I tried to kill myself today...

DeByrus · Post by **DeByrus** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 11:09 am

Arcaton -- I don't think that there are many "social signal" over the i-net. Anyway, thank you. But now I think I'll be heading out to beg forgiveness of the professor whose class I missed because I was here.
I'm looking forward to more time on the forum. Until then, adeiu!

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 11:14 am

Lol, thanks for the pointers. I already am a goth (at least I believe I am). Joining a some club is very good idea and I'll try to follow it. I won't drop the furry thing, because I like drawing and roleplay. Roleplay ruled, rules and will rule forever. I alerady was thinking about Psychology class and most probably, I'll follow it when I get the chance.

Mckree · Post by **Mckree** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 11:33 am

Wooh, thank god you got better.

I dunno, why is every community I am in lateley having at least ONE member with suicidal tendencies?

I mean, yeah, who am I, who am I to speak up? Well, a freak. A useless freak at that. I suck in school, have no applyable skills besides english and am a failure as a artist, but I feel the blood rushing through my veins, feel the air fill my lungs and feel my muscles ace at every movement, because Im ALIVE.

I almost died once, it wasnt nice, jumping off the reapers dinner plate gives you a new outlook on things, and now I'm thankful for every new day I see, for every damn new challenge and for all the overwhelming odds that try to bring me down, and simply cant understand people who want to exchange this pandemonium of possibilities to the cold unshureness of death.

As others said, if you're unhappy with your life, trash it, start over somewhere else. Crash, burn and rebuild. Ad if you live in some tree in the amazon basin munching on spider legs, as long as you're alive you can fight, and as long as you can fight, there's still hope for better days.

Because hope does indeed always die last.

ZOMBIE USER 6344 · Post by **ZOMBIE USER 6344** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 12:18 pm

Mr. Happypants has a very good point.

One year ago, i was really tired of life. I hade no joy left, never felt any happiness or joy. I was in the mainstream, doing little, had few friends. Then i turned.

I let my hair grow, started to go to things I had never done before, like RPG clubs and stuff. And i joined a band as a guitar player.

Today I'm a new person. Cannot be compared to what I was before. I had few friends before, now I have many, mostly trough several communities and clubs. And it feels very good for me. My life kinda returned. I am feeling alive, I have a meaning, I am a wonderful beeing.

Realizing this helps a lot. I hope you can do the same thing Michael. I know you can.

Striker · Post by **Striker** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 2:05 pm

Hmm...I've considered suicide a few times as well. Hell, who doesn't? It's sort of a natural thing when you're about 17 and depressed (those two things are often synonymous). I decided against it. See...the life I have here and now might suck, but I have it. Here and now, I live. I don't know what -if anything at all- comes afterwards, but I figure that the possibility of a better world isn't worth throwing away the certainity of there being a world at all.
Here and now, we are alive. We shouldn't gamble with stakes as high as those.

Cypress · Post by **Cypress** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 2:12 pm

Bleah, the thought never crossed my mind, why give others the satisfaction of my absence? I can be more of a burden if I'm still there to be a bastard! Bwahahaaa!

El SillY · Post by **El SillY** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 2:18 pm

On 2002-04-10 15:12, Cypress wrote:
Bleah, the thought never crossed my mind, why give others the satisfaction of my absence? I can be more of a burden if I'm still there to be a bastard! Bwahahaaa!

Born to be a bastard eh?

Cypress · Post by **Cypress** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 2:37 pm

Yes... very much so, Bastard that I am!

I'd lean more towards accident, but how many kids now a days are intentional?

Yuoma · Post by **Yuoma** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 2:42 pm

. . .

El SillY · Post by **El SillY** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 2:43 pm

On 2002-04-10 15:37, Cypress wrote:
Yes... very much so, Bastard that I am!

I'd lean more towards accident, but how many kids now a days are intentional?

90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents, drive carefully!

Cypress · Post by **Cypress** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 2:46 pm

Puts on a helmet

Will do!

Mikaiten · Post by **Mikaiten** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 4:27 pm

On 2002-04-10 11:03, Michael Ezaiany wrote:
I'm important to my mother. Then again, I don't care about her, because she made me the way I am.

She made you the way you are? Sorry hun, but that just doesn't sound right. If she loves you and cares for you then you've got one up on a lot of people out there.

