good jokes

Luna_Northcat · Post by **Luna_Northcat** » Wed May 04, 2005 4:06 am

SolidusRaccoon wrote:
Luna_Northcat wrote:Oh, flattered, surely.
Don't call me Shirley.

Shirley you jest?

----------
... and then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.

Sharuuk · Post by **Sharuuk** » Wed May 04, 2005 7:24 am

SolidusRaccoon wrote:I don't know if I should be flattered or offended.

You might want to think about "concerned".

Shaaruuk

Luna_Northcat · Post by **Luna_Northcat** » Wed May 04, 2005 8:06 am

.......shhh. <evil grin> 8)

Wayfarer · Post by **Wayfarer** » Wed May 04, 2005 8:07 am

And if you're ever looking for him and can't find him, just remember to start looking under cardboard boxes.

Luna_Northcat · Post by **Luna_Northcat** » Wed May 04, 2005 8:09 am

Wayfarer wrote:And if you're ever looking for him and can't find him, just remember to start looking under cardboard boxes.

Conveniently packaged for carry-out...nice!

StrangeWulf13 · Post by **StrangeWulf13** » Wed May 04, 2005 8:16 am

How about we try gettin' this topic back on topic?

Just to shake things up a bit...

If you've heard this one, don't stop me, just shut up and let the other people enjoy it.

One day, a deacon woke up on Sunday and decided he didn't want to go to church. He felt like golfing instead. So, he packed up his equipment and headed out, taking all the backroads on his way to a distant golf range (or whatever it's called) so he could avoid other members of the congregation.

Meanwhile, up in heaven, God and the arch angel Michael are standing together watching this. Michael turns to God and asks, "Aren't you going to punish him for this?"

God simply replies, "Yes, I think I will," and continues to watch.

When the deacon got to the first hole, he set up his ball, took a few practice swings, and teed off. The ball sailed perfectly, majestically through the air, bouncing and rolling onto the green and finally into the hole. Hole in one.

Michael, confused and slightly exasperated, turned to God and exclaimed, "I thought you were going to punish him!"

God simply turned to Michael with a sly smile and said:

"So who's he going to tell?"

If there's any moral to this story, it's that God doesn't have to rain hellfire and brimstone on your head to punish you. He does just fine raining down blessings instead!

Wayfarer · Post by **Wayfarer** » Wed May 04, 2005 8:23 am

StrangeWulf13 wrote:How about we try gettin' this topic back on topic? Just to shake things up a bit...

On topic? HAHAHAHAhaha... oh, wait, that wasn't the joke...
On the other hand, the actual joke was funny, too.

Luna_Northcat · Post by **Luna_Northcat** » Wed May 04, 2005 8:30 am

Ok, if you're gonna be that way...

Once there was a painter named Jock; and Jock the painter was known as a "canny" man. He pinched his pennies until they squeaked, and he was not above "stretching" his resources. What he usually did was thin down his paint until it was practically colored water - just enough to put the color on a wall until the next heavy rain, by which time he was usually well away with his fee. And because he could make a gallon of paint stretch so far, he could underbid all his competitors for jobs, and despite his reputation he always had plenty of work.

Well, eventually a job to paint a church came up, and of course Jock put in his bid; and of course, because his was the lowest price, he got the job. So he set up his scaffolding, made sure all his paint was properly "prepared", and set to work.

Well, he was almost finished, and was just getting the final bits of the steeple, when the clouds moved in and the rain just started bucketing down. Of course all of his thinned pain started running right off the walls, and he was watching this in dismay when there was a sudden crack of lightning past his ear and a crack of thunder that threw him off his scaffold and right into the cemetary among the headstones.

Well, Jock was not a stupid man, and he knew what was what. He climbed to his knees and knelt, there in the mud, held up his hands to the skies and cried, "Lord, I'm sorry! What I can I do to make it up to You?"

And the clouds rolled back, and a Voice answered down from the heavens:

"REPAINT! REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"

SolidusRaccoon · Post by **SolidusRaccoon** » Wed May 04, 2005 12:02 pm

Luna_Northcat wrote:
"REPAINT! REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"

Errrrrrrrr Uhhhhhhhh Hmmmmmmmm You Madam are truly evil, my hats off to you.

Tbolt · Post by **Tbolt** » Wed May 04, 2005 1:00 pm

This is an older joke, and I'm sure you all have heard the first part, but until recently I had never heard the second part, and I found it quite entertaining. Here goes:

A young atheist was walking in unfamiliar territory late one night. To make matters worse a thick fog had fallen around the area he was travelling and he could barely make out where he was going. Suddenly the ground gave way under his feet and he realized he had just walked off the edge of a cliff. As he scrabbled out in desperation he caught hold of a protruding tree root that stopped his fall, but now his feet dangled in midair and he could not see anything to pull himself up with.

He cried out for help, but to no avail. No one else was about on such a trecherous night. Finally, he broke down and decided to pray:

"Lord, I know I never believed in you before, but I promise I will change if you will just help me out of here!"

Suddenly, a voice from out of nowhere replied: "I have heard your prayer, son, and I will help you... Just have faith and do as I ask."

The young man was shocked: "What would you have me do Lord!?"

"Let go..." The voice replied.

The young man thought about it for a moment ...

"Can anyone ELSE help me?!"

=--=

Somehow the young man managed to hold onto the branch for the rest of the night, hoping that dawn would bring other assistance, that did not happen, however....

As the sun rose and burned away the fog, the man looked down and saw that the "cliff" was only about eight feet tall, and his feet were only six inches off the ground.

=^^=

Fusion · Post by **Fusion** » Sat May 14, 2005 12:57 pm

You know, my boss has a lot of confidence in me. The other day she said to me "I have a fool proof system and I want you to test it."

CasVeg · Post by **CasVeg** » Mon Jul 11, 2005 5:31 pm

A Highway With Teeth

Admittedly, this was done some time ago, but, still. . .

StrangeWulf13 · Post by **StrangeWulf13** » Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:44 pm

Now that... is a good analogy.

Thanks for the post. I had a good laugh.

How about a link in return?

The Bricklayer's Lament

This is a classic.

Enjoy, peeps.

Squeaky Bunny · Post by **Squeaky Bunny** » Mon Jul 11, 2005 8:23 pm

CasVeg wrote:A Highway With Teeth

Admittedly, this was done some time ago, but, still. . .

How about A Shoehorn with teeth?

Fregen · Post by **Fregen** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 12:36 am

I am utterly suprised no one has done this one yet

Two muffins were sitting in an oven, one turns to the other and says "Holy shit it's hot in here!"

The other muffin turns back and goes "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Shyal_malkes · Post by **Shyal_malkes** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:36 am

from mary poppins

Bert: well, there's nothing like a good joke I always say.

Uncle Albert: and that was nothing like a good joke.

more seriously though i was wondering when someone was going to go back to this thread.

CasVeg · Post by **CasVeg** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 2:43 pm

shyal_malkes wrote:. . .I was wondering when someone was going to go back to this thread.

Yesterday, apparently.

Okay, I'm just putting this in because I have a strange psycological need to use complete sentences. Maybe it's because I spent too much time at Web English Teacher's fun page.

Luna_Northcat · Post by **Luna_Northcat** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 8:10 am

CasVeg wrote: Okay, I'm just putting this in because I have a strange psycological need to use complete sentences. Maybe it's because I spent too much time at Web English Teacher's fun page.

Er, yeeees....I particularly like the crossbreed dogs page.

Shyal_malkes · Post by **Shyal_malkes** » Sun Aug 28, 2005 12:17 pm

My Brother

"so at work, my boss toldme about his wine cooler where he keeps all the wines and such. he keeps a wide variety of wines so when people come in they can select from a wide range. they never select any but just one or two of the wines but having the variety makes them feel sofisticated like they actually know what they're talking about"

Me

"well yeah, but in the end they're all loosers"

"how so?"

"cause in the end they're all winers"

Fusion · Post by **Fusion** » Thu Sep 01, 2005 2:03 am

*grones*