It's Been a Hard Day's Night! (OT) or THREAD PARTY!

Maccabee · Post by **Maccabee** » Tue Nov 13, 2001 6:45 am

Mazel tov!So, that song Iris was listening to... would that have been "Bell Boy" by The Who by any chance?Maccabee
"Ain't you the guy who used to set the paces
Riding up in front of a hundred faces?
I don't suppose you would remember me
But I used to follow back in '63..."

Roscoe · Post by **Roscoe** » Tue Nov 13, 2001 7:18 am

No, it's actually "Perfectly Good Guitar" by John Hiatt. I cover it at shows.Well, he threw one down from the top of the stairs
Beautiful women were standing everywhere
They all got wet when he smashed that thing
But off in the dark, you could hear somebody sing...Oh it breaks my heart to see those stars
SMASHING A PERFECTLY GOOD GUITAR
I don't know who they think they are
SMASHING A PERFECTLY GOOD GUITAR...------------------
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T Campbell · Post by **T Campbell** » Tue Nov 13, 2001 7:58 am

Well, congratulations, Roscoe. Good work.

Blondlot · Post by **Blondlot** » Tue Nov 13, 2001 10:45 am

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Roscoe:
I just won third place in the Ray Bradbury Writing Contest from seven states away! I get a signed copy of Dandelion Wine, a check for 25 dollars, and a nice new line to add to my resume! The story in question can be found <a href = "http://www.slo-span.org/remedy.htm">here</a>.I post it here because I felt like telling *somebody* who cared, and this place is the most receptive I know of.Oh, and one more thing...
THREAD PARTY!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Really boffo, Roscoe! I think with a few key adjustments this story could really stand on its own. May I give you some constructive criticism, one writer to another?Ex animo,
m.d[This message has been edited by Blondlot (edited 11-13-2001).]

Tom the Fanboy · Post by **Tom the Fanboy** » Tue Nov 13, 2001 10:53 am

I don't know much about Bradbury but congrats on the win!------------------
Tom the Fanboy
http://www.geocities.com/tee-moss[begin Fans! code]
E(xkodt)M+FF+++A++W+++FCt++(s)Ip20000406f1mcKt+cCp- -bw++Ll++
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Roscoe · Post by **Roscoe** » Tue Nov 13, 2001 11:10 am

I just won third place in the Ray Bradbury Writing Contest from seven states away! I get a signed copy of Dandelion Wine, a check for 25 dollars, and a nice new line to add to my resume! The story in question can be found <a href = "http://www.slo-span.org/remedy.htm">here</a>.I post it here because I felt like telling *somebody* who cared, and this place is the most receptive I know of.Oh, and one more thing...
THREAD PARTY!------------------
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http://go.to/onvideo
If you have to get your privacy invaded, at least it's by three cute chicks.

Czhorat · Post by **Czhorat** » Tue Nov 13, 2001 11:27 am

Nice job, Roscoe! Dandelion Wine is one of my favorite books - a signed copy of it is a lovely prize indeed.Your story was a nicely done short-short, even if the moral is one we've seen many times before. It's very challenging to write something engaging with so few words - I congratulate you on your success.Oh, and what color thread would you like me to bring?

Vitriol · Post by **Vitriol** » Tue Nov 13, 2001 11:40 am

Wee, my first post!I read a lot of webcomics, and have been reading Faans since the CRFH crossover.I though the first story was excellent; very Bradbury. I felt the second had less impact, but was still very well written, keep it up!Oh, and for an example of how NOT to write SF/fantasy, check out <A HREF="http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Mi ... _The_Argon" TARGET=_blank>http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Mi ... e_Argon</A>

Isobelfox · Post by **Isobelfox** » Tue Nov 13, 2001 12:51 pm

I liked the first one a great deal. The second could use a little work, but it was still very good. They reminded me of Harrison Bergeron, by Vonnegut. You should absolutely read a short story by Michael Swanwick called "The Feast of St. Janis". (Or possibly the Festival therof. It's been a long time.) It's in his book Gravity's Angels. Read it & come back here & tell me what you think. Read it. Really. I can't stress this enough <IMG SRC="http://www.keenspace.com/forums/smile.gif"> It relates.

Roscoe · Post by **Roscoe** » Wed Nov 14, 2001 5:52 am

Please, Blondlot! Helpful criticism helps any writer. It's the unfounded, vague, and personal attacks that suck.------------------
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Blondlot · Post by **Blondlot** » Wed Nov 14, 2001 11:30 am

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Roscoe:
Please, Blondlot! Helpful criticism helps any writer. It's the unfounded, vague, and personal attacks that suck.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Okay! I think you should play up more on the guitar. It seems to represent her indivduality right now, but it has no emotional effect on the reader, that is, me. I think if you expanded it in relation to her music, you could make the symolic act of tossing the guitar into the flames something that causes a feeling of personal horror in your reader. Also, I know that you probably had a limit on length, but I think it could use another page to flesh it out a bit. I like it as a short story, but I think it's a little too short at the moment. Another page or two of detail would really increase the effect. Ex animo,
m.d

Maccabee · Post by **Maccabee** » Thu Nov 15, 2001 6:52 am

WARNING!!! Unsolicited advice ahead.I personally think it would be more complelling if instead of hating what she'd been pre-medication Iris simply didn't care. Let the guitar and the music sit in the attic gathering dust while she experienced the pre-packaged happiness. If you want to keep the symbolic act of destroying the guitar make it incidental to Iris rather than central. She goes off to college and tosses out a lot of old junk that doesn't mean anything to her anymore -- takes it to the incinerator if you want to keep the fire.The indifference to the guitar may seem to conflict with the legal issues you bring up in the sequel, but that's easily explained by the laws and customs of this society getting more rigid in the intervening years (you've got a considerable timelapse, after all).I leave you with the advice I would have given Harriet Beecher Stowe (a brilliant but flawed novelist who produced one of my favorite books, though I desperately want to fine-tune the thing): "Never underestimate the power of understatement."Maccabee
"Rosebud..."

Blondlot · Post by **Blondlot** » Thu Nov 15, 2001 11:09 am

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Maccabee:
WARNING!!! Unsolicited advice ahead.I personally think it would be more complelling if instead of hating what she'd been pre-medication Iris simply didn't care. Let the guitar and the music sit in the attic gathering dust while she experienced the pre-packaged happiness. If you want to keep the symbolic act of destroying the guitar make it incidental to Iris rather than central. She goes off to college and tosses out a lot of old junk that doesn't mean anything to her anymore -- takes it to the incinerator if you want to keep the fire.The indifference to the guitar may seem to conflict with the legal issues you bring up in the sequel, but that's easily explained by the laws and customs of this society getting more rigid in the intervening years (you've got a considerable timelapse, after all).I leave you with the advice I would have given Harriet Beecher Stowe (a brilliant but flawed novelist who produced one of my favorite books, though I desperately want to fine-tune the thing): "Never underestimate the power of understatement."Maccabee
"Rosebud..."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Or it'd be even creepier if you had memories of her youth slowly played out post medication as she's going to college. She reacts to her passion as her youth with the same moderate pleasure as she reacts to everything in the present. Hell, she even reacts to burning the guitar as pleasant. Flat affect. Everything is nice. No attachment. It'd be scary to listen to a drone happily recount memories as if none of the turgid drama or the fact that she had her individuality stripped meant anything.Ex animo,
m.pi

Roscoe · Post by **Roscoe** » Fri Nov 16, 2001 1:07 am

Hm...interesting 'could have beens'...Now how to turn those into 'what ifs' so I can start using them for new material?------------------
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