I know what depression is like. I went through it in Grade 10. My step-dad had been sexually molesting me for 4 years and I kept it a secret from everyone. The shame and self-hatred kept dragging me down until I finally ended up telling someone about it. I was about to kill myself because no one noticed how sad I was. Even the person who was supposed to be my best friend didn't notice. Finally someone said "you look so sad all the time, do you want to talk about anything?" Once I told him I felt so much better. It was just a friend, and he never told anyone else about it, but it helped a lot. I wasn't carrying the burden alone anymore.

The best way to deal with depression is to tell people why you are depressed. Don't just say it's because you hate yourself, there's a reason why you feel that way.

And no people, I'm not on a hunt for attention with my story. I've dealt with my demons. I just told this because I know it helps to hear what others have gone through. I made it, others have made it, so can you Michael.

Mikaiten · Post by **Mikaiten** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 4:40 pm

Hrm... well you seem to be out of your little spat for the day, but I seriously think you should get around to talking to someone about you issues before this happens again.

CPOK · Post by **CPOK** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 5:30 pm

Sorry I didn't see this topic sooner Michal...I hope you feel better.

Grendelwulf · Post by **Grendelwulf** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 6:10 pm

Sorry I wasn't able to post earlier, Michael. I'm very glad that you're starting to feel better. Having a forum full of people rush to support you must have done some good, eh?

I suffer from depression just like you do. I take medication, see a therepist, the usual stuff. The don't help me if I don't want them to. It takes a conscious effort on my part to feel better. And most of the time, I do.

Granted, I still think about suicide today, but not nearly to the extent that I did six months ago. I used to totally obsess over it. Judging the height of my house, trying to find ammunition for the unloaded guns in my house (my dad and I have a small collection), testing out knives, crap like that. But I never did anything, probably because of my desire to spite the world and change it. That's correct, I'm living out of spite. Not a very good reason, I'm sure, but it's good enough for me. Wait, that's not the only reason. I live because I make people happy, as I'm sure you do. I don't have many friends, but I make them happy. I make my parents happy as well. And that's enough to satisfy me.

On another note, please don't hold any ill will towards your mom, Michael. She may shelter you from the real world and whatnot, but she loves you and is always looking out for you. My mom is the same way. Depression can make you angry and bitter (boy am I bitter!) towards everyone, including family.

Well, I think that's enough rambling from a bitter old man trapped in a 19 year-old's body. Bye Michael, I hope you know now that there's someone who knows where you're coming from.

edit: forgot to add paragraphs!
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[ This Message was edited by: grendelwulf on 2002-04-10 19:12 ]

[ This Message was edited by: grendelwulf on 2002-04-10 19:13 ]

CatGuyEz8 · Post by **CatGuyEz8** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 6:45 pm

mike mike mike. there is no such thing as a worthless person. your killing the others around you in the end. Your such a caring and kind person. you don't need to be an asshole or manly man. you need to be you. you can't let them degrade you. you know what you need to do. vent anger or talk to others about your feelings. you did one and look how far its gotten you. i just want you to know you do have friends even if you don't know them in real life. we care. and if you were to kill yourself you would be losing out on so much. someday you will meet someone right for you
by the way grendel you make me happy and i do care for you. i know I and other people in the group can be harsh at times but we don't mean it were kidding around remeber were all still friends that care even if we don't discuss it. Im sorry if ive sad anything that made you depressed i care for you. Your a good friend
Grendel don't do anything like that. there are plenty of people who care for you same with you mike

[ This Message was edited by: CatGuyEz8 on 2002-04-10 19:50 ]

[ This Message was edited by: CatGuyEz8 on 2002-04-10 19:54 ]

Ovalescent · Post by **Ovalescent** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 6:50 pm

Michael, I used to feel the same way, I have no job, few friends, no marketable skills, and I kept feeling worthless on a societal and universal scale, I would actually think about how not only would anyone care if I died, but no one would care if the whole world died. Then, it seemed, I would have periods where my misery would vanish. I recently assisted a friend in a research project, and discovered that there is a high probability that manic depression runs in my family, and that I might have seasonal affective disorder, a sort of mental hibernation. During my down months, I felt alone, mentally, and I felt like my whole personality was a lie, that I was hiding the "dark Helena" from everyone else. Now I'm back on the upswing, but I am aware of it. Many people would be bothered to learn that they have a mental disorder, but I'm just relieved to know that my bad feelings might be curable. I'm going to seek assistance on this matter, and you should too. A friend of mine who is clinically depressed said that he felt like he was artificially happy when he took antidepressants, but he was off them at the time, and that was sort of a breakthrough for me. Being depressed is more than being sad, It perverts your whole mind. It cripples my common sense, my self esteem, everything. When I'm down, I feel that it's my fault that I'm sad. I feel like I should have control over my happiness, but when I'm up I know better. I CAN control my happiness, but only when my neurons are firing properly. I'm sorry if this rambles, but this was a recent breakthrough for me, and I wanted to share it with someone who knows what it feels like. For years, I've thought it was just something that came with being a teenager, or maybe school was just bringing me down, but now I wonder if maybe I would have performed better if I had had help.

Angel · Post by **Angel** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:00 pm

Michael, Listen up and listen up good...suicide is not a choice. It is simply an easy answer to a difficult problem. If you are thinking about it, and attempted it, but couldn't go through with it, then there is SOMETHING holding you back.

I will tell my story...

:Que flashback music and blurred edges:

When I was 17, I was a senior in highschool, and had a boyfriend, I will name Pencil Dick. Now, this is the guy that told me he loved me, and that he could see our unborn children in my eyes, and I lost my virginity to him, and everything. He was my first kiss, my first love, and the one I thought I would marry.

Every thing was going great between Pencil Dick and I until the day my senior year started. Everyone in the whole school knew that Pencil Dick had been cheating on me the whole summer. All my friends told me, but I didn't beleive them. Finally, I asked him, expecting the answer to be "of course not"...but he admitted to it, and I was shocked.

I broke up with him, and was depressed for a few months doing nothing but crying. I wouldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I would skip school because I was so bitter, and I didn't want to take things out on people I cared about. I thought I was usless, and that I had no purpose. I attempted suicide several times, none of which were successful, (Obviously) the most that happened was I threw up a lot, or bled a lot. (I tried slitting my wrists and overdosing on perscription meds.)

Anyway...My MOM noticed a change in me, and took me to the neurologist, because, like I said before, I have seizures, and my mom thought I was having a chemical imbalance or something. The minute the Dr. saw me, he told me that it was imparative that I be admitted to the mental hospital ASAP. I agreed that I was in need of help, and so I went.

I stayed there for a week and a half. I hated the place, but I cried to people who knew the answers, knew the right things to say, and knew how to treat me. Like a person who deserved to live.

I still cringe at that place and every time I drive by it I mumble a curse under my breath, but I admit it saved my life. Just like it must have saved many peoples lives before and after me.

Now, I am with a WONDERFUL man who treats me like a goddess, and loves me, and would never dream of cheating on me, and we are planning marriage, and ... well, I could go on forever. But my point is...

IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER!!!!!!

You have hit rock bottom and you know it. The only place to go is up.

I hope I haven't told my story to the entire JACK community for nothing Michael, We here DO care about you. WHat would we do without our JACK forum greeter?!??! We'd all be lost! LOST I tell ya!

Anyway, I hope you feel better, and for all of our sakes, Go get some help. You will be surprized how much better you will feel with a little Zoloft!

Angel · Post by **Angel** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:11 pm

Another thing...you came to US for help. Do you realize that is you asking for help???? Not attention, but HELP. You need to go to a doctor. There are many out there that will help you if you do not have enough money.

BTW...I feel special that you came to us. It means a lot to me.

Jeweliesa · Post by **Jeweliesa** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:17 pm

Gah... you just HAD to write this on the one day I'm at school for almost 13 hours straight (okay, I came home for, like, half an hour, but that doesn't count because I had to get ready for softball practice and someone called me on the phone and would NOT get off so I couldn't check these forums).

I'm sorry, but unlike others here I can't say that I know how you feel. I am your age, Michael, but I am on the other end of the spectrum- I love theatre, music, volleyball, softball, race-walking, RP'ing, drawing, talking... the list goes on. I'll just say that I love life too much to even seriously consider letting it go. Sure, there have been times when I've wondered what people would think if I was gone... but I would never be able to actually follow through with anything. I have been blessed with wonderful friends.

But life is never perfect (mine is FAR from it, don't let the description above fool you- I have my problems, just like everyone else). A few of my friends have attempted suicide, and a couple more have contemplated it. I know, for a fact, that at least one of them is a manic-depressive.

I know you're feeling a bit better (at least, you seem to be), but I do want to say this- <a href=http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/Stage ... e.html>"No one is alone."</a> No matter HOW much you may think you are, there will always be someone there for you. You could know this person from real life, or they could just be a close online friend. But there will always be someone for you.

And this goes out to everyone... ::gives a big group hug::

Sorry, but now I must go to bed. But I leave you with another song quote:
"So hold this moment fast, and live and love as hard as you know how, and make each moment last- because the best of times is now."
--"The Best of Times," from "La Cage Aux Folles"