was at the height of my worst depression, and she was in the worst situation she ever had been. We were both useless, poor pieces of trash, but we became the happiest people on earth because we were fascinated simply by the contents of each other's minds, and the energy that fed off of our souls.

Anyway man, drop your assumptions and your assessments. Self assessment is CRAP when it comes to judging your own worth, especially when you are depression prone.
And go DO something, mate. Pick one thing that contributes to you feeling this way, and go change it! You can do it. Make one single positive change to your life today. Every day, one small, positive change. To merely -choose- to fight these feelings starts the process of winning.

Foddercat · Post by **Foddercat** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:58 am

Excuse me? You're a coward because you didn't commit suicide? What, is it suddenly brave to take the easy way out? Don't even joke about stuff like that, let alone take it seriously! If you take that step Mike, and deprive the world of your presence, and hurt everyone close to you...

Yeah... so I'll get flamed. But God Damnit, life can ALWAYS get worse, and people deal with it cause they're tough fuckers! They're BRAVE to go on in the face of shit, you understand! If they're cowards cause they don't turn themselves to compost...

Argh! I'm going elsewhere before I cause more damage!

El SillY · Post by **El SillY** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 10:03 am

On 2002-04-10 10:48, Michael Ezaiany wrote:
That wasn't my point. My point is that I'm not of any use. I'm just a below-average coward, only good enough to be pushed all the time.

Not of any use? Hell man, everyone is! You just have to realize it, take a year of from school, and do something you like, set a goal and work towards that goal and I think you'll realize that you can do wonders, you are useful and perhaps that life can be to fun a ride to stop early. Be it anything, improving your drawing, learning Chinese, fix up an old car, or whatever, as long as you choose it your self.

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 10:03 am

I'm important to my mother. Then again, I don't care about her, because she made me the way I am.

Arcaton · Post by **Arcaton** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 10:04 am

I take so long typing the thread leaves me behind -
that's a good idea DeByrus, it's good to have something to look forward to, a milestone to reach as it were.

Me I developed a cynical shell....if I don't expect much it'll usually be better than I expect whatever it is. At 17 I was totally occupied with exams...so I'm highly qualified but overqualified in the Anno Domini column.

Michael that's not a tunnel, its a damn great book full of pages that you can't unstick yet....and half of the fun will be making the story go the way you want it to. You have that potential, it's in front waiting for you to write it. All I can do is try and forget most of mine, they're written, for well or woe is irrelevant now.

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 10:07 am

No milestone for me. I can set a goal, but I know that I'll never reach it like the 90% of all goals in my life.

Foddercat · Post by **Foddercat** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 10:10 am

On 2002-04-10 11:03, Michael Ezaiany wrote:
I'm important to my mother. Then again, I don't care about her, because she made me the way I am.

Then I hate to say it, but your problem isn't cowardice! You actually think your mother wants you to be depressed?

That, sir, is a cruel cut indeed! Rest assured, if you take the leap of faith that you'll hurt her far more than she could ever hurt you. I seriously hope you aren't the type of person who would actually be happy for causing that kind of suffering! If so... then I gravely misjudged you.

Arcaton · Post by **Arcaton** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 10:11 am

This one got a little too personal.
no need for it now (11 Apr)

[ This outpouring was removed by: Arcaton on 2002-04-11 15:31 ]

[ This Message was edited by: Arcaton on 2002-04-11 15:34 ]

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 10:13 am

This will cause me a lot of trouble, but I have to say it. If I caused my mother to suffer and got away with it - I would be happy.

DeByrus · Post by **DeByrus** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 10:15 am

Like I said, it doesn't have to be a hard goal. Sometimes I just set aside time where I can sit around, take a nap, and in general relax. Trust me, with final exams next week, its the little things that I enjoy the most.
I've adopted a lifestlye where I take the better part of my enjoyment from the little things. For example, today is the most beuatiful day we've had here since the beginning of winter. It pleases me to look outside and see the sun shining.
Don't pay attention to the assholes of the world -- I gurantee that they're the ones who say the things that hurt your feelings. Pay attention to little things that make the world good and I promise that you'll feel better in no time.

And my lack of typing skills and anal-retentive attention to detail leave me in the dust as the thread moves on.

[ This Message was edited by: DeByrus on 2002-04-10 11:18 ]

Foddercat · Post by **Foddercat** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 10:16 am

Then you are a bad person. Not a coward, but a sadist, and with that last remark, as long as it stands, I wash my hands of you until you grow up!

I can't even express in words how much you just pissed me off! I'm going to get some more sleep now. Maybe I'll wake up, see the error of my ways, and feel bad about saying this shit! I suggest you do the same!

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 10:23 am

I had to say it, no matter how much I pissed you off. My mother made me what I am. She was always here to protect me. I could always hide behind her. And with that, I became the coward that can't stand on his own. Not a sadist.