Dave Barry Quotes

Postby CJGarver on Mon Jan 15, 2001 8:25 am

Well, I'm sorta bored by the lack of activity around here, so I'm going to be using this for the storage of past Dave Barry quotes. Also, if I can dig up any of my "Random Thoughts", I'll post those too. Well, here's last week's:<P> When a group of Danish researchers announced that men have an average of four billion more brain cells apiece than women, many women said that it doesn't matter, because males never use their brains to think about anything besides sex.
This is not true! Males are perfectly capable of thinking about other topics, as is shown by the following conversation, which was recorded on a cockpit voice recorder just before a recent plane crash:<P>PILOT: I'll tell you what, that flight attendant has a major pair of ... whoa! Looks like engine No. 1 has stopped working!
COPILOT: Whoa! So have engines No. 2, 3, and 4!
PILOT: Whoa! (pause) So, how about those 49ers?<P>-Dave Barry
<p>[This message has been edited by CJGarver (edited 01-15-2001).]
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Postby Lord Emsworth on Tue Jan 16, 2001 7:48 am

Apologies, Mr. Garver, but I've been having slight difficulty finding things to talk about. However, at some point, I may go ahead and post a short treatise on the treatment of the "little man" in the works of James Thurber (Unless, of course, you'd prefer a fairly concise discourse on the use of the American animated cartoon as a propoganda tool during World War II, and particularly the representation of the Axis Powers.)

I remember one fairly recent Dave Barry column, which discussed snakes, and featured a passing reference to moving to a house in Florida, or something along those lines, when the Hispanic moving men discovered a snake in the house, and tried to explain it to him. I forget the exact quote, but it was something along these lines: "They were hollering "Serpente," and I could tell by their manner that they were using upside down exclamation points at the beginning." That unexpected reference to Spanish punctuation really amused me.
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Postby CJGarver on Mon Jan 22, 2001 8:38 am

<i>"To understand El Nino, conduct the following experiment in your bathroom. First, fill your bathtub with water. Now mix in twenty-five pounds of salt, to simulate the ocean's salinity; one can of tuna, to simulate the ocean's marine life; and one plastic Ken doll wearing a dark suit, to simulate Vice President Gore.<P>Heat the water while swishing it around the tub counterclockwise. Do you see what's happening? Yes: a big, ugly, greasy wad of hair has broken loose from the drain and is bobbing like a mutant marine tarantula. This is what is happening in the Pacific Ocean, except the hair wad is one million times larger. The only thing comparable on land is Donald Trump."</i><P>Really wish I had taken Spanish, and really wish I knew where that article was. Sounds pretty amusing, though. Back in high school, I actually took French, on the grounds that I wanted to learn how to play Milles Bornes with the French cards. Quite a few people said that it was a stupid goal, and came up with reasons like, "Oh, I'm going to Paris someday", or "It's such a useful language!", or "I'm gonna be a diplomat when I grow up!" But by the time we got through high school, nobody wanted to be a diplomat, we discovered that practically nobody speaks French anymore, and nobody really wanted to go to Paris. I was the only one with a valid reason to take French by senior year. And I still didn't learn all the necessary words. So the moral of this story is ... um ... not really sure if there's an actual moral, per se. But it's interesting, anyway.<P>Chris<P>
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Postby CJGarver on Mon Jan 29, 2001 7:04 am

<i>"At the 1998 Winter Olympics, snow-boarders came zigzagging down a big "U"-shaped gully carved into the snow, hurtling up the sides and performing spectacular tricks with names like the "360," the "540," the "720," the "1080," the "Cosine," and the extremely difficult "Slinging the Hot Bunny," which is when the snowboarder, while hanging in midair, gets his or her nipples pierced. These are classic, traditional maneuvers that have been part of snowboarding since the very early days of the sport (January 12 and 13, 1995)." </i>
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Postby CJGarver on Mon Feb 19, 2001 9:14 am

<i>"For years women have made fun of men for refusing to ask directions. But did it ever occur to you women that we men have a reason? Did it ever occur to you that we might be thinking about something that you don't know?? That something is this: Under the Rules of Guy Conduct, if you're a guy driving a car, and you don't know how to get where you're going, and you pull over to ask another guy, and he does know, then he is legally entitled to take your woman! Yes! He can just lean through the window and grab her! I bet you feel silly now!"</i>
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Postby CJGarver on Tue Mar 20, 2001 9:38 am

<i>"The reason some of us need coffee is that it contains caffeine, which makes us alert. Of course it is very important to remember that caffeine is a drug, and, like any drug, it is a lot of fun.
No! Wait! What I meant to say is: Like any drug, caffeine can have serious side effects if we ingest too much. This fact was first noticed in ancient Egypt when a group of workers, who were supposed to be making a birdbath, began drinking Egyptian coffee, which is very strong, and wound up constructing the pyramids." </i>
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Postby Lord Emsworth on Wed Mar 21, 2001 5:27 am

Well, ahem, while I enjoy his columns, I'm not as well versed in Dave Berry, you know. Still, as I can't think of anything else to add which might prove worthwhile, here's an out of context excerpt from Wodehouse. <P><I>"I might have had better luck while I was looking for a place,"
said Ashe. "I dare say you know how bad-tempered Mr. Peters is.
He is dyspeptic."<P>"So," responded Mr. Beach, "I have been informed." He brooded for
a space. "I, too," he proceeded, "Suffer from My Stomach. I have
a Weak Stomach. The Lining of My Stomach is not what I could wish
the Lining of My Stomach to be."<P>"Tell me," said Ashe gratefully, leaning forward in an attitude
of attention, "all about the lining of your stomach."</I><P>[Out of context and fairly pointless excerpt from Something Fresh (1915), by P. G. Wodehouse]
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Postby CJGarver on Thu Mar 22, 2001 2:18 am

<IMG SRC="http://www.keenspace.com/forums/confused.gif"><P>OK then!! <IMG SRC="http://www.keenspace.com/forums/smile.gif"> <P>Hey, when was the last time <b>I</b> posted anything worthwhile here? Hmm, odd usage of capitalization. Last time I saw it like that, I think was in Winnie the Pooh (what can I say, I'm not terribly well-read). <P>Urg, not much more to say. Been burned out the last couple of days. And seeing that one passing joke I made in the CM forum get taken so incredibly out of hand isn't helping my mood too much. Well, whatever. <P>By the way, hope you got a kick out of today's strip, LE. <IMG SRC="http://www.keenspace.com/forums/wink.gif">
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Postby Lord Emsworth on Sun Mar 25, 2001 11:27 am

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CJGarver:
<B> By the way, hope you got a kick out of today's strip, LE. <IMG SRC="http://www.keenspace.com/forums/wink.gif"></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh, most assuredly! Always a pleasuree to see custodians receiving the recognition they deserve, and to see that my efforts have not been entirely in vain.
<P>------------------
Nobody expects the <A HREF="http://www.vivtek.com/toonbots/" TARGET=_blank>Toonbots</A>
<A HREF="http://www.vivtek.com/toonbots/paftwj.html" TARGET=_blank>Jihad</A>. Go there now, or face defenestration.
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