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12 - Stay out of the military. Seriously, nothing is more deadly than that place. Also stay away from research labs and exploration teams. You're just as likely to die there as in any military force. I fact, it's probably better for you just to stay on Earth in some out-of-the-way place that isn't in America and get a job in a bookstore selling sci-fi books where people who don't work in bookstores die.

13 - If Worf's in the away team, he's got the perimeter. If Data's in the away team, you're all safe. Finally, if Beverly's in the away team, someone's gonna get hurt.

But what if data and Beverly are in the away team?
14. Keep your phaser on maximum stun, you're a lot more likely to need it than any other setting.

maximuscoolman wrote:But what if data and Beverly are in the away team?

THREESOME! WHOOO!

...

What?

Then Data's gonna get nailed by something, but it's not gonna hurt. Like when Beverly shot Data with an arrow in the Qpid episode.

"Captain, I object! I am NOT a merry man!"

God Worf rules

Lwaxana and her "Mr Woof"... clasic

allan_ecker wrote:

maximuscoolman wrote:But what if data and Beverly are in the away team?

THREESOME! WHOOO!

...

What?

Ah, but that would break rule 3.... Twice!

Yes, but even HAVING a threesome establishes this as being a "crappy fan fiction" as opposed to actual episode, meaning everyone is safe, if almost garanteed to get shagged at some point.

God. Just as long as Riker's only point is to be the butt of "Fire at Will" jokes, it's ok. He gets shagged enough (implicitly) on the show. Poor Dr. Crusher has horrible luck with relationships.. She's fallen in love with two parasites that I've seen..

The only reason I'm able to cite episode relate things right now is cuz my roomie has seasons 2-7 of TNG, and we're watching them over time..

Additionally, Data doesn't have THOSE parts. *cough* So no. Besides, poor Wes would be scarred for life if he heard about Worf and Beverly getting together.

Cyril_Dran wrote:Additionally, Data doesn't have THOSE parts.

actually he does, just ask Tasha Yar

EDIT: look at the last 2 paragraphs

Cross referenced here.

Fallwind wrote:

Cyril_Dran wrote:Additionally, Data doesn't have THOSE parts.

actually he does, just ask Tasha Yar

EDIT: look at the last 2 paragraphs

But if you haven't watched Star Trek Nemesis and plan to, there are spoilers on that page so watch out.
I think the full quote was "If you are referring to sexuality, I am fully functional, programmed in multiple techniques." Someone needs to watch First Contact.

And erm... male sexual abilities are supposed to be accompanied by emotional attraction?

maximuscoolman wrote:And erm... male sexual abilities are supposed to be accompanied by emotional attraction?

"You have much to learn, padewan."

But seriously, sex is great. Sex with emotional attraction is tremendous. Sex with love is unbelievable.

DetailBear wrote: But seriously, sex is great. Sex with emotional attraction is tremendous. Sex with love is unbelievable.

Sex without love isn't fun at all, and certainly not great or tremendous...


--Randy

Speaking from experience I can only say sex is great. Sex with another person would probably be greater, and I don't see why sex with another person (reguardless of emotional attraction or love) would be worse than masturbation, (consiering there is trust, respect, and safety).

But anyway! This topic is supposed to be about Star Trek.
15. If someone claims you are in their space, you are, so get the hell out of it.

Sex without love CAN be great.

Sex accompanied by negative emotions is one of the worst things there is, though.

I've never been one to be able to get into a casual, one night stand, sexual only relationship, but that's because I hold sex as such a mentally high thing that I can't enjoy it at all without a high level of intimacy, romance, and a loving helping of play and fun, but I find masturbation to be a great way to relieve sexual and stress tensions, and recommend everyone to do it, expecially every male, if only to relieve sexual tension. I personally own a few male only sexual toys that I got as a present to myself when I almost got ran over by a train, the physical feelings alone in sex isn't really that great. I mean, sure they do feel good, but compared to the emotions you feel (at least the ones I feel) it's nothing. But then again I've never had coitus because I've only never had a female partner, and I take a lot of stock in emotional and mental feelings, so take whatever I think with a grain of salt.

It's a pleasant physical sensation (especially when anal sex or the like is involved), but without love, it's not that great. Sure, it may feel great (i.e. my "experiment" in the sex ed thread), but overall, it's really not...

Sex is a way to express your feelings for each other... devoting every muscle in your body to pleasing each other... I can't do that without love.

The pleasure of causing her pleasure is one of the best parts... but I can't be empathic with someone I don't love. When with someone I love, I can feel every nerve of her body, and let myself devote my body to pleasing her guided by that... but without love, it just doesn't work.

Nor is sex without love truly satisfying... it may be physically satisfying, but not emotionally... true satisfaction is from curling up with her, feeling her body, knowing you just exchanged emotions in a way beyond most anything out there.


Then again, I tend to be odd, so what goes for me may not hold for everyone else.


I can't seem to find a way to cleanly word it, or even explain it well, despite trying to re-write the above to read nicer... it's just not enjoyable if I don't love the person. The pleasure of the sex is the love, not the physical sensation.


--Randy
(Who tends to be both asexual and quite sensual at the same time, which might explain the inability to explain anything)

EDIT: In the time it took me to attempt to explain it, zavion did a good job. Oh well. :)

16. No matter what the captain says, do not attempt to interface with the alien computer / collective / unknown pulsating biological mass. If you're not wearing a red shirt, you'll probably survive, but you'll still regret it.

17. If you see a disabled ship, set engines full reverse. If you go to help, you'll simply be disabled by the same thing that disabled it. Excepting ships running Windows 2400, ships do not become disabled on their own accord.

18. If your computer screen registers an overload, duck BEFORE its non-surge-protected electronics explode, rather than informing the captain that there's an overload in your terminal, then dying in a shower of sparks.


--Randy

19 - Buy a seatbelt! The foolish technicians who made that starship you foolishly got on board of forgot that seatbelts stop you from getting thrown around when a torpeedo hits. So make sure that you have something that will prevent that.
Just........ don't go on the Bridge with it. If you do it will be brought to attention, someone will joke about it and when your ship gets in to a fight, you'll be the one who dies because some sadistic writer liked the idea of irony.

20 - Try to get a mental problem of some sort. Hit yourself with a book over and over, go boxing in the holodeck with the safety off, or just fake it. So long as you're someone pitiable, you're less likely to get killed off and more likely to have someone important rush in to save you if you get in to a bad situation and then spend the rest of the episode in Sick Bay